I am ashamed of myself today…..

It’s been a bit more than a year since I self harmed and yesterday, I fell off the wagon. In that split second, the razor gently caressed my arm and I felt release…I took what was left of my Lexapro ( which clearly was not enough to kill me but succeeded in turning me onto a zombie today). The wounds are pretty superficial… deep enough to bleed… shallow enough to heal.

Cowardice.

As a suicide survivor, I should know better. As a recovering self mutilator, I should know better… but, I did it anyway. I didn’t think that going off ani deperessants would affect me this badly and this far down the line. I’ve been off them for some time now and been fine. These last few weeks things have gone slowly down hill.

At home things are fine. I don’t know if it’s the sudden change in jobs, change of pace or bad pms…. I’ve just lost interest. My studies have gone to heck and I just don’t care.

Dbf is heavily p!ssed off  about the cutting. Actually, more upset with me than angry. I guess I understand why. He says it fels like he took the balde in his own hands and made the incission, because he failed to stop me, because he’s failed to make me happy.

How do I make him understand that it’s not about him? That I’m selfish and self centered when I hurt myself? That in that momentall I think of is myself and making the hurt go away? Now that I’ve done it again, how do I stop myself turning to that addiction everytime I lose my grip?

I am ashamed of myself today….

Evangeline xoxox