Hey, so first blog... i think i will tell you about my day.. later i wil explain my story and it will all come together. But the last few days have been tough and i need to let it out.

My boyfriend kieth, hes amazing.. were amazing toegther. we just go together we dont fight we get along and we just undertsand to put it simply. At the moment we are... still in time i dont feel were

going anywhere... just stuck here, heres not a horrible place to be, as a matter of fact its not bad at all but i feel like were not moving just watching everything, life, people, everything going by us. I love him i honestly do but nothing is like my first love.

 

But to the point of the story... today my older brother and his wife whom i look up to and adore so much invited kieth and i for dinner. Of course i said yes and told my boyfriend right away, he agreed. All day i looked forward to it. When i pickd him up from work i told him my brother also asked if we could watch his daughter for a few hours after dinner so he could play his soccer game. My boyfriend replied with than im not coming. i dont blame him for not liking crying kids but i wish he could just do something like this for me, something small liek spending a few hours with some of the most important people in my life my family. So after negotiating i asked if he would come for dinner than go out with friends after, i still got no as an awsner. Now its fine he doesnt want to come but i felt so bad lieing to my brother that he had to work late as they were looking so forward to having us over. and i was to, just to hangout as 2 couples, finnaly as an adult and not just a little sister.  I spend days with keiths family, although they get on my nerves i am still my loving upbeat self and they adore me. My family is nothing but same and more towards him he is invited for dinner and treated like one of us he is truely apart of me, which makes my family love him even more. my family is my life they compleate me and one day i will write more about them, about every single one of them... but back to the story/my life

Now, the otherside of the story... Last night i talked to my ex (as friends of course i would never in my life go behind kieths back) you'll here more about him in another post but we had a moment, i found a box from our baby while moving it had a little jacket some books, some paper work and one special book "i'll love you forever". This made me cry, its been so long that i've cried, everyday is hard but i try so hard to keep myslef positive, tell myslef im going to sort my life out make money and whatnot before i plan out a family. I am so desprete though i want a family i want my baby i want everything else back. My ex our life. Anyways trying to get back on track i read this book over and over and over the words so so so true to me "ill love you forever, I'll like you for always, As long as im living my baby you'll be". So today when arguing with keith he said he is not a baby person, he hates crying kids. This is when i had to hangup and pull over, before i knew it i was sobbing, everything i've ever wanted in my life ive grown up dreaming of being a mother, having a beautiful family and here i have been with this man, doing everything in my will power to be the best i can be for him, do the best i can do for him and he doesnt even want or understand me and my dreams, it was like he had suddenly forgot my past(which you will hear more about later). It broke my heart and it got me questioning - maybe this is my sign my sign from god... maybe i am not supposed to be with him, maybe this is my turn around signal, or maybe this is my chance to show someone else how there is truely something better out there, change someones life for the better put it into motion again(see previous statement)

 

anyways those are my feelings for now... i know scattered i've never done this before but it does feel good to get it out. to write it down.. even if no one reads this(maybe for the better) its there its real its not all in my head its on paper... or the net for now.

 

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