Everything began in July of 2005. Everything was going great, I had met the guy of my dreams. But, we had decided a little to soon that sex would be a big part of our relationship. I loved him, so I did as much as I could for him.
It just so happens that in August of 2005, I was put on Yaz by my doctor for my irregular periods and heavy bleeding with very painful cramps. Chirs (the boy of my dreams) decided one day that since I was on the pill a condom wasn't needed.
I didn't mind. I believed the birth control would be enough and everything would be fine. And it was for almost a year and a half. Then I forgot to take my pill one day.
In March of 2007 I found out I was pregnant. I had conceived on the first, and I was almost 4 weeks pregnant when I found out! I was happy and everything was going great!
On the 18th, I miscarried. I had gone in a hot tub the day before, and I didn't know that it was not safe at all. My friend who had talked me into it, said that it was okay, and everything would be fine. It wasn't.
I felt empty, I felt alone. I felt like crap because I had killed my baby and hadn't even meant to. After that day I threw all my birth control away and started trying for another baby. I wanted to be a mother so bad.
About four months later I stopped trying, because one day I would get pregnant, and that would be the day God had planned for me. So, I shouldn't try and rush thing.
Chirs and I had broke up about a month after my miscarriage. He had cheated on me threw out the whole month of March, and everything was haywire. I didn't want him around right then.
I am saddened to say that I made three atempts at taking my life. I'm very happy to say I'm still living and none of my atempts turned into real suicide. Thou two of them were pretty dang close.
Chris and I continued to have sex, off and on. I thought nothing of it. We didn't want a real relationship, just the physical one we use to have. And everything went back to normal.
I had met Mike in September. Him and I were off and on in a sexual relationship, but I never thought much of it, cause at the end of each month, I still had my period like normal.
I believed I couldn't conceive again. I believed I would be a childless mother. Seeing as my baby had gone up to heaven and there him or her stays with God.
Chris came around in March of 2008. He told me he was going to be going into boot camp at the end of the month and wanted to say goodbye. BUTT! He wanted another round of play time. I told him I wasn't on birth control, and I guess whats done was done.
Mike and I started having sex a week later. I didn't see anything wrong with it, since he didn't care that I had, had my fling, since he had his during that week as well. Which made me really gross feeling to know that he had sex with my best friend (and ex girlfriend), came to me, had sex with me, and didn't tell me.
We starting dating during the next week, and on March 24, 2008 the same day I found out I was pregnant, asked me to marry him. I had accepted and I thought everything would be wonderful.
Then I got to thinking. This baby is more likely Chris', and I'm still in love with Chris and not ready for a serious relationship right at this moment, and told Mike I needed time to think.
Two weeks later I found out he asked my best friend to marry him and they are now trying for a child. They will be getting married sometime this September (2008), and will be moving to go live with his dad in November.
Chris found out from a friend of ours that couldn't keep his mouth shut, that I was pregnant. He called me and at the time I was about 3 and three/fourths months pregnant. We talked calmly, and I asked him if he knew.
He said know what, and we played a game of I'm not telling you until I see you face to face, and him telling me to tell him. After a while he got pissed and said that he knew. He told me I wasn't pregnant, and it wasn't his.
Then he told me to get a abortion. I told him, no. He freaked out, and said he wasn't going to deal with this now. He came back from boot camp in June. I didn't hear from him till almost July.
He never once talked about my pregnancy, or anything. We ended up running into each other and he realized that I wasn't faking it and I really was almost six months pregnant.
When I was six and a half months, he came around and the whole time he was here, he kept saying I wish you weren't pregnant, I wish you would have gotten an abortion, I wish you would put the baby up for adoption. And once he even said, I wish you weren't pregnant, so we could have sex.
The next morning, I found him smoking in my computer room. I had asked him not to smoke in my house, cause my mom was due home the next day, and I didn't want my mom thinking I was the one smoking!
I told him that he needed to leave, and he refused. I then said I would put all of his stuff outside and he could get it on his way out. He grabbed his tasser and came at me with it. I never felt a fear so strong. I was so afraid, because if he would have used it on me, Alessa would have died for sure. I never knew I could be afraid so much for someone's life! And not just anyone my daughter!
He left that day, and has tried to contact me once. I asked him to sign over all parental rights if Alessa is his, and he has agreed. But, he seems to think there is three possible fathers for my child.
Now, here I am a day away from being 28weeks pregnant, with the most amazing little girl I have ever known. She is my miracle baby, and she will be here, even when my life is crappy.
Before my depression was so bad that every day I would wake up and ask, why am I alive? I should be dead. Now I wake up and I'm happy and I just think, one less day till I get to see my little one's face.
She has changed me to be a better person. At first I was mean to everyone, now I'm very nice and understanding. I regret things I've said to my grandma and mom, but now my daughter is here, it was easy to say I am sorry and treat my family better.
I'm trying my hardest to save up to move out of my mother's house so I can finally take responsibility and show her that I'm willing to be the best mother I can be for my daughter.
I do not regret my little girl. She is my everything, and I'm happy to say I didn't once think about abortion or adoption! I knew that I made this choice and it's about time I take responsibility for my actions!
I know it's going to be hard, but I'm willing to face anything that God has planned to come my way to keep my daughter and make her feel loved and accepted and give her what she needs.
She is the best thing that has happened to me, and always will be!
Around six and a half months, I found out that my grandma has lung cancer, they are going to put her on kemo and if she stops smoking for six weeks, they will see about removing the part of her left lung that has the cancer.
A few days later, we found out that my grandpa has brain cancer, that spread to his liver and artery. He is going threw radiation and kemo, but sadly, there is nothing we can really do, and he had two months to a year to live.
At the rate he is going, my mom and I believe he might not make it till Christmas.
If not for my daughter, I would have fallen apart. But, I've held together, and I'm feeling strong and very very good. I am happy, yet sad. I'm going to lose my grandpa, yet gain an amazing little miracle.
The last month has been hard around my grandpa, because he doesn't remember I'm pregnant, and he can't control what he says, so he says some pretty horrible things. But, he is my papa and I love him very much.
I just hope he passes away in his sleep, and he can finally get the peace he has been needing. I will miss him, but I will be happy cause he won't be in any more pain and everything will be better.
Other then that little downfall, life couldn't get any better then it is. I'm looking forward to seeing my little girl. They say she will be here by December 3rd, but we well see.
Thank you for reading my story.