I can’t believe that I’m still up.

I can’t seem to get tired, but hey, I can sleep most of later today if I need to. Just trying to deal with so much so far as school, and relationships. It seems that over these past 4 months or so, I have forgotten an important factor in the whole ordeal. I’ve been so busy trying to deal with everything that I haven’t stopped and just talked to God. You know, at the beginning of everything, I was so angry with God. I mean, who did He think He was, messing with my life like this? I just wanted to deny His existence and banish him from my life. I was just so angry at Him, but then over the past week or so, I had to face up that I was blaming the wrong person. I made the choices that led to my pregnancy, not God. But He is there for me to depend on. Sometimes, it seems that leaning on him just isn’t enough. I mean yes, He can pull me through anything. I just don’t always agree with His tactics, but whose to say that God is doing this to me? My isolation, boredom, and depression are once again my fault. Who’s stopping me from leaving the house other than me? Who’s making me watch tv all day? Who’s really doing anything to me other than myself? You know, it’s so easy to blame God for your mishaps and run away from your problems. Well, considering pregnancy isn’t that easy, well, I need to pray. In order to do that, I need to forgive myself. Why didn’t someone tell me that growing up would be so hard? I want to be 5 again and cling to my mommy whenever something doesn’t go my way.

I just don’t know what to do anymore, turning to God is my only option.