Well here it comes, a whole year of sadness, depression, guilt, and not knowing what to do.
It will soon be a year since my abortion and everyday has been hell for me :(. Sometimes, I just sit and cry and don’t know what to do with myself.
Everyone says that I need to try and forget about it but how can you forget about something you did like that….?
I was at a graduation tonight and many thoughts were stirred in my mind and in my heart…
In the front row, a girl sat with her friends yet in a sense, she sat alone. She sat there as a child entering adulthood but at the same time, she is already so much more of an adult than many of her peers…. They all have had their trials and struggles to make it to the point of graduation, some have probably lost loved ones, some have lost pets, others could have been homeless for parts of their school years, maybe some had been seriously injured or went through surgeries or some other unexpected crisis? This girl’s “unexpected crisis” happened to be pregnancy…How many of the girls in those caps and gowns had faced the same thing? I know 2 others for sure, one walked across the stage rather large, this being her due date, the other made it through the year as a single mom, this one in the front row also delivered just over a month before she proudly received her hard-earned diploma.
But as I sat there listening to the impacting speeches by their peers about, “Standing for something, or you will fall for anything” , “For every person telling you that you cannot make it, there are two others telling you that you can,” I looked at the sea of faces wondering how many were suffering the secret shame of abortion. How many other girls in that graduating class found themselves in a crisis pregnancy? As they walked across the stage they carried a what if while the other 3 girls carried their accomplishment of victory against all odds. No matter where I go or what I do, pregnancy is always on my mind. After spending so much time on Standupgirl.com, I am so aware that every girl I meet or see from afar could be in a crisis with no one to talk to or support them. Even during the graduation, I took my daughter to the bathroom. There was a girl in one of the stalls and she was sitting on the ground, I assumed throwing up… I lingered to make sure she was OK…She had been throwing up and I gently placed my hand on her shoulder to ask her if she thought she might be pregnant… She told me no, but still, who wants to tell a compete stranger if they think they are pregnant? I just feel a need to love on girls who think that they are pregnant or know that they are pregnant. The world makes them to feel that there is no hope, no one to turn to, they will ruin their lives. They push them into some abortion clinic and then bail out on them when they grieve over their child that is no longer within their womb and can never be replaced….I just gently assured her that I just wondered because if she was, I was there to talk to and , with my HUGE belly sticking out, I told her that I knew a lot about it…. Who knows, whether she is pregnant or not, maybe that one gentle reassurance will make her think twice….
So anyways, the words spoken by teachers and graduates during the ceremony were to encourage these young adults that are heading into the real world, but what I heard tonight was what every girl in a crisis pregnancy needs to hear…. Face what the world has to throw at you, Stand for something or you will fall for anything, For every person telling you that you cannot do it, there are two people telling you that you can…. Why can’t we be so willing to share these words with a girl who is facing crisis pregnancy? Why are we so willing to help them “cover it up”, “take care of the problem”, or shun them away and tell them their life is ruined?? The girl in the front row Stood Up. She walked through her senior year pregnant, she gave birth, she stayed in regular school without “hiding” or “covering up”… She boldly states with the way she lives her life and walks with her head held high, “I messed up, but God is bigger than my mistakes, He makes blessings out of my wrongs, He gave me a baby rather than condemnation, He will see me through” and He has. She Stood Up tonight, walked across the stage, received her diploma, and as she exited, she walked past her precious daughter and gave her a kiss while she rested in her grandma’s arms…. She did not carry secret shame or regret across the stage. She carried victory against the odds, the girl who walked across stage on her very due date carried life across that stage, along with humility, but I bet the load is a whole lot lighter to carry than the secret shame of abortion….
The class of 2008 in that room tonight has such a diverse set of life’s trials. There was a sea of faces with so many stories behind each one….but the face that glowed the most in my eyes was the one of the girl in the front row who “Faced what the world has thrown her way” the one who “didn’t give up when the world told her she would fail” and the one who “Stood for something, the life of her child, rather than falling for something, the lie of abortion”…. Now remember if you are in the same shoes, remember this and hold it dear….
“For every person who tells you that you will fail, there are two others telling you that you CAN make it”…
My doctor’s appointment is Friday, June 13th. I’m planning on keeping my baby and I’ve been trying to find some useful/insightful sites to look at.
I’m getting things together so I can fix up my new place before baby gets here…the countdown is on! I’ve got my papa picking up an air conditioner for me at his place of work for $100… Hopefully, all my purchases can be this cheap! I just have some silly questions I need help with: can you drink caffeinated drinks, or diet drinks while you are pregnant? Does anyone know of any useful website to check out? How to you go to community online chat in here?
If anyone could help me out, it would be much appreciated!! Thank you!
So it’s been a while and I’ve been through a few ups and downs but I’m fighting strong and WE are strong.
And my longing for a baby hasn’t gone away…
Wow, time goes by so fast.
It feels like just yesterday I was terrified staring at a plus sign. Now I have my beautiful baby girl, who’s going to be 5 months old. It’s insane how it went so slow. Now that she’s here, time’s passing way too fast. It doesn’t seem like she’s just 4 months old. It feels like she’s always been here. I don’t remember a time in my life that I was as happy, and grateful as I am, right now, in this very moment. She is my everything, just as any mother would say. She brings such a joy to my life, it’s undescribable. She is 4 months, 1 week, and 2 days old. That means 4 months, 1 week, and 2 days since my life turned upside down and made a complete 180, and also that long since I had a good night’s sleep.
I love my daughter more than anyone in the world. =] I just wanted to share.
My body wouldn’t let my baby survive. How can I let my body survive now?
I was going to give my life to her. Now I have nothing to live for. Now I’m more alone than I have ever been. I miss her. So much. Now, I’m not going to be a mother. I’m not anything and there is no reason for me to stay alive.
She was my last hope of a happy existence.
