It's been 4 years since my abortion. Baby was due this month, but unfortunately that didn't happen. I cant even remember thinking about the consequences of such a cowardly decision. I not only stole a life of a child, i stole the play mate from my little boy... I still feel so guilty when i look into those blue eyes, as if he knows what his mommy has done, his such an understanding child, such a joy. & now the fear arises that what if my next child is born brain damaged, what if my punishment is to be unable to conceive. I have reached a point where im so terrified of falling pregnant again, im addicted to the morning after pill! i take it like 4 times a month, even though im on the pill. I have my period twice a month, i think i have completely messed myself up. Nasty to know what a guilty concious does....
i remember wondering if my unborn baby was a little girl... sitting there with all these young girls around me, no one looking at anyone, like we don't know y the next person is there, do they have this guilt? They say God always provides for his children... and knowing this, i still killed the innocent baby! I remember looking at that scanner and thinking "I cant do this" but i was told it's too late...
I remember bleeding like a pouring tap! I remember feeling the worst cramps & convincing myself that it's over! little did i know that the pain i felt then would be nothing compared to the guilt i would feel for the rest of my life!
People always tell me how much they admire me, being a single mother, wondering how i cope...little do they know im a murderer too! wonder how that would change there opinion of me!!!!
Amazing how people say "Ur baby & God have forgiven u" is it not a concern to think that God would forgive a rapist to! a cold blooded murderer who deprived a family of their loved one! Kinda makes me angry to think that God should forgive those type of people! But i am that type of person, so is it not a hypocrisy to wanna be forgiven, but to be unable to forgive???
Im so angry! Im so terrified, im so disgusted! I look in the mirror and feel sick to my stomach knowing that i am the face of a killer!!!!!!
I hate myself for what i have done!!!!