*Friday Feb 26th 2010*
I try to be happy when he doesnt call or text me. I need to be able to move on but it's so hard. I'm having his child in a few months...but it's not only that...I love him. It would be so much easier if I didnt have those feelings toward him...but I do. Sometimes I cry so hard that I cant breathe and I think that at any moment God can just take me out of this world. I'm heart broken and i'm not sure if I can go on or how im gonna be able to go on...but then I feel him...he's moving around like crazy n kicking me pretty hard...but what he's really doing is giving me a reason to go on...a reason to be okay. He is the reason why it's going to turn out amazing :) He is my reason for making a better life for myself...for us....I have my hand on my tummy n let out a deep sobbing sigh. I realize God has a plan for me and my son. It's not the same one I had for myself earlier but im finding that He has a greater one for me. I think that saying is off some movie n if it is then that movie is oh so true.
I'm listening to one of our songs right now. I should probably stop because all it's doing is flooding my eyes with tears and my mind with memories of what was, what could have been and what I so terribly wanted it to be. But I cant stop. I need to scream adn curse his name. I need to cry...and I need to remember that it's for the best even though it hurts like hell. I'll get over it someday and my son will realize that this is the way it had to be. It's not the way mommy wanted it but its the best way for the both of us in the end.
......I tried so hard baby......mommy's no quitter but she knows when the game's over......