Well! After a number of times trying to write extra huge life-story blogs and them not working, I have a lot to say (I think). I need to vent.

Firstly, I went to see my boyfriend the weekend before the one just gone… So pretty much a week ago! I was worried. We had been arguing constantly. But we had a wonderful time, most of the time. I think we had 2 arguments overall, one I can’t remember why, and the other because me and his mum had stayed up until 5 am having a few beverages and having a laugh, and he wanted to sleep. Fair enough, but at least I was having fun, right? We had a great Valentine’s Day – went for a beautiful meal at a Thai restaurant and saw the movie Valentine’s Day. But, and yes, there is always a but when it comes to our relationship, or more our situation. I became a bit… Obsessive, you could say. He has a 9 week old baby sister and I wanted her around ALL the time! Luckily, his mum said that I had a ‘free pass’ to look after her whenever I wanted, which was wonderful. I was left on my own to look after her every now and then, feeding her and we played together. I’d make her smile while I ticked her tummy… It was almost maternal. I loved it. I hated it. Thinking about what could have been – playing with my own little one, seeing him or her smile for the first time. My boyfriend even said how it tore him apart to see me playing with his sister. I WANT that. I’m not writing this to get responses such as “You’re still young, you can have children when you’re older” or anything of that sort – I am not one of those young girls trying to conceive simply because I think a baby is ‘cute’. I think I have more of a reason to feel the way I do. I was manipulated into giving up my child, and now I want what’s known as a ‘replacement baby’. It’s true. I want to be a mum. But that’s because, in a way, I already am a mum. I’ve seen my own child on a screen. I’ve buried my own child. I’ve grieved the loss of my child. I think I have more reason than a lot of people to want a baby, and to long for the feeling of motherhood.

I had my second session with my counselor. He realized that I was not the one who was in charge of my situation, and I believe that. He said we are now going to look at the future and what I can do so that the death of my baby was not in vain. I believe this. This comforted me… For a while. But in the evening I was back to my normal ways, blaming my boyfriend, saying harsh things and practically begging him to start a family. I realize that what I say is wrong, eventually. But at the time, I was blinded by my loss. I have what’s known as Post-Abortion Traumatic Grief. All the symptoms are correct, and the timing. It’s great to know that I am now a label. Almost a mental case… (Sarcasm.) Yet in some ways, it gives me the incentive to move on. I’m just stuck at the moment in the same rut that I can’t get out of. It’s only just been 2 months so no one can expect me to be over it yet.

I started my new job on Saturday evening. It was good, but 15 minutes before the end, I found that my young colleague was pregnant. Cherry on the cake? Absolutely. As soon as I got in the car to go home, I went in tears to my mum. I can’t cope with pregnant women, talking about their scans knowing I would be having mine if it was up to me.
I have turned into a jealous, lonely person.
Last night, I made my boyfriend cry, hysterically. I was so furious with everything, and once again, I was blaming him, yet he took the blame. He said that it’s all his fault, and that made me feel guilty. That wasn’t what I asked for. I don’t understand why he is still with me. I’m heartless these days. He says it’s like I don’t care anymore, and that he knows I don’t feel the same as I used to. Yet he sticks by me…

I am numb. And full of regrets.