i cna't beleive that i'm still up. i can't seem to get tired but hey i can sleep most of later today if i need to. just trying to deal with so much so far as school, and relationships. it seems that over these past 4 months or so i have forgotten an importnat factor in the whole ordeal. I been so busy trying to deal with everything that i haven't stopped and just talked to God. You know at the begining of everything i was so angry with God. I mean who did he think he was messing with my life like this? I just wanted to deny his exsitince and banish him from my life. i was just so angry at Him but then over the past week or so i had to face up that i was blaming the wrong person. i made the choices that lead to my pregnancy not God. But he is there for me to depend on. Sometimes it seems that leaning on him just isn't enough. I mean yes he can pull me through anything i just don't always agree with is tactics, but whose to say that God is doing ths to me. My isolation, boredom, and depression are once again my fault. who's stoppingme from leaving the house other than me? Who's making me watch tv all day? who's really doing anything to me other than myself? you know it's so easy to blame God for your mishaps and run away from your problems. Well considering pregnanacy isn't that easy, well I need to pray. in order to do that i need to forgive myself. Why didn't someone tell me that growing up would be so hard? I want to be 5 again and cling to my mommy whenever something doesn't go my way. I just don't know what to do anymore, turning to God is my only option.
- Written by niyniy09