Hi,

I recently had an abortion, about a week and a half ago. When i found out i was pregnant, i had so many emotions going through me. i was terrified, scared, and  confused. after a couple weeks of thinking things through, I had decided to choose abortion. I couldnt bare to disappoint my parents because they have given me so much, and have done everything they could to give me the amazing life i have. I found out the day before i turned 20 that i was pregnant. my heart sank when i took 2 pregnancy test. i was so nervous and scared. im blessed that my boyfriend has stuck by my side through everything, and continues to love me and care for me. hes an amazing person, but sometimes i feel like i dont deserve him because i took away the life of our baby. the day after i found out, i told my older sister, who was shocked, but wanted to help me in everyway. when i first told her though, she poured her heart out, and we just sat in her room and cried together. i knew she was disappointed, but scared for me at the same time. im also blessed that my sister and boyfriend have been supportive of every decision, and have stuck by my side, even when I wanted to break down . after my sister took me to the clinic to confirm the pregnancy, I cried again in the car. I knew that it was real now after the lady came and talked to me about options and my due date. I sat in the car afterwards and just cried, harder than I’ve ever cried before. I wanted to love this baby with everything I have, I wanted to give it the life I thought it deserved, but I didn’t want to give it up for adoption, because I couldn’t bare the thought of someone else raising my own child,  or having to give it away the moment I gave birth to him or her. After a few weeks of morning sickness and hiding it from my parents, I had set up an ultrasound with the clinic I went to before. Since my boyfriend and I live 4 hours away, I let him know when the ultrasound was, so that he could be there too. In the few weeks we had together with the baby, we talked about the birth, marriage, names, how we would make it work since we were both still in school. He was always for keeping the baby, while I struggled on whether or not I could do it. The week of the ultrasound, I was even more stressed out, but excited at the same time. I never imagined that I would get pregnant at 20, especially because my boyfriend and I had not been together too long before. The ultrasound was a Friday, and that day my stomach felt like it was turning all over the place. As my boyfriend and I went to the clinic, I knew i was confused, but I didn’t want to scare him. He was so sure he wanted me and the baby both in his life, I was scared to let him know I was confused and scared. As I laid there on the bed, and the gel sat on top of my belly, the lady gave me the ultrasound, and showed us our baby. I wanted to cry right then, she even showed us the heart beat and told us that it was perfectly healthy. I was so scared, but at that moment I loved our baby so much. After we got the pictures, and went back home, we talked about it together. My sister was in our conversation too, and she cried with me. But I felt like no one understood how I felt. I just wanted to go into a dark hole and never come out. As my boyfriend and I sat there, I cried because I knew he wouldn’t be happy with my decision. I couldn’t disappoint my parents, they depended so much on me, and have given me everything I needed in life, how could I do this to them. That day, I decided that I was going to have the abortion. My heart sank. I wanted to love this baby with everything I have, but I was selfish, and scared. About a week and a half later, I walked into the abortion clinic with my sister. After all the morning sickness, I just wanted to get it done and over with. I didn’t want to think about it or feel any pain. I chose to do the pill, and it was a 2 day procedure. The second day the abortion would actually kick in. The second day I had never been through so much pain in my life. I cried so much, and could barely stand the pain. It was so hard to deal with because I haven’t told my parents, so they couldn’t understand why I was so sick. Thankfully my sister was helpful and caring and knew what was going on. After the abortion happened, I thought I would feel relieved, or something else besides sad and depressed. When everything hit me a few days after the abortion, I felt so much pain in my heart. I regret my decision so much, and when I told my boyfriend that I regretted my decision, he felt the same pain as I did, but I don’t believe that he feels the pain I feel. He was always sure that he wanted the baby, while I had contemplated over and over again. Theres not one day where I don’t think about my baby, and the life I could have given it. Theres not one day where I don’t regret my decision. Some days I wake up feeling good, but then there are days where I wake up and all I wanna do it feel my baby again. I would give anything to have my baby back. Some days are harder to deal with than others. I’m so thankful that my boyfriend has been so supportive of me throughout this whole process. He has never given up on us, or doubted us. He’s an amazing man, and I cant believe after what I’ve chose, he still chooses me. I am one lucky girl.

                I’ve been having a hard time dealing with the fact that I was pregnant, and decided on the abortion, because I have loved babies and kids my whole life. I’ve always wanted to be a mother since I could remember. Today I decided to go online and read about abortions and other people’s experiences, and as I read the other girls experiences on this website, some of the stories inspire me so much. They give me reassurance and inspiration to do more with my life, and not give up. There are stories too, that make me sad that I didn’t keep my baby, and jealous that other girls had the guts to tell their parents, girls who did not have the support of a boyfriend or significant other. I give you girls so much credit. If I could take back my decision, I would in a heart beat. The few months that I was pregnant, although they were hard and stressful, I wouldn’t take it away at all. It has made me a stronger person, and although I am still dealing with the grief on a daily basis, reading some of these stories has made my day a little better. Thank you for the inspirational words and stories.

To my baby, I’m sorry I made the decision I did. I hope you know your daddy and I love you so much, and wish we could have given you the world, we think about you everyday. Pls forgive me. Love you always, mama.

 

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