I keep thinking that every new year will bring something better, that for some reason everything will change and magically things will go the way that I want then to... it never does. I don't know if I can go on like this much longer. It's like I'm going around in circles and don't learn from what goes wrong. I'm busy making mistakes that could cost me everything and I see myself doing it, but I can't stop myself. I'm putting so much pressure on myself, trying to be the perfect housewife, perfect girlfriend, perfect lover, perfect employee, perfect student, perfect daughter.... I'm so stressed and highly strung. I'm smoking almost 40 ciggies a day, drinking again... I'm blazing up the occasional joint which I haven't done since high school, it's all that keeps me sane these days. I feel ready to implode from all the pressure.

I'm busy destroying myself over something that I can't change. I'm physically and emotionally mutilating myself, trying to make everything work and I can't do this alone.

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