Dear me,

I don’t know what to do anymore I have no purpose no reason for living, I’m 17 almost 18 and I’m even more lost than I was when I was in grade 6, even more lost than when I was assaulted. Even more lost that I was the second time I was assaulted… Even more lost than when I ran away for the tenth time, even more hopeless than I was when I woke up from taking 67 pills of ibuprofen.

Why am I here?? I have no reason! I’m seen as selfish, and spoiled, and when I was growing up the only way my mom knew to try to keep me “under control” was by spoiling me. I got an iPod, I got dance lessons, but this all happened after I was torn into pieces, after my sense of dignity and strength was ripped from me! So yeah I cut myself, yeah I spread lies because I didn't understand what I was saying! I didn’t want attention! I wanted someone to reach out and tell me I wasn't alone! I wanted someone to help me, to tell me it’s OK that none of what happened was my fault!

So I started dating, trying to find any place to belong. That’s not how it started of course, at first I just wanted others to feel my pain, so that they understood what I was going through. I fell in love with falling in love and once that feeling was gone so was I.

Then bring on grade 10 I almost had sex with someone just to feel, I knew it was wrong so I stopped myself, though my next boyfriend I couldn’t, I got drunk for the first time I lost control, and I lost myself even more. So I kept it up I kept having sex I became two different people, one was the “normal TJ” I had become, the other me was the one behind the door, the one that could keep going, the inner red head I call her.

She’d only come out when the door was closed, when I felt empty, and with my two boyfriends (the one I lost it to and the one after him) I felt empty a lot, so she came out, a lot.

I had a miscarriage in February and I didn’t tell anyone until now, it still hurts though… Talking to people about it doesn’t help and I’ve been a subject of judgement my entire life…

Here I am now… I might be pregnant, I’m in China, I don’t have a decent job, I’m struggling to finish high school, I’m hoping to go to university, but in reality if I’m not pregnant, if I don’t have a reason to live, what’s the point?

They can see me as selfish all they want, but I’m lost, hopeless, and I feel alone…

Dear future me,

Tell me, did it get easier? Did I have my baby? Was I even pregnant? Or did I finally break after having one straw too many?

Did I give up?

Dear me,

I hope I had my baby… I hope I made a better future for myself and for my baby… I hope my baby makes me a better person.

Talk to you later me,

 

Show me a picture from the future, show it to me in my dreams.

Comments (2)

  1. MB

hey dear,
How are you going? After reading your story, I would just like to say that u r not ALONE> We stand up girls are here for u. Ur life is so precious no matter what the world has to say about it. U r truly valued. I just want u to know...

hey dear,
How are you going? After reading your story, I would just like to say that u r not ALONE> We stand up girls are here for u. Ur life is so precious no matter what the world has to say about it. U r truly valued. I just want u to know that! We sometimes get down about what the world thinks of us, how they see us, etc. but in the end what does it matter how the world values or thinks of us, when God value us so so so much more \ Don't let society's lies trick u into thinking that u mean nothing, that u have no purpose because that is so far from the truth. U r a unique individual. Trust me, your life has so much meaning and so much purpose. Although u might not feel or think that way now, know that God loves u and cares so much for u. So take a stand and choose life!
In my thoughts and prayers,
God Bless,
xoxoxox

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  Comment was last edited about 1 year ago by Dnash76sug Dnash76sug
  1. longdistanceb    MB

Thanks (sorry that it's taken so long to reply) I updated these as important (or things I feel are important) happen, at the moment my third "Dear Me" is being looked over :/ I think is the correct term, but things have gotten both better and...

Thanks (sorry that it's taken so long to reply) I updated these as important (or things I feel are important) happen, at the moment my third "Dear Me" is being looked over :/ I think is the correct term, but things have gotten both better and worse ^.^'

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