To be very honest, I cannot believe I am writing this. However, I need to share my story with someone because I constantly feel like I am hiding who I am. I feel like I need to be with people who know how I feel and I guess this site is the only thing I have found that seems good enough. So here is my story. I really hope it helps someone in some way and might make someone's decision a little bit easier.
I was always very good in school and had been accepted into the college of my dreams; everything was looking up for me. Then we went home for Christmas of 2008 and I was raped by my cousin who I trusted very much. I could not believe what had happened and deleted it from my mind. When I missed my period I knew I was pregnant but would not admit it to myself. This couldn't be happening to me! I was raised in a highly Christian home, I had a wonderful boyfriend, and my life was about to turn inside out because of something that was not even my choice. I didn't have any morning sickness and was barely gaining any weight so it wasn't hard to pretend everything was okay. However, by the time I reached almost 6months I realized I was going to have to have this baby and that I could no longer hide the truth from my parents. Of course I had thought of abortion but it just was not something I could bring myself to do. So I broke the news to my parents; I have never seen them so angry and dissapointed in my entire life. I did not tell them the truth around the conception for at least another week because I guess I was too scared to admit to myself what happened. I did not want to admit how week I had been. There was so much I could have done to prevent what happened but I didn't do them.
I was turning 18 in July and was in my senior year of high school. Going to school pregnant was not what I would call great... far from it. But with the help of my amazing friends I had made it. After graduating I decided to spend the last two months of my pregnancy in a Christian maturnity home. I hoped while I was there I would be able to make a decision. I had no idea if I wanted to raise my baby or place him in adoption. It was definitely the hardest choice I would ever have to make. While at the home they taught us all about raising a child and about the pros and cons of adoption. After a month I decided to start looking at adoptive couple profiles. The first two days I did not find anyone I wanted to raise my child. So that night I prayed to God to show me the way. I prayed that if He wanted me to choose adoption then tommorrow there would be a couple with the following qualities:
1. In their early to mid 30's
2. Have at least one other child
3. Stay at home mom
4.Have a dog
Now the first three were needs, the dog was just a want. The next day they had one profile for me to look at and they had all 4 things I had asked God for.... including the stupid dog! I knew in that moment God had just confirmed to me that adoption was the way. I began to talk to the couple every week and get to know them. They were so very excited to have a son and their little daughter was exstatic to be getting a little brother. I was so prepared for the adoption but I had no idea how hard it was really doing to be.
My mom came to visit me on Labor Day weekend. I gave birth to my son on August 31, 2008. I have never been so happy in my entire life than when I held him in my hands for the first time. His eyes were wide open and he just looked up at me and grabbed my finger. I was able to spend two days with him and on Tues. the lawyer came and brought me the papers to sign. My mom kept telling me I didn't have to do it, that we could raise him and everything would work out. She didn't want to lose him any more than I did. I wanted to keep him with me so badly but I knew that placing him in adoption was what was best for him. I was willing to sacrifice my happiness for his. When the lawyer read the paper to me I just cried and cried. A little bit after signing it the adoptive couple came to my room and saw Michael for the first time. The love in their eyes was priceless. We talked for a bit and then I watched as they walked out of the room with my little boy. The feeling I had in that moment is indescribable... it was like someone had just ripped my heart out.
I receive letters and pictures from my sons adoptive parents once a month. He is such a beautiful little boy! I think of him daily and am still trying to find a way to deal with living without him. Trying to get to a level of acceptance; to be able to share him with others. No one where I live knows anything about my pregnancy. I guess I am scared of what people will think of me and of them asking me three million questions. I hate crying in front of people and I know I would if I was to tell them. I dunno, I guess there's just a part of me that is ashamed of having been pregnant even though it was not my fault.
Well, I just needed to get that off my chest. I wanted to tell the world in some way that I have a son named Michael David born on August 31,2008 and I love him with all my heart. If there is anyone reading this who would like to talk or anything please feel free to ask any questions you may have.
Thanks for listening.