I am 19 years old. I am currently attending a well-known and respected college under scholorships and grants. I worked really hard in school to get here and my family expects alot from me. They have always considered me very mature. I was also in a very loving, happy, wonderful relationship with, who I thought was, the man of my dreams. We had spent the last year completely enamored with eachother and were connected at the hip. I had a promising, normal, future.

About four months ago, we found out that I was pregnant. My boyfriend, who is one year younger than me, was already dealing with some tough life changes. His parents had recently spilled that after 19 years of a seemingly perfect marriage, their life together was no longer working and would soon be over. He was devastated. Then, not too much longer afterwards, the baby news came. It all is too much to handle. The boy that I once thought was my everything, and me his, has completely isolated himself from me, leaving me heartbroken and alone. Although we are not broken up, I know that we are heading in that direction. My heart hurts. It really, really hurts.

On the other hand, my family is very, very excited for me. We have worked every single detail out for me to keep this little baby. I can still go to school, work, have babysitters, healthcare, and a wonderful place to live. My parents are already picking out nursery colors. My sister, who is my best friend and mother to my two godchildren, has already taken me to do my registry and is allowing me to borrow any and every baby item that she owns, which will help out alot. My family's generosity and consistent support is wonderful. I feel so very blessed to have them.

Besides my boyfriend, everything is perfect. The baby, I will find out in a few weeks the sex, if absolutely perfect. Wonderful heartbeat, good ultrasounds. Basically my doctor told me that I am at my prime age to concieve children, physically. I am starting to show, barely, and have had a very easy, painless, morning-sicknessless pregnancy thus far. Overall I know that I am lucky. However, everything that is happening with my boyfriend is tearing me apart.

I have troubles sleeping and I have to force myself to eat for my baby. I recently went to the hospital for dehydration and a kidney infection because I wasn' t taking care of myself. I really do love my baby and am very, very excited for him/her to come, but I cannot seem to shake myself off of him and onto preparations for baby. I do not want to be this pathetic, but I just feel so very alone, depressed, confused, and sad. I miss him and what we had so much. He wants me to have an adoption, he feels that we are not yet ready to be parents and that another family, who is ready, could provide a wonderful life for our child. Although I admire this decision, I do not think that it is the right one for me. We do not talk about it, although I really wish that we would. I just want my support system back, and he can't be there for me. I feel as if we have the means to do this, so why not?

My boyfriend thinks that if we give the baby up, then everything can go back to the way that it was. I am not so sure. I know that things have changed and now that I have seen him this way, I don't know if I could take him back and trust him to be there for me when the going gets tough. I also feel as if this is not who he is, this is not the guy that I dated for a year. He has changed under the pressure, and I know that he is not happy, even though we do not talk about it.

I know that I am mourning him, and I want to stop hating my days and start appreciating this miracle. I love my baby and I know that once he/she comes, nothing else will matter. I also truly believe, although not all of the time, that I do have hopes for happiness. Some day, someone will love me and accept me and my baby together. My dreams for a wonderful marriage and life are not completely shattered. However, there are days when I find myself having a hard time believing this and I would like to know if anyone can help me. I feel as if people try to help, but can't understand. I need someone else who has experienced this to talk me through it. Give me some pointers on how to make myself better.

Everyone says that they believe that my boyfriend is a good guy and will come around, especially after the baby comes. I am not so convinced. I would also appreciate some guidance on how to legally handle support from him. Everyone tells me that the baby deserves it. Even if I don't need it for monthly expenses, the child can use it for college, or a rainy day fund.

Any and all advice or comments are welcomed and appreciated. Please help me.