Im writing this for my own closure.I found this site before I aborted my baby. i read a couple of things on here, but i didnt want to read a lot. i knew what i had to do and it was to get rid of this baby in my stomach. i was in denial for so long, i didnt want to believe i was pregnant, i always had this small feeling in my head that hell i could never get pregnant. my boyfriend and i have been dating for almost a year, we never had protected sex. i was on birth control for a couple of months but stopped for a really dumb reason. i never had a ride to go up to plan parenthood to refill my BC. my last period was november 6th, when december came rolling around and i still had no period, i started to go out of control. i thought maybe the more pills i ate, the more alcohol i consumed the less likely i would be pregnant. i was immature. i dont know why i thought i could just kill something that was meant to be growing inside me. my boyfriend and i both knew i was pregnant. we talked about it sometimes,  but it was never a major concern. until the beginning of january. i stopped drinking december 30th, i started to feel love for this child. i started eating healthy, stopped smoking. i was constantly researching about FAS, it was constantly crossing my mind what a beautiful baby we could of had. but i messed up. i poisoned the most precious thing ever given to me. [i did not believe in god until this baby started affecting me] the first 3 months of being pregnant are the most important, and those were the months i did the most damage. i did drugs, i drank. i didnt eat barely enough to support my own body let alone a growing baby. i started staying in my house, hating myself more and more everyday. i've always self injured, but it started to spiral out of control. i would hurt my self. i wanted to keep this baby, but it wouldnt of been healthy. i know if i would of stepped up and took responsibility for this child, my boyfriend and i would be happily planning for our baby to come into this world.

now all i do is write notes to my little baby, i believe she was a girl. you know, motherly instinct. i pray for her night after night, i cry everyday wishing that a healthy baby was still in my belly. when i do have kids, i wish they would be half as wonderful as my little girl would of been.

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