My life has been far from perfect…

I’ve made several mistakes throughout my teenage life that led me to the position I am in now. I made poor sexual choices that resulted in not only hurting myself but several people around me as well. I don’t really know what happened in between then and now. All I can say is that I’ve grown, developed, and learned to make much better decisions with my body and otherwise.
I am 20 years old, I have a boyfriend of 3 years whom I love, and together, we have a beautiful 8-month-old baby girl. We had an apartment for about 9 months, but he hasn’t worked in over a year and I quit my job in June. We ran out of money and got evicted, leaving the 3 of us back at my mother’s house.  I’m beyond hurt. I feel like I wasted all my money, time, and energy when I was the only one trying to provide for my family. Now I have poor credit, no savings, no apartment, and I’m about $2,000 in debt.
Wanna know the best part to this fairy tale life I lead?

We’re pregnant again.

Yup, that’s right… We’re gonna have another baby… Making our 2 children less than 18 months apart.

We’ve agreed that we can barely provide a good lifestyle for our daughter alone and to add another child into the mix would be very unfair for her, let alone an extremely large amount of work for the 2 of us. I’ve always disagreed with abortion and never really spoke to anyone who had an abortion about their abortion. About an hour ago, I read exactly what they do to a woman and the fetus to perform an abortion and frankly, it makes me sick. We’ve considered giving the child to a couple in the family who is unable to conceive children.

At this point, I truly believe that that is the best choice for the baby.  I know we do not have the resources to care for another child. I know that the people we are considering giving the child to do. What I don’t know is…  How are we going to explain this to the kids when they get older? Will they spite me for this decision and say I love one more than the other because I decided to keep them?.. Am I wrong if I have another child after this one and decide to keep it?  How am I going to tell my mother that I’m pregnant, again?

And I understand I am a mother now and things like parties and how I look shouldn’t really concern me… But I’m still young. I found out I was pregnant with my first child on my 19th birthday (in March) and had the baby in December…  So I couldn’t really do anything then… Or for my 20th birthday.. So I’m already getting excited for my 21st because its supposed to be a big deal….  But it looks like I’ll be around 36 weeks pregnant then, so no celebration… And I mean… I gained 60 lbs. with my first baby…  60 freaking pounds!!!!  I have so many stretch marks on my stomach legs and hips that I looks like a zebra… I often compare my stomach to that of my grandmother’s, saggy and wrinkly….  And it really… I mean REALLY bothers me… I’m 20… Yea, I know… Most 20 year olds look good.. 5’6” 135 lbs. like… I got a nice figure… But my skin looks terrible and I have love handles…  And I just don’t know how I’m gunna look after I have another baby…
I just got used to not being pregnant… Now I have to spend the next 40 weeks, peeing and sleeping and eating and nauseas and going to the doctor and being frikkin huge… Then I have to deliver another child!!! For those of you who have not had a kid yet… It’s hard… It’s a lot of work being pregnant and then you have to deliver a baby and I think its kinda scary and I’m really nervous about doing it again so soon.

I guess I just need some support/ motivation….