When I was younger and thought I had found the man of my dreams, I fell pregnant. The hardest decision I had made up to then was 'What shoes will look good with this dress?', I found myself making the hardest decision any teenager could of made. I spent weeks convincing myself it was all going to be fine. I moved in with my boyfriend and then later told my mum. I saw the fear and dissapointment in her eyes and it still hurts today to think how I made her feel.

We talked, and I realised that I was pressured by my partner, society, the media that I had to have this child. I felt like I still was a child. In reality how the hell would I cope?? Panick set in once I understood exactly what was expected of me.

I decided in the end to have an abortion, it was indeed heartbreaking to know what people would say about me. selfish, heartless, murderer.

After a while almost a year later myself and partner stopped communicating and our relationship had turned violent from both sides. I cannot say it was all him, I usually instigated it and I was left with bruises from self defence.

I spent the rest of the year purposely destroying EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. I felt people should feel my pain before they judged me. I was extreamly violent and gradually became a borderline alcoholic. every day after work I would head to the nearest bar and drink, socially, privately. It didnt matter, I actually enjoyed myself feeling free, a rebbel! Councellers have tried to say I was not enjoying myself but unfortunately I realy did, and have made some excellent, very supportive friends from that period of my life. I actually met my current partner from then.

I continued my journey and after another failed 8month relationship tat began to irratate me half way through, I decided I would have fun again. I would tone it down but do what made me happy. Actually live life! And so I did and fell in love with my current partner of three years

We have had a very enjoyable time so far, although we had issues at the beggining and have the occational argument now we both can compraise and co-operate after a heated row. We spend alot of time doing fun things such as aquariums, zoo's, theme parks, seeing films.

Then around 4 weeks ago I dicovered I was pregnant. I informed him and he at first was shocked, as most people were including me! This is when the arguments became more frequent. We argued until he realised that a termination was not an option. I wasnt mentally and emotionally able to go through with one. He spent a few more days to think. I at first worried and then thought 'Like hell I'm going to let you dictate me and my childs life!' He made it clear throughout that he would not abandon his child.

He came to realise that it wasnt such a scary thing and he wanted to be involved in everthing including the pregnancy. He now puts up with the mood swings and moaning about my sickness!

We are both aware and weary of my long term deppression. I cannot take medication as it is nit reccommended in pregnancy. I am currently looking for tips to ensure I keep calm. which is easier said than done but I'll do it. I'm not religious and so dont speak to God for guidance. I speak to real people like yourselfs. People who have coped and are strong characters. Not those who sit complaining and whining all day. Not those who refuse to help themselves, and not those who blame anyone for their own mistakes.

If we didnt have bad luck we'd have no luck!

There are many many people who can help others by sharing their stories. to some (including me) I have wasted my time telling the world my story. But if it helps just one person understand their own worries or doubts I'm happy!

I hope you all share your stories, the 10 minuets you spend could change some ones life!

 

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