Rebecca St James, with several gold albums and singles to her credit, granted StandUpGirl an interview. We discussed what she hears from young women as she tours on concert around the world, depression, redemption, and self-esteem. In her career as a singer, she has met thousands of young women and tells us what she hears and feels about their relationships.
StandUpGirl – Hello Rebecca, thanks for taking time from your busy schedule to speak with us.
Rebecca St. James – My pleasure.
StandUpGirl – You have spent most of your adult life singing to young people around the world. Your music touches on the joys and the sorrows that young women experience as they set out in life. You have had a lot of singles that have gone gold and several albums including If I Had a Chance To Tell You Something, a brand new album just released. You have written 3 books: Away From Me, Sister Freaks, and recently, She Teen. Through all that work, you have talked to a lot of young people about being faithful and patient. You must have heard back from some of them about their life experiences with young men. What are you hearing from these young women?
Rebecca St. James – Every night at performances, young people thank me for my message about saving sex for marriage. I started speaking about that when I was probably 16. So really my entire ministry, 12 years now, I have been speaking about this issue of purity. I so believe that it is incredibly important because I see a lot of my generation being ripped off in this area and really thrown a lie that you can do whatever feels good and just please yourself and they are not talking about the consequences. They are not talking about the emotional pain that comes from giving yourself to somebody outside of the commitment of marriage and the covenant of marriage. They are not talking about STD’s. They are not talking about AIDS.
So I really want to be a part of pointing young people to God’s way. That it is the best, and it is wonderful and that it is doable. You know that I am 28 years old and I am a virgin. I am waiting you know.
I hear lots of stories from young girls and I have spoken to young girls who are now married who are dealing with STDs (sexually transmitted diseases). Because of opportunities, I met one girl who slept with her boyfriend after he pressured her to have sex with him and he broke up with her a week later. And because of that, she got involved with drugs and alcohol and slept with a bunch of different guys after that.
StandUpGirl – A story our visitors have seen play out time and time again, unfortunately.
Rebecca St. James – I hear the pretty intense stories, but then I also talk to them about forgiveness and second chances. And they know that there is hope.
StandUpGirl – On that theme, Becky and the staff at StandUpGirl talk to a lot of young women every day. A common thread that we see in our communications with these girls is the idea that once virginity is lost there is no point in thinking about purity any longer. That they simply can’t go back. So, what would you say to those girls, Rebecca?
Rebecca St. James – Yeah. Well, I think that is one of The Enemy’s biggest lies in this area. Is this lie that, “Hey, once you’ve had sex, you have blown it, so you might as well keep having sex.” I believe that The Enemy just wants young people to stay living in that sin and stay trapped by it. To really steal, kill, and destroy trust in these young people’s lives. What I really share every time I talk about purity I talk about forgiveness. And I have a love song I wrote to my future husband saying, “I am waiting for you. Will you wait for me too?” And there is a line in the song that says, “Now, I know you may have made mistakes, but there is forgiveness and a second chance. So wait.”
That message of forgiveness is so important for all of us because everyone of us has made mistakes and fallen short. We all deal with guilt. We all deal with shame. But, God is the Father who has His arms open wide and is waiting for us to run home to Him. I have a song on my new album called, “You Are Loved.” It was partially implied by that girl that I told you about before, whose boyfriend broke up with her a week after she had slept with him. That boyfriend told her that the reason he slept with her was to make sure that he didn’t love her. So she was dealing with such incredible amounts of rejection from that that she even tried to commit suicide along with all the other stuff that was going on with her life, slashing her wrists. I really felt lead just to talk to her about forgiveness and second chances. I wrote on her hand in black marker, “YOU ARE LOVED” and I told her every day to look at that and to remember that she is so loved by God. God doesn’t want her to live in that sin. She can be free. She can have a second virginity and so that is something that is really, really important to for me to share.
StandUpGirl – We have heard a lot of stories like that on StandUpGirl as well.
Rebecca St. James – Yes. It shows.
StandUpGirl -Your experience there with her is something that is not as uncommon as we would like it to be, certainly. It is heartbreaking.
Rebecca St. James – Yeah, it is.
StandUpGirl – So, I want to go back to another idea that you touched on in your first answer. This notion that abstinence is a good thing for women and is a realistic lifestyle is something that shows up in your concerts and in your music. How do you think that young women are responding to that idea and how does that effect your personal relationships with men?
Rebecca St. James – OK, Well, I think sometimes this concept of waiting is a wonderful way. I think it is something that really needs to be affirmed in our culture because I think there is almost this conception, and I have spoken of this in my concerts, in “Oh, yes. So we should wait.” Like Christian teens. “We should wait. I know it is a good idea. Like, I know God wants us to do that.” But not really like celebrating how awesome waiting is. I think waiting is one of the most romantic things that you can do. I mean, really. I have t-shirt that says, “Waiting For My Prince Charming” you know and I just feel like I just had another t-shirt made recently that says, “Waiting For My Holy Hunk”. I think there is a lot of joy and celebration in living God’s way. Like I said before, you are free from so many things not only the emotional consequences but all the other things I have listed before too. And it is something to celebrate. You can stand for God in this area with your friends and pray for accountability.
I am just so excited about going to my honeymoon, you know, on my first night with my husband not thinking about all the other guys I had been with. I am just excited about how romantic and beautiful and right that is. I think just affirming that, “Hey, God’s way is the best and it’s not like you are missing out on anything. You’re making your future more wonderful and there is a lot of joy in the journey while you wait.
You also asked about my boundaries with men. How my commitment effects my relationships with guys. I only date, obviously, Christian guys, also guys who are already committed to waiting as well and they are going to stand with me on that and are not going to push me down a way that I feel very strongly about not going. And then there are other things like if we happen to be alone in a room, especially alone in a room at night, we keep a shoe in the door. Keep the door propped open so that anyone could walk in at any point. And just that whole knowing that somebody could come in at any point really keeps me from getting up to mischief. Those are just some things that I have instituted in my life that have really, really helped.
StandUpGirl – I know you have to go, and we only have a couple of minutes left. I did want to ask, you have this “Waiting For My Prince Charming” T-shirt that you have designed. Would it be possible for us to sell that on the website?
Rebecca St. James – Oh, I am sure, you would be very welcome.
StandUpGirl – Thanks so much Rebecca, good luck with your performance tonight.
Rebecca St. James – You keep up the good work there too!
Goodbye.
I went to a birthday party. It was like my first time going to a real party. I met a guy who was a lot older than me. At that time he was 23, we started dating a few days after the party, he was so sweet, he would always call me like a hundred times a day, gave me flowers, take me to dinner, all those things that can win over a girl’s heart and even more at 14 being so naive. I fell completely in love, one day he took me to a party, he offered me a tequila, which I rejected cuz of everything my mom used to tell me (and she was so right), he insisted, so I took a shot, he then offered me another shot, and another, and another,
Dear Becky and Lisa —
This is a beautiful site for young girls who are pregnant, alone, and scared. I am writing because I want to share my personal story with you and with the other girls that come here looking for help and guidance. Being a pregnant teen and scared isn’t easy, but it’s good. Knowing you are not alone is key in being able to make good decisions for yourself and your unborn baby.
I’m 18 years old and I have a 3 and a half years old daughter, her name is Isabella. When I was 14, I went to a birthday party. It was like my first time going to a real party. I met a guy who was a lot older than me, at that time he was 23. We started dating a few days after the party. He was so sweet, he would always call me like a hundred times a day, gave me flowers, take me to dinner, all those things that can win over a girl’s heart and even more at 14, being so naive. I fell completely in love.
One day, he took me to a party. He offered me a tequila, which I rejected cuz of everything my mom used to tell me (and she was so right). He insisted, so I took a shot. He then offered me another shot, and another, and another. When I told him we had to leave cuz it was late and I tried to stand up, I was so dizzy and I couldn’t even move. I was so drunk. He helped me and he was supposed to drive me home but he didn’t. He took me into his apartment and the rest is history. I’m gonna be really honest with you, I can’t even remember what happened that day. I just woke up the next morning with a very bad headache, so I stayed in bed the whole day. At night, I called him. He didn’t answer my call. The days went by. He never called me again and I was so sad. I didn’t know what was happening or why he wouldn’t answer my calls.
3 weeks later, I started waking up and having nausea. One day at school, I felt really dizzy. I almost fainted. Since then, I started feeling horrible in the morning and at night, my mom was so worried that she wanted me to have a ‘conversation’ with me, she went straight to the point and ask if I’ve had been with a boy sexually speaking. I said of course not. She said she believed me but that she had bought something for me, and I was like “OK sure.” It was a pregnancy test. I did the test cuz I didn’t know what happened that night. I knew my boyfriend loved me so much that he’d never do something like that to me. So I wasn’t afraid or something to take the test, and obviously I wasn’t thinking on being pregnant. The big surprise was that the test came out to be positive, I was pregnant. I was so shocked, I couldn’t even speak. My mother started to cry. I tried to explain her but she didn’t let me. She told my father the same night. He yelled at me and said horrible things about me. I went to my boyfriend’s apartment and asked him why he wasn’t returning my calls. I also was asking him to explain to me what happened the other night cuz I told him what was happening. When he found out that I was pregnant, he broke up with me. He said the baby wasn’t his. He even kicked me out of his house and called me a sl*t. I was devastated, I couldn’t believe it.
The next morning when I woke up, my parents had packed up a bag with all my my clothes, shoes, everything. I didn’t know what they were going to do, I was really scared, I couldn’t stop crying. They said, “It’s your choice, you see, you’re 14 years old and definitively not prepared for a baby. Now, you can choose between keeping the baby or moving out of here.” I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing from my own parents, from the people who brought me into this world. I chose an abortion, not cuz I wanted but I didn’t have no choice actually. I didn’t have a job or money. I didn’t have anywhere to go. I was actually at my parents’ mercy. They took me into a hospital to be a 100% sure of my pregnancy and when they were completely sure, we went into a clinic to get the abortion done. I cried all the way into the clinic and when we arrived there, the nurse said I could always say no to the procedure if I wasn’t sure that I wanted to get an abortion. I told my parents I would’ve never expected for them to say I should kill my unborn baby so I left the clinic. I went to my best friend’s home to talk about what was happening and she said I couldn’t stay there, that her mother wouldn’t allow it for obvious reasons.
I didn’t know what to do. I felt so lost and lonely but I called my older sister. She was 21 at the time and she moved out from home since she was 18. She told me she would me pick me up at my parents’ house, so I just took some clothes, shoes, and stuff like that. She told me she didn’t have enough money to support me and obviously, she didn’t have any money to raise a child but she said she could help me find a job, and she did. Since I wasn’t going to school anymore, I was working full time, so I earned some cash. I helped my sister with food, with the phone bill, and stuff like that. My parents were mad, and have stayed that way with my sister and me and they have never spoken to us ever since.
I gave birth on May 27th to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. Her father doesn’t even know her. I think she’s more than he deserves. My sister tried to support me in all the ways she could and I’m so thankful cuz of that. I don’t know where I would be without her. I love her so much. She’s been married for over a year now. She gave me her apartment when she moved to her new home with her husband. I’m still working full time. My sister comes and helps me take care of Isabella while I’m working, and I don’t care how hard I have to work to give my baby a life that she deserves. I’m trying to give her everything cuz she deserves the entire world. Now that my daughter will begin pre-school soon, I’m planning to finish high school, and hopefully I will able to do it.
So my advice is no matter how hard your life gets. It always turns out to be better if you just think clearly, work hard, and remain calm. So if you’re consider gettin’ an abortion, please think about it again. Remember I chose life for my baby and I don’t regret it at all. I went through a lot of things but at the end, I made it and here I am with my daughter and everytime I see her, I thank God for having her.
Thanks so much again for having this wonderful site, and for helping young girls to face an unexpected pregnancy. I hope if they read my story, it can help girls realize you are never alone and that your baby deserves a chance to come into the world.
Danna
Dearest Danna — hello!
Wow! What a wonderful life story you have Danna and you are such a wonderful Stand Up Girl!
Isn’t it amazing at how wonderful you can feel when you look into the eyes of your precious little girl?
I am so so sorry that your parents have distanced themselves from you and your daughter. They really are missing out on so so much!
And I do have to say that your sister is a wonderful Stand Up Girl too! I bet your little Isabella is a beautiful little girl!
Thank you so very much for sharing your wonderful story for choosing life!
It really made my day!
Luv Lisa
I was 17 and halfway through my senior year in high school. I also had no place to live. When I told my boyfriend, he freaked out and told me he would pay for an abortion, but would not hang around if I didn’t get one.
Dear Becky —
Hey. Last December, I found out I was pregnant. I was 17 and halfway through my senior year in high school. I also had no place to live. When I told my boyfriend, he freaked out and told me he would pay for an abortion, but would not hang around if I didn’t get one.
I thought that there was no way to choose anything else, so I made an appointment to go to the clinic. The night before, I changed my mind. I received ultrasound pictures of my nephew from my brother, and could not deny that there was definitely a child inside. I called my boyfriend and told him I had changed my mind. That was the last time I talked to him.
I called my dad and told him what happened, and we got together to talk. He agreed to let me move back in with him as long as I stayed in school. The mornings where I was sick on the bus were no fun, but it was worth it when I graduated in June. I was 27 weeks pregnant.
I had my son September 3rd, and he is beautiful. It scares me to think how close I came to ending his life. He smiled at me last week, and it made all the hard times worthwhile. I will be starting school this January, and I know now that my future was not made any worse by keeping my son. Now I have someone to share my future with.
That guy was not worth killing my son. Anyone who asks you to choose him over your child is not someone you want to be with anyway. But I couldn’t be happier with how things worked out. I love my son and I cant wait to see what’s coming!
Laura
Dearest Laura —
I’m Lisa and I am from the Stand Up Girl website. Wow! What a heart warming, wonderful story you shared! My heart just sang with joy when I read at how you Stood Up for your baby boy. Isn’t it the biggest reward when you see all the milestones? His first smile, his first word, his first step?
Thank you, Laura, for sharing your story. I know that when many girls read your story, it will be an encouragement to them. That she too can have her baby and she can still go on with her life. That by having her baby, it’s not making her future worse – it’s really more of a joy.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Luv Lisa
The day I went to have it done, the clinic gave me 2 pills. One to take there and one at home. I did it alone because of the overwhelming shame I felt. I followed the directions word for word, but nothing prepared me for what happened. First off, it was the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. And secondly, I SAW my baby.
Dear Becky —
Two years ago, I made the worst mistake of my life; I got a non-surgical abortion. I was only 19 at the time and I thought that my boyfriend (at the time) and I wouldn’t be good parents. Plus, I had a very crazy, full life and a baby just wouldn’t fit in. Mainly though, I was just scared. The problem was that no one informed me just how alive my baby was. I thought that at nine weeks, he/she was just a bubble of goo, not really alive. I found out the hard way.
The day I went to have it done, the clinic gave me 2 pills. One to take there and one at home. I did it alone because of the overwhelming shame I felt.
I followed the directions word for word but nothing prepared me for what happened.
First off, it was the worst pain I have EVER felt in my life. And secondly, I SAW my baby. After I had ‘expelled’ the sac, he or she was in there. It was. MY BABY. Words can never describe what I saw. I remember that he/she looked so human already and I hate myself for not knowing that he/she had a heart and eyes. Very blue eyes on the sides of the head and the starting of hands and feet. And I remember that I loved him or her right then. And I remember thinking it was too late. I had no idea that my baby was so big after only 2 months; About the size of an inch, maybe more.
I will never forget my baby and I want to warn other girls that just because you can’t see or feel it inside you doesn’t mean it’s not alive. Get the facts! Please, please, please Becky, post this on your site so other don’t make the same mistake!
Love,
Amber |
Ohhh Amber! —
My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand Up Girl with some of her e-mail.
As I read your e-mail I just had a feeling I knew what was coming. I couldn’t help but have to keep wiping my eyes with the tissue as I thought of how alone you must have felt and the horror you must have felt when you saw and held your baby. As I read your story – I had to sit in my chair covering my mouth, wishing I could just give you a big loving hug and tell you — ohhh Amber, I am so very very sorry.
Not one heart can contain such pain – can it? I am here for you, Amber. Know that you are not alone. I also had (I’m sorry to say) 2 abortions. It’s taking me forever to write this letter to you ’cause I’m just full of tears for you Amber. No words that I can say will take away the memory or the pain. But can I share my story with you. Do you know how I found relief? How I found freedom? You can read it if you want, and if you don’t want to – that’s OK too. I’m a previously featured Stand Up Girl.
Amber – what I’d like to do is share a website with you that can maybe offer a post-abortion group. I did it once for each of my babies and the materials that I used was a book called “Forgiven and Set Free” written by Linda Cochran. It was an amazing and wonderful book, only about 10 chapters long that brought me through all of the emotional steps that I needed to find healing, forgiveness and freedom.
The biggest step was my step to have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Now – I don’t share this with everyone on the site. I’m not Bible thumping anyone. Not at all. I just want to share … I tried everything. I tried drugs, alcohol, promiscuity, partying – I tried a lot of things. But when I finally got a relationship with Him, – I found freedom.
So if you are interested, just let me know and I’ll tell you all about Him. In the meantime – let’s see if we can locate a center near you that might offer post-abortion group. Trust me – if you call one of these centers, more than likely the girl that answers the phone will be someone just like you and like me. But she has found healing and is wanting to share that with any girl that will call. OK?
Let me know what you can find OK? And please know that I’m right here if you want to talk. I will always listen patiently OK?
I’m right here for you. Thank you for the courage to write your letter.
Luv Lisa
I had my son Damon at age 16. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I dropped out of school when I was 3 months pregnant and always told myself I can return next year.
Dear Becky —
I had my son Damon at age 16. It was one of the hardest things I had ever done in my life. I dropped out of school when I was 3 months pregnant and always told myself I can return next year.
I spent the next 2 months arguing with my parents about the decision that was mine and my son’s father, whether to keep my son or have an abortion or give him up for adoption. The next 5 months were normal until the 7th month when I started to experience sickness and cramps. The doctor told me that it was morning sickness though I couldn’t understand why after 7 months, I would have morning sickness. Two weeks later, my son was born at 5 lbs 7 oz 19 in. I am now 23 years old. My son will be 7 in October. I achieved my G.E.D in June and this past February, I enrolled in college to get my Bachelors of Science in Accounting.
The reason I am writing is to let all teen parents know your dreams can come true, it will just take effort and a whole lot of faith in yourself.
Trisha
Dearest Trisha —
My name is Lisa and I help Becky at the Stand Up Girl website with some of her e-mail.
You know what, Trisha – I just got finished with writing a return letter to a girl that was afraid that she would wind up in welfare because that is what everyone told her would happen. It is young women like you that prove it can be done and I just wanted to encourage her … she can do it.
You know why? You are both Stand Up Girls!
I am so proud of you! Thank you for sharing your story with us. You brightened my day!
Luv Lisa |
Hey Lisa. I am 16 years old and I need some answers. I am thinking more and more every day I am pregnant. Can you help?
Dearest Emily – I would love to help you. Really the only way I can truly help you is to maybe refer you to a center where you can have a free and confidential pregnancy test taken.
Would you like that information?
I will give you a link to a site where you can find one near you. Just to let you know also that I’m not a doctor, so I can’t really give you any medical advice, and truly the only way that you will know for sure if you are or are not pregnant is to get a test taken.
http://www.optionline.org/advantage.asp
Or you can call (800) 395-HELP (4357)
Let me know what you find. OK?
Thank you for your e-mail
Luv Lisa
Hey Lisa, I took a test and it was negative but I really was looking forward to having a baby. Do you think I should still consider getting pregnant?
Brittany – Hello. I’m so glad you asked me. You know what I really think is the best idea? Enjoy being 16 and then enjoy being 17 and do the
things that you can do to prepare to be a mommy after becoming a wife.
You know why? Because a baby truly is not only a big responsibility and takes every minute of your time, but a baby is an expensive undertaking.
Let’s do this … Go to the supermarket … or to a Babys ‘R’ Us store and pretend like you are shopping. Grab a large package of diapers because you will be changing a diaper probably about 4 times a day.
So… 4 diapers a day (roughly), 7 days a week. That is 28 diapers.
So, put enough in your basket to last you 2 weeks. Then you need baby formula. That goes really fast. Then bottles, baby clothing (which doesn’t last long because babies grow fast!), bottle nipples, all the items for diaper changing .. powder, baby wipes and so forth.
Really – the reason why I suggest this? It is because we all want a little baby so badly. A baby to love, a baby will be so adorable and I would love to hold my very own baby and care for him/her. Brittany, in due time you will, but you really want to have a husband that supports you. A husband that says when you are so tired one night when the baby is crying “Honey, I’ll get up and feed or change the baby, you sleep.”
Another reason is … if you want to share and show love for a baby, you should have a mommy and a daddy there and ready to love and to care for him/her. You would want to experience pregnancy WITH the man that loves you and is truly excited to have the baby with you.
If you have a baby now, you will have to bypass all the wonderful things of 16, 17 and 18 year old stuff. Prom night, graduation and hangin’ out with your friends, a wedding day as you look forward to starting a family with your husband rather than you have a ready-made family.
Brittany – I would say wait to have a baby. Babies are adorable, but it truly is best when you have a husband standing by your side.
Something I might suggest … get a tiny puppy and begin with caring for a puppy, give the puppy your time and you can pay for all the puppies food and feed it and care for it. That’s still a big responsibility – don’t you think?
Let me know what you think Brittany. Thank you so much for your e-mail.
Luv Lisa
Hey, thank you for helping me. I think I will wait. You are right. I don’t think I’m ready for all the responsibility, but one day, I will be ready so once again thank you so much for your help!!
your friend, Brittany
PS. Write me back some time..:)
Brittany – I am so very proud of you! Maybe choosing purity to marriage might be your next step? That’s what my husband and I did. We loved each other so much too … but we waited until we were married before we had sex. I wasn’t a virgin when I met my husband unfortunately, but I got so tired of dealing with the fears of pregnancy before marriage that I made a vow before God that I would save my body until marriage. I learned, Brittany, that True Love Waits! The man that I married proved to me how much he really loved me and he waited for marriage before we got intimate.
If you’re interested in that too – I’d love to share a really cool site with you. They have this jewelry that says “True Love Waits” and you can wear it … kind of like a confirmation of your vow. Something just kinda different and fun. Maybe your friends will catch on to it too.
I’m proud of you Brittany. Take care of yourself. Let me know if you’re interested in taking that vow and that jewelry!
Luv Lisa
Yes, I would be very interested in taking that vow. That would be awesome..:)
Woo hoo! How cool is that Brittany!
Here’s the link. I love these … let me know if you find something!
http://www.factory79.com/
Luv Lisa
