When I was 16 I had sex for the first time. I was totally in love with my boyfriend, so much so I probably would have taken a bullet for him. I really believed we were meant to be.

Well, about I'd  say a week after we had sex, I started noticing myself changing, EARLY, Super early preganancy syptoms, I tried to ignore them, thinking I was just worried over nothing. But I missed my period, I knew I was pregnant, I didn't wanna believe it. About 3 weeks later, I took at test, I never what the answer was gonna be before I even took the test, So I went ahead and set up a doctors appoinment too.

After I took my at home test, I called my boyfriend, who was getting distant from me and I knew he was about to leave me anyway, but I had to tell him he was going to be a father whether I could handle his reaction or not.  And of course, He bolted. He gave me a million reasons why he didn't wanna be a father and didn't want anything more to do with me.

I balled my eyes out for what seemed like days and days. I loved this little baby I knew absolutley nothing about, other than it was going to ruin my life. But I couldn't abort it like my ex had wanted...there was no way. I loved it too much already, and it was the only thing I had left of the love of my life, It seemed to mean so much more then.

After dealing with the stress of having my parents know and the morning, noon, and midnight sickness that refused to go away, I was a mess.

A few days before I was supposed to go to the doctor, I had a miscarrige. I didn't know what to think. I was totally devistated. I felt like a part of me had just been ripped away. Everybody thought that I should have been relieved but I wasn't. I felt so lost.

After a while, I thought I was over it, It had been a few years and I was 19. One day while sitting at a red light, talking to my mom in the car I broke down crying. I couldn't help it. I didn't even know what had made me think about it. But I still think about it everyday. My mom explained to me that I would just make me a stronger, more understanding person, and it has. And that it was not my fault like I thought it was. For years I wondered what it was I did wrong. She explained to me that maybe God had other plans for me. My mom has been my rock through all of this. I'd never have made it without her.

Still, I love this little baby I'll never know. And I hope it knows that wherever it is. I know I wasn't too far along, almost 9 or 10 weeks, but it still hurts. Just I have decided to use this lil one who's out there watching over me ( I hope) to be my inspiration to do better for myself. To just be the best person I can. I'm about to turn 21 soon, and it still gets to me. I know all things heal with time and nobody can tell you how long it will take you to "recover" from something like this.

The babys father's cousin and I have been really good friends for years and he explained to the babys father exactly what I was going though and had been put through. Since then, The father and I have become friends again, only he knows some things just can't be forgiven right now.

The point of my LONG story was, this can be one of the most emotionally painful thing anyone can ever go through. The loss of a child, born or not, is horrible. And sometimes you need alot of support to work your way through it.

So I am here for anybody who needs somebody to talk to. Whether you were only 2 weeks along or 14, I get what you're going through.

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