Not long ago I found out I was pregnant. This was not a simple or an easy discovery for me whatsoever.
I completely freaked out. I am a worrier by nature but the circumstances behind this made my worrying in my eyes, justified.
I'd been STUPID.... or silly to be kind.
The scene saw me in a topsy turvy 6 yr relationship. My partner having a long term problem with drugs. However, I knew this when I met him. But, some of his behaviour was not particularly great, or angelic to say the least. He stole from me and he lied, alot.
For the first four and a half yrs I was completely faithful which is not an easy task for me I admit. I like guys too much. But that isn't the crime, cheating is.
I cheated a total of 2 snog fumbles and three shags and felt AWFUL.
One of these shags was to hit me with some 'FUN KARMA' ... I was pregnant.
Skip to discovery: -
I was getting period like symptoms BUT no period. I started to suspect but pushed it to the back of my mind (as much as worrier me can). I googled possible reasons and got the conclusion that I might have been exercising on my trampete so vigourously that this was the reason behind the lateness. FEEL FREE to laugh.
Then I started seeing little strange things everywhere. Ads about baby this, that and everything, abortion topics on the TV (Eastenders), protesters (Pro-life) and pregnancy test ads in mags. I know what people say about this type of thing, but, I truly was not seeking out these things because I really believed I was OK. These things got too much, accompanied by the cramping I was getting that felt slightly different than period style cramps. Because of these 'signs' that I listened to cos they punched me in the gut I looked up termination clinics on the net.
I took the plunge and when doing my regular shop picked up a pack of 2 tests. After a glare from the cashier I got home, dumped the shopping, shut the door on my boyfriend and dug into my bag and pulled out the tests.
Taking one I was still convincing myself it would be neg. I'd had an encounter before so was familiar with the process, this being when I was an arrogant teen.
It showed positive. My heart sank and I don't know how I stayed standing. The second I took, knowing rightly I was SCREWED.
I stuffed them back in my bag and walked into the hallway. I grabbed by electric card and said I had to get electricll of a sudden?!? I walked out and straight to an alley where I made a phone call straight away to a clinic. The clinic I found easily in my internet scan. I'm not a patient person normally and when it's a search about something terrible that could be happening or may not be happening i'm even less patient, as I'm sure you'd understand.
On that call, I made my appointment. Next I called by best friend and confidente. I needed to travel for this. So, next I rang my father and told him I was planning to visit her. Luckily, he likes her loads and offered to help with the flight costs. Phoning back the friend to confirm she pointed out that I had it al scammed and planned in under 2hrs.
This was all expensive and in Ireland illegal.
I then made the decision to tell my sister. They helped me straight away and told me that they thought I had made the right decision. I knew I had. I was completely sure. My friend spoke to me when I wasn't screaming and gulping tears like I don't know what in a local church behind a bush (when I was supposed to be topping up on electric). But, they weren't the right ones for me.
So, I had a week to wait until I could go for the operation. This was simply HELL. I spent most of the time at my sisters. I sat by the heater shaking back and forth and talking out load to myself to try and ease the panic. I felt it was my only hope, life line. I stated to panic that something would go wrong. I wouldn't get there, I would micarry and be rushed to hospital for everyone to know. I could hardly look at myself and wouldn't touch my stomach. Showers were really difficult, I felt invaded and a complete loss of control.
I started to look up famous people who had had this op. It helped me normalise my situation. But, I had to wade my way through lots of negative, unhelpful stuff before I got anything that slightly helped. Stevie Nicks stories, Kathleen Hanna's, Courtney Love, Sinead O'Connor, Whoppi Goldberg, Janis Joplin even f.in Nancy Spungen info. helped me through a few dark panic hours. An interview with Babes In Toyland and L7 that I re-read also gave me some strength.
I also worked like crazy that week, working at gigs. This helped to take my mind of it and I'm grateful I had that work at that time even tho I was holding back the sickness and guzzling down ginger ale like it was beer.
My dad drove me to the airport. I went over frightened stiff of what the 'procedure' entailed. My friend got an aquaitance of hers to come and speak with me. It didn't help.
It was confirmed it would hurt. But, in the end what happened to me was slightly different.
For example, it didn't just feel like a smear..!!
It was something that needed to be done, but it wasn't easy. I was trying to figure out the right bloody tubes on the underground and I was scared.
I had the constant support of my friend, my sis and a colleague at her work who she told to ask advice about symptoms I was experiencing when pregnant (morning sickness, hot and cold flushes, cramps in my feet). I thank them so much.
Today, everything isn't easy running. I am suffering depression and anxiety. My doctor is aware of this and also the recent operation. I have suffered this disease for many years but this is it at it's worst.
I got angry at myself for letting a guy use me in such a way.
I turned to self harming in a way I could then relate to.
Prostitution or sex working, whatever you would like to call it.
I did this for a very short period. I stayed protected, because I was terrified of falling pregnant.
Today, I concentrate more on the things I could have caught. I know the girls that do it and the majority are heroin users.
But that has stopped. I must have felt I needed to use the men back or something of that kind. I was sort of throwing my hands up and saying, 'if you want to use me then i'll use you too. We'll play it like that'.
Thankfully, I came to my health senses.
I'm getting on with my career which is (fingers crossed) going from strength to strength.
I have learned my lesson.
I remember a girl cheerfully and I mean cheerfully coming into the abortion clinic and saying she needed to be seen straight away because she was on a lunch break and that last time she didn't have to wait as long. She came out smiling stating, "that was quicker than before". Meanwhile I was rocking back and forth in my seat wanting to crawl down onto the floor and not move or get up! I said to my friend, " If I ever say something like that please shoot me".
This for me is something that can rectify a mistake but I chose to learn from it. I would never want to go through that again.
I am still with my boyfriend but no-one else knows of this.
I don't know if I will be able to continue the relationship under these circumstances.
My friend supports the decision to stay quiet as do the others. They feel it would simply cause hurt, anger and confusion. I don't know but I wish to put it behind me.
Two days after the termination before I returned home I walked into a lovely church yard in London and said a prayer for the dead child that was half of me. I put them to rest.
I have felt loss but I know I made the decision right for me and I believe the lost child.
Please write me if you would like to ask any questions. If I can help I will.