A Good Guy?

by | 2007 | Sisters Column

  While definitely not an authority on men, like you, I am looking in the daytime with a flashlight for a good one. I’ll admit it, I am single, and would not mind finding a quality guy, but at the same time, I’m picky. Not just any man is up to my standards, and there […]
poofy hair


poofy hairWhile definitely not an authority on men, like you, I am looking in the daytime with a flashlight for a good one. I’ll admit it, I am single, and would not mind finding a quality guy, but at the same time, I’m picky. Not just any man is up to my standards, and there are qualifications he has to meet. For me, I would rather not date at all than go out with a loser. Why waste my time and effort on someone who is not worth it, just to be able to say, “I was on a date this Friday.” Some women derive satisfaction from being able to say this. It boosts their self esteem when they are asked out my multiple men, but not me. I will take one good one over a whole pile of losers.


It all comes down to love, the foundation to our relationships. But with love come such strong and confusing emotions how do you wade through it all? Your heart tells you one thing while your head another. All of us look for those good feelings that love brings. We want to belong in some one’s arms and have someone to kiss us goodnight at the end of the day. But this aspect is only one small part of love. There are other things I have to take into consideration when looking for a good guy. After all, the point of dating is marriage. I look for someone who can offer me more than passion. I’m looking for something deeper.

But what qualifications must he meet to be able to date me? First, if he is doing anything or is involved in anything illegal, he is no man for me. If I were to date him, his actions become a reflection on me. Moreover, if he has ever physically harmed me or tried to harm me, there is no reason I will stay with him even if he says he is sorry. I’m looking for a man that is going to build me up, a man who is inspiring me to do more and be a better person.

If he is not involved in anything illegal, I move to looking at his interactions with his friends. How does he treat them? Does he act differently when they are around? What do my friends say about him? Are they encouraging of our relationship? Evaluating him in this light is important because our relationship ought to start as friendship.

Relationships have to be about something other than the physical. Romances that are based on this do not have the tendency to last long. If I am in a relationship, I want it to be in it because there is something on the inside that is attractive. I’m not going to lie, looks are important and play a part, but it has to go deeper than that. I just think that for any relationship to last it has to start with a good foundation – a basis from which you start building.

After starting with friendship as a foundation, I look at how he interacts with his family. It’s true that you can choose your friends, but not your family. I like to see if he shows affection toward those whom he must remain civil. Remember, the point of dating is marriage. My friend who is married told me that after she got married, there were some days when all the magic was gone, and it was just the two of them trying to remain civil because they had made a commitment to each other. I hear that many marriages go through periods like this. But even though the romance and the passion were gone, my friend and her husband still had affection for one another and they were able to make it through.

But before you can even think about marriage, you have to date him. Dating tells a lot about someone, and I make sure that while we are together he puts me first. One way in which he does this is by listening to what I say. If I tell him that I am uncomfortable being alone with him, and that I want to hang out somewhere with more people, I expect him to respect my wishes. If he then tries to talk me down by saying things like, “My last girlfriend and I used to hang out alone all the time, why won’t you?” he is not a man for me. I can do better than that. I won’t take that kind of manipulation. If he’s not listening to me at this point in our relationship, he is definitely not going to listen if we get married.

Not many men realize that all women are princesses – only the good ones know this. You would be hard pressed to find anything on earth that is more valuable than a woman. Most women don’t even realize this about themselves, but it is true.

A guy should like me because of my qualities and my heart, not just my body. If he is interested in having sex with me, I am not interested in him. This is one of the most important things for which I look. I want to be with someone that is trying to protect me. Someone that is not merely looking for a good lay, but, instead says, I respect you so much that I do not want to risk our relationship, future, or our bodies by having sex. This is the mark of a true man. Some guys just want sex, and once they get it, they are out of there. That makes you feel so used, but you are worth more than that. I want a man that respects my body so much that he is not willing to do anything that would compromise it. He has to realize that I am valuable. If he puts me first while we are dating, chances are good that that habit will carry on into marriage.

Moreover, self sacrifice is one of the greatest marks of true love. It means loving something so much that you give even though there is no return. All the time I do things because I want someone to notice and appreciate what I did. I do it solely because I want the reward that goes along with it. I want other people to think that I am such a wonderful person. In our relationships, we have to learn to be self sacrificing. We have to give away even though there is no benefit to us. This is especially true of marriage. I often ask myself this question when I am evaluating a man. Would I be willing to sacrifice my wants and needs because I love him so much? Would I be willing to throw my dreams out the window because I love him? This is really, really hard, but I realize, if I am not willing to do that, or if he is not willing to do that, I’m not in a relationship that is capable of making it through the hard times.

I used to kinda think that passion would be enough. As long as we have each other, everything will be fine. Passionate love is important, but it does not deserve as much emphasis as it is given. It is way too over played. Have you ever noticed that in the beginning of a relationship you are head over heels, but then things kind of fizzle out? It’s because passionate feelings come and go. We are all looking for the emotional high that passion brings, but it’s fickle. I look for something with more substance. Additionally, it is good to start relationships out slowly. There is no need to commit emotionally or physically because he may turn out to be someone for which you did not bargain. I like to know what I am getting myself into; that way I can run if need be.

You may be feeling that there is no man out there who can meet all of these qualifications, and my expectations are too lofty. It is true that we are human and far from perfect, but there is no reason that you can’t raise your standards. We have every reason in the world to set our standards high. Why not wait for the right man? Wouldn’t he be worth it? I think so. Good things come to those who wait. I already know what my qualifications are, so when the day comes, I will know him when I see him.

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