I am 24 years old and just recently found out that I am pregnant. I have a 14 month old son and absolutely love being a mother, but right now with my life it is not the right time to have another baby. My boyfriend and I met when I was 2 months pregnant with my son and he stuck by my side the whole pregnancy and since my son was born and in March 09 I decided to uproute my son and I am move 1500 miles away from my home in PA to start our lives with my boyfriend. My boyfriend treat my son like his own and his actual father is not in his life or has ever been in his life. Just recently we found out that my boyfriend is getting deployed and my son and I are moving back home for support and family, while he is gone. I am not ready to go through another pregnancy alone and raise another child on my own. I just can't do it. I had the strength to raise my son, but my life is so much different at that time. I recently lost my job of 2 years and making amazing money and now I am collecting unemployment and no child support to help raise my son. As much as there are so many other options out there, the only option we have is.....Abortion......

Everyday I ask him, if this is what he wants and everyday I constantly question myself if this is what I want and at the end of the day, it is. Against everything I believe, this is the decision we have come to, but it is killing me slowly inside. I loved being pregnant with my son and since I found out I was pregnant, I have been avoiding all of those happy feelings inside and distancing myself from feeling my belly and being happy that there is a baby inside of me. I made the appointment for 2 weeks from now and since I made the appointment i have felt a huge relief lifted off my chest....but in my heart I think about the day I walk into that clinic and lay on that table and see my baby on that screen and walk out of that building with a complete new handle on my life. I feel like such a horrible person for even thinking like this and making the decision I have made, but physically, emotionally and financially, it is just impossible for me to bring a new baby into this world. My relationship doesn't seem to me as the healthiest of relationships, but I love our life together and we may have our ups and downs, but at the end of the day we make each other happy and he is absolutely great with my son. My biggest fears are about to be answered once this procedure is performed. Will I ever be able to have kids again or even want to have kids again? Will my relationship work or will be always hold this against each other? Will I be able to still be a good mother to my son? Will I be able to forgive myself for doing this? Will I turn to alcohol to relieve my pain? What will my life be like after this?

Everything I do circles around this decision I am making and the only person I can look to is God and hope that he will forgive me and help me through my life, like he has anytime I have ever needed his guidence. I don't expect anyone to agree with my decision, but I know people can relate to it and putting it out there is better than leaving it all piled up to weigh me down and turn into someone I am not. I am doing it to be a better mother to my son and to be able to give him what he needs and being able to support him is my goal. I don't want to not be able to give him things because of another baby and not having the money and right now that is what will happen.

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