Dear Becky-

I don’t know what I should do. My boyfriend wants me to get an abortion. He even told me he’d leave me if Ii didn’t because he’d feel like he would be forced to stay with me if I kept the baby. I personally want to keep it. But I don’t want to lose my boyfriend in the long run. I’ve been with him for almost 2 years. later on, he said he wouldn’t leave me if i kept it, he just wanted to wait to have kids. we are only 16 years old. I understand that we are young and cannot give our baby the best life at this stage of our lives. But Ii almost thought it was worth the try. Before he said anything, I never even considered abortion. In fact, I promised myself and his mom I would never get an abortion. But I had to break that promise to myself and to his mom just so he wouldn’t leave me. So I promised him I would get an abortion.

He didn’t ever give me time to think about what was best for our child and what i wanted to do. I don’t want to break the promise to him because i don’t want to lose him. he wants an abortion so that we don’t have to face our parents and what they want for us. He thinks I’ll be easier to just abort it now since we had many plans for ourselves. we want to graduate high school, then university. I want to be a paramedic. we want to enjoy our adulthood together, married for years before having children. he wants kids when hes about 30. But I want kids when I’m 24-25 years old. However, we were stupid and stopped using protection after I had a bad reaction to my birth control pills. now, I’m left to face the biggest decision of my life.

ADOPTION? ABORTION? OR KEEP THE BABY AND RAISE IT TOGETHER AND STRUGGLE. what should i do?

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Hi Melissa,

Thanks for writing.  It’s good to talk with you.  I’m sorry to hear about your decision and what you are going through right now.  I just want you to know that you will be able to make it through this time.  Your situation is not hopeless. 

In your email you clearly stated that you do not want to have an abortion, but are considering it because your boyfriend wants it for you.  If you have an abortion, unfortunately, you are the one who will have to deal with the consequences, both physical and emotional.  Your boyfriend will not.  I think it is unwise to make a decision about the life of your child based upon not losing your boyfriend.  You see, 80% of couples break up after they chose to abort their child.  Even if you choose abortion to make your boyfriend stay, there is no guarantee that he will.  Then you will be left with nothing.  No boyfriend, no baby, and the regret of having chosen to abortion your child. 

I think that since you are the one who is pregnant and you are the one who will have to deal with having an abortion, you need to do what you want to do.  Your boyfriend saying that he will leave if you do not have an abortion is plain and simple manipulation.  He is manipulating you to get what he wants.  He should not be treating you like that.  This is your choice and you should be making it free from manipulation or coercion.  Clearly you want to have your child.  You can do it! 

Let me refer you to a pregnancy resource center.  Pregnancy resource centers are located all across the United States and help women just like you with their pregnancy.  They can help you get supplies for your baby like diapers, bottles, etc. as well as supplies for you like maternity clothes.  The best news is that they will help you for free!  All you have to do is call them.  To find the center that is closest to you, just go to:  http://www.optionline.org/ or you can call 1-800-712-HELP.  At the website all you have to do is type in your zip code in the gray box on the right and a list of centers will appear.  Just call the center and tell them what you told me.  They will be happy to help you. 

While I think you are perfectly capable of raising your child, you have brought up some good points: school, finances, etc.  You can be a mom and achieve all of your dreams, but it does become harder.  I think that you are capable to doing this, however, adoption is an option that you can look into.  Adoption is worth researching and getting information about and if you feel it is right for you great!  If you don’t feel that it is right for you, that is fine too.  But either way I would encourage you to investigate your option of adoption. 

There are different types of adoption plans you can make for your baby.  The first one is called an Open Adoption.  This is where you know the people you would like to parent your child personally.  It could be your parents, an aunt or uncle, a friend, etc.  After you have decided who you would like to raise your child, you find a lawyer and draw up the legal papers.  Keep in mind that you do not have to incur any expenses.  You can make a provision in the documentation that the adoptive parents will pay for everything.  That can even include all of your medical expenses before and after your pregnancy.  The nice thing about an open adoption is that since you know the people who are raising your child personally.  You may choose to see him or her as frequently as you want – even daily.

You may opt for a semi-open adoption.  This is an adoption that is facilitated through an adoption agency.  You get to pick whatever parents you would like, but in this case you usually don’t know the adoptive parents personally.  You may choose to share with them full identifying information or no information about yourself at all.  It is all up to you.  If you so choose you can request that they pay all of your pregnancy expenses too.  You get to decide how frequently you would like to have contact with your child.  You may choose to get letters every month or you may choose to see your child in person.  It all depends on you and what you want.

The last kind of adoption is called a closed adoption. You do not get to pick the adoptive parents and they know nothing about you.  While this choice is not popular, that does not mean that there is anything wrong with choosing this.  Again, you can request that the adoptive parents pay all of your medical expenses.

If you would like more information on adoption, you can check out: http://www.impregnant.org/. 

I know that you know what you want, and I would encourage you to choose what you want for your pregnancy without being coerced by your boyfriend.  You can do this!  I believe in you!  You’re a Stand Up Girl!  Stand up for what you want!

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Thanks for your reply.

I’m really worried about making the wrong decision. I’ve given my boyfriend, my absolute all. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to break my promise to him either, even if that means breaking a promise to myself. as i said before, he didn’t give me any time to even consider or talk about our options, and work it out together. he made the decision on his own and didn’t let me say much at all. i really want to take responsibility for my actions, and  I’m willing to face my mom, and his parents and tell them that this is what I’ve done, this is what I’m going to do, and this is how I’m going to do it. however, I don’t want to do this alone. I need his support. but if i make the “wrong” decision, i wont get the support i need from him. he did tell me later on that he wouldn’t leave me but i don’t know what he would actually do unless I’m really in that situation. also, being pregnant and stressed out isn’t a good combination. I’m considering an open adoption or semi-open adoption, or keep the baby and raise my baby with or without him. but i just don’t want to be another statistic and be a single teen mom. He’s scared, and i know that he is. he’s told me, and he acts scared. he told me that the only reason he would want an abortion is so that he doesn’t have to tell his parents that I’m pregnant.He doesn’t want to tell them because he would get kicked out and his parents would dis-own him. he would have to quit hockey and he’d have to sell his car. i know raising a baby includes sacrifices, and many of them. but I don’t want him to get kicked out of his own home and then being dis-owned by his parents. its really a difficult decision to make. but i was hoping you could help me out, by helping a friend of mine out?

Here’s her situation: she got her period May 23rd. and she had it until the 29th. so she thought she was supposed to get her period on the 29th of June. and her period was late. but really, she was supposed to get it on the 20th.She still doesn’t have a period. so shes really late now. almost 3 weeks late. she told me shes been showing signs of pregnancy , such as
1: exhaustion
2: bloated
3: back pain
4: nausea
5: loss of sleep
6: peeing more frequently
7: increased sense of smell.
and shes also gotten this metallic taste in her mouth after drinking Sunny D.

she doesn’t know if shes pregnant, and if she is.. how far along would she be?
she had sex June 8-10. and she was fertile from June 6th-12th.
she took a home pregnancy test on July 6th, and it came back invalid. (around 7pm)
then she took another on June 7th, and it came back negative. (around 6am)

she doesn’t know if its too early to test or if shes even pregnant. does it sound like she could be pregnant or not? shes really worried about it. and I’m worried about her. just like she is with me. just hoping you could help her and I out? thank you very much. i appreciate it soo much! 😀 i don`t feel alone anymore, because of YOU. 😀

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Hello Melissa,
It’s good to hear from you again.  I’m sorry that you are going through this whole mess.

My opinion is that it is never a good decision to get an abortion based upon what someone else wants for you.  In other words, getting an abortion to make your boyfriend happy is not a good choice.  This is your body and YOUR choice.  You see, about 80% of couples break up after an abortion.  So even if you have an abortion so that your boyfriend will stay with you, there is no guarantee that your relationship will last.  Your boyfriend might have the best of intentions to stay with you if you have an abortion, but in reality after you have an abortion there is nothing keeping him there.  If he leaves, then what will you do?  You will be without a boyfriend and without a baby.  But if you decide not to abort your baby, you will not be left with nothing because you will still have your baby.  If your boyfriend stays, you will have your baby and if he leaves, you will still have your baby. 

I am happy that you are willing to stand up and take responsibility and tell your family.  I think that shows remarkable strength of character.  Your boyfriend on the other hand, does not want to stand up and do the right thing by telling your family.  I don’t think that you should go along with this.  It takes a person of great character to do what is right and I really admire that about you.  But don’t let your boyfriend’s lack of character bring you down.  Continue on doing what you know is right.  Be a Stand Up Girl and tell the people in your family.  I think that you can do this! 

You know that you do not want to have an abortion, so do what your heart is telling you to do. 

With regard to your friend, I do not know whether or not she is pregnant.  It sounds to me that she needs to take another pregnancy test or go see her doctor for a blood pregnancy test (which is more accurate).  Here is a link to a website that can run a free and confidential pregnancy test for your friend: http://www.optionline.org/ or she can call 1-800-712-HELP.  At the website all she has to do is type in her zip code in the gray box on the right and a list of centers will appear.  Just call the center and tell them that she needs a free pregnancy test run.  They will be happy to help her. 

Let me know how things are going!

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Thank you.
So yesterday, my boyfriend and i got into a fight. I told him i wasn’t going to have an abortion and i said “either we’re raising our child together or im doing this alone. Your choice.” and he said ” I don’t know if we can do this, I’ll see you tomorrow ” and he walked out, and i heard that he started his car. He was outside for about 5mins, if that. And then he came inside, and he gave me a hug and a kiss then he said “I’m sorry. I’m here for you, I’m never walking out that door unless you’re coming with me.” (meaning hes not going to leave me.) and that whole night we sat down together and we talked about how we are going to graduate, support our child ( he has a job ) and tell our parents. He mentioned counseling last night, and personally i don’t like counseling, but i think we should get some help with our situation. I’m glad he mentioned it. I’m at his place, so tomorrow we’re going to tell my mom, then we will tell his parents when he’s ready to face them. Hes standing up now, and hes taking responsibility. Which i LOVE! And im going to be with him when he tells his parents, as he will be when i tell my mom 🙂

Thank you so much for your help! Please get back to me ASAP! 😀

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Melissa,

I am so happy to hear that your boyfriend is willing to help you and that he is going to do the right thing!  That is wonderful news! 

I agree with you that counseling might be a good choice for your situation.  I would encourage you to at least give it a try.  There is no harm in going a couple of times and seeing if it is right for you.  I think that would be very wise for you to do. 

Please email me pictures of your ultrasounds and pictures of your baby when he/she arrives.  We would love to see them! 

Congratulations!