I'm 18 and have been with my boyfriend for now 1 year and as most relationships start, it was AMAZING, but we've had so many problems, he's lied cheated lied lied lied cheated lied...you get the pattern.. and I will admit I haven't always been the best girlfriend..I cheated on him in September but two days later the guilt was eating me up and I told him, I took all the consequences that went with it, only to find out a week later I was pregnant but it was 100% my boyfriends...the last thing he said to me the day I found out I was pregnant was if I kept it he'd be there FOR me but not be WITH me, but if I got rid of it he'd stay by me. So I chose the relationship over our child because he was saying things like I can't sacrifice for him and sh*t like that so I flipped and said I can't sacrifice what do think this abortion is all about?! 

During the abortion ( a medical one) he took me on the Monday and stayed while I took the first pill, the next day while I was half way through this he was meant to see me that night...he however rung me and said get an early night, cos you have a long day tomorrow, and told me his friend was having girlfriend problems this hurt me so bad, but it was his best friend so I said okay, only to find out another friend came along and they just chilled. 

The next day Wednesday, I spent the day in hospital to finish the procedure and he promised he'd bring me magazines chocolates etc, as you weren't allowed to have anyone stay for the privacy of the other 5 girls in ward with me. He didn't, he bought a Nuts magazine which I asked for as a joke and I didn't even get to take it home because he wanted it. During the 6 weeks I was pregnant..he proposed the next night we had an argument because I'd helped one of my best boy friend's catch up on some math so he could pass his engineering exam to get onto the course..( this honest to god was the most innocent thing possible..he was at my house for about an hour and my family was home and with my help he got onto his course) he knew I helped him but then found out he was at my house, which I was sure I told him but I guess now, anyway he started being stupid saying I didnt love him and i just love the idea of a boyfriend, this made me upset because he'd just told me the engagements off I then got up and went in the garden to cool off...he followed me out and we carried on arguing..he said some more horrible things at which point I'd had enough so pushed past him to walk away, just away from him..he pulled me back and I tried again this time he grabbed my shoulders and made me fall on the floor, hitting my head I just lay there in shock, I couldnt believe he'd just done that to me. 

After that I was just plain scared of the boy. The father of the child inside me... That weekend after the abortion we went to a concert together with his cousin his cousins girlfriend and another friend. on the way there he was on BBM (blackberry messeger) to someone with a screen name of PJC..in my gut I knew who this was...his ex ( who he CANNOT stay away from!) and i asked who it was and he said a friend from work called jack bradley..COME ON! pjc and jack bradley i wasnt effing stupid! but I left it and asked the other girl with us to find out the ex's BBM name...it was PJC...this was inside the venue...so I went to the toilet to calm down and came back and he kept asking what was wrong etc..I denied anything at first then got so angry I grabbed him by the head and pulled his head to mine so I could speak in his ear..I simply said..I know..Its her! I know it is! so stop ****ing lying to me! I don't deserve this ****! he was like im sorry im sorry what do you want me to do baby? look i'll delete her..look i've deleted her now..I was like I dont give a ****! the night just went on and i pretended nothing happened because we were in company...when I got home I was on the phone to him and he was crying begging me not to dump him, I being the ****head I am said no I wont finish you blah..blah..blah.. I ask is there anything I need to know he says no. 

Only to find a week or so later his ex texts him and I text back saying JUST STOP TEXTING ME!! she says back what the *****? you weren't like that when you asked me to come round last friday! (that friday was 2 days after my abortion) so I ran upstairs as we were in his cousins house and cried my eyes out and he came up after me and was on his knees wiping away my tears looking me in the eye swearing on my life she was a liar and he would never do that to me..never! 

I again believed this because in my eyes this guy is god's gift! he's my absolute everything, but sadly a week or so later when I was in his bed with him asleep i started texting his ex and she told me the truth..I woke him up and calmly asked him..she came didnt she?...he waited a while and said yes..in the same tone I asked another question...did you ask her to come see you? ( because he's swore on everything possible she just showed up) and he just looked down and said yes...

I got out of bed and just got dressed and asked to be taken home NOW! he started getting upset and crying and hitting things his dad came in and started shouting at him...he said what the hell is all this? and my boyfriend went shes dumping me OK!? he dad looked at me and said are you sure this is whats right to do..I just said back..I've tried..I've tried so hard..I just can't anymore. again after this I got back with him...and since october he's had a new number, and he's calmed down with all this sh*t he does. 

Now theres another problem..I just don't feel wanted..I don't feel loved anymore..after all these months i'm seeking profesional help about my abortion and he's not really to bothered about it...recently we had an argument the night before my 18th...and he was staying at mine because my family was away...I went to bed at 11 so upset and fell asleep crying..I woke up at 1 and was still alone so i rang him and he was downstairs on the sofa...at 4:30 i woke up alone again and went downstairs and he was asleep on the sofa..I haven't felt like such **** in a long long long time...he came up cos i woke him up and said what are you doing? why have you left me alone? so he came up and we got into bed and I said why did you leave me? he was like you made me angry I was proving a point, I said this isnt the first time i've made you angry, you've never not come to bed, you've never left me alone...he said sorry but you just made me angry..then we had make up sex, but it didnt' even mean anything. It wasnt special nothing..just sex...thinking things over at like 5am, I realised what he was basically saying is i deserved to wake up alone on my birthday...this was 4 days ago now, and its only got worse..

i spoke to him 2 nights ago and told him im scared he's just not into me anymore, not attraction..he said if i wasnt i would have told you..I had to actually tell him that what I need is some reassurance! even then he was like I JUST TOLD YOU!!! if i didnt feel attracted to you id ****ing tell you!! ( yelling at me by now ) i spent my whole birthday trying to get him to cuddle me and kiss me and I got jack ****! i got the smallest amount of it ever! I stayed over that night and the next evening went home, before I went home he started kissing me and touching me and got horny so wanted sex, hours before this i was sitting on him hoping to get some spark...we were alone in the house and he said no we cant (usually he'd jump to the chance and we'd rush upstairs) but now just before I had to go we had sex. so we had it when it suited him..not when i was straddling as he developed an erection and then turned me down. 

Yesterday...we never make plans to see eachother..we just see eachother..and I asked last night, so when do I see you? and he said but we havent made plans? I said we never make plans EVER! we just see eachother, and he was like oh sorry, but my mums been nagging me to clean my rooms for weeks so i'm doing that tonight. And i have no petrol money ( which I know is true ) but he kept pushing me off the phone saying he's going to eat, or watch TV with family, or play Xbox....in the end he didn't clean his room..he spent the night playing Xbox..Today I've been texting him really nicely calling him baby  saying im so excited to see you and I just feel like he's forcing himself to act the same way back...I just don't think he loves me anymore...he's been yelling at me a lot recently and we've argued so much! 

Please help..I'm so so drained..even my family are saying, what has happened to you..your miserable! my boyfriend says every relationship goes through problems...but surely this isn't right...please help someone  i'm just so lost and trapped and genuinely think I'm depressed.

 

 

 

 

 

since this we've split and now things are just even more confusing.. :( :)(

 

 

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