It is day five after my second abortion, 10 years after the first and my life has been completely ruined and I have only myself to blame.
At the age of 11 I lost my virginity to rape, after that I spiralled for many years, I let go of all my morals, lost myself to drug binges, addictions and numerous sexual encounters with complete strangers which left me feeling worse afterwards. p>
I felt no-one could possibily ever love me and yet thats what I craved , I felt sex was the closest I'd ever get to being loved and wanted to block the images of him on top of me, holding me down, leering at me, hitting me when I said no, the smell of sweat, alcohol, blood and urine all around me. The site of blood between my legs still makes me feel sick to my stomach and dirty. But It never worked, no matter who, how, when, where ...each time I felt worse and yet I couldn't stop.
At 17 I fell pregnant, I had always been against abortion, but I had no choice, Mum was unemployed and I was still studying hairdressing.
I can't even describe how horrible it was, not because of where I went , the staff there were wonderful, but here I was again, having something forced up there, the pain was excrusiating, the smell of blood and urine again and then that awful awful sucking, pulling out the little life that was inside me, I felt like it was sucking out the last bit of human out of my body.
I don't remember much in detail of my years after that untill about 21, I know I was out of control, to my group of friends I was one person the confident funny girl, that was always ready to listen and laughed off any sexual advances, but then there was this other side of me, I'd go out either alone or with this other promiscuos girl I knew, I'd drink I'd flirt I'd dress and act like a total slut, sometimes ending up having meaningless sex with yet another faceless person, each time feeling dirty and used afterwards, I hated men, I blamed them for using me and yet all along, I was using myself to punish myself for what had happened to me and everything I had done since then, every bad decision I punished myself over and over again for. If I couldn't go out I'd cut myself, arms legs, anywhere, when I saw the blood seeping from my skin, dropping into the bath , making pretty patterns in the water, I'd feel relief, I am still human and I can still feel pain.
Drugs became my best friend, the only way I could feel that elusive emotion called happiness was when I had some narcotic in my bloodstream, but the coming down almost killing me everytime, reality rushing in around me, like a sea of sorrow, misery and evil closing in on me, suffocating me
At 21, after having my whole family except mum wash their hands of me, I moved to a small backwater one donkey town to stay with another recovering addict and his family. Together we faced the cravings for hard core drugs by smoking ourself into oblivion with marijuana.
In the house that we stayed there was a 17 year old guy that I spent hours talking to, about everything that had happened to me, he in turn told me his sad story. He'd lost his mother as a baby and although I loved his stepmother, he'd never really recovered. He was quiet and brooding and deep. I found myself worrying he might end up drugging away his life too...and somewhere deep inside this thought came...maybe I could save him
What a stupid stupid thing to think
But we got together, for him I was mother, friend and lover, for me he was child, friend and sex.
We clung onto this twisted relationship for 4 years both of us miserable, both of us smoking weed to cover up the reality. We emotionally abused each other everyday, saying things especially to hurt like we hurt. We'd break up then get back together repeatedly because we felt we needed eachother, two damaged individuals clinging to each other while we inflicted more damage.
Eventually I managed to pull away completely, moved back in with my mother and started a new life, no drugs, except occasionally with friends, the same for alcohol. I enjoyed my job, loved my friends and was doing well, but during my time with the ex I'd accumulated a lot of dept paying bills we couldn't afford when he quit job after job and my salary couldn't keep up.
This is sort of how I came into my next relationship. I'd been chatting via email to this guy working on an oil rig, he was my pen pal, telling me about the places they sailed to, filling my mind with images of countries I'd never see. He'd just broken up with his fiaance and in our loneliness we started to believe our fondness for eachother might be more. He told me he was looking for a wife to take of his house in his home country and bear him children, I was looking for stabilty, financially and emotionally. He was offering a place to stay for me and mum, then she could retire and not have to work till she died. I thought it could work, maybe over time we'd learn to love eachother and until then he was barely there anyway so why not.
I went to visit his country loved it, loved his friends and thought I could easily live there, I told him this but made it clear to him that I still had doubt about marraige , I wanted to date him for at least a year and be engaged at least a year before I could even consider marrying him and raising children with him. Good thing I did as for new years that year I went with some friends to visit him ...and everything went pear shaped. I had a severy accident the second day there, fooling around on a quad bike out in the desert where we were camping for new years. I fractured my back in 3 places, cracked and rib, had a slipped disc and pinched nerve (although I only found all this out later) all I knew then was I was in extreme pain, but he showed no concern whatsoever, even when my stomach swelled up to 3 times its size and everyone else was worried I had enternal bleeding of some sort...he still just wanted to party. And I started thinking...do I really want to raise children with this man, what would happen if something went wrong during pregnancy and i had to be rushed to hospital...even if he was home I couldn't be sure he'd actually care. Then later on in the holiday after going to the hospital eventually after his friend blew up at him, after getting medications all that, I was feeling ok and just making the most of my holiday with my friends. We went to a braai and he spent the night making passes at my bestfriend...and she reciprocated!!!!!!!! I'd never felt so betrayed, even though I already had doubt about the relationship I had not yet voiced these to him so how could he do that? so openly? in front of me? to my bestfriend? I was more hurt emotionally by her betrayal, we'de been friends for years, how could she make a play for the guy i was dating, it was unheard of!
My last night there I confronted him, he was to cowardly even then to come clean and break up with me, but rather waited till i was on the plane home to break up with me via email...which i only got when i got home.
I was not broken hearted just angry. I got over him pretty quickly and threw myself into my new career during the week and partying it up with friends on the weekends, never flirting with anyone, all i wanted to do was dance, it made me happy, it relaxed me even without drugs. I wasn't interested in any sort of relationship, was just starting to like who I was and I was thoroughly enjoying life...when along came the man of my dreams.
Everything I'd ever hoped for, dreamed about, wanted in a man. Sexy, funny, full of life, sensitive, romantic, clever. We could talk for hours about anything and everything. And even though I rushed everything with my usual bull in a china shop grace, sleeping with him on the first night, still acting sluttish because I honestly didn't know how else to act with a man, he still stuck around, he still fell in love with me, he showed me that sex was not just someway to try feel loved, some physical thing to fill the emptyness. He showed me how to make love, and made me feel beautiful inside and out. Everything we did together was so special to me, so far away from my past, that I actually started to forget about it, started to blossom under his constant love, started to feel like a human again, not just that, A WOMAN, a woman worthy of love.
So when he first asked about my past I was so thrown off balance that I lied, and when he found out, I lied some more, and the more I lied, the worse I felt but now I was so terrified by his reaction to what I'd already told him, when I told him the truth, about the rape, about all the guys I'd slept with although I did reduce the amount. I would do anything not to loose him, even lie which I hated.
So we patched things up slowly and began finally coming right, he'd moved in and he was just coming to terms with my past,....when I fell pregnant
From the first week of pregnancy things changed, even though I didn't know I was pregnant, I started acting different towards him, pulling away, pushing him away, not trying in our relationship, putting on weight, looking awful always too tired to make the effort for him, even though he was still going out of his way for me.
When I eventually found out I was pregnant, we discussed it and made the decision together, abortion. He had children from his marraige and times had been hard this year, on my side i felt there was no way my back, which still hadn't healed fully, still gave me pain constantly, could handle pregnancy.
This time as it was still early days, I decided on the medical one, where you take the pill and it all happens privatly at home, I read all the information, so did he, which i was so surprised and grateful for. He wasn't there on the night though, he was working and I just had mum with me. Nothing went wrong then but I felt so alone, I wanted him there holding me...even when he got home...drunk...told me about his day...asked me quickly how I was then rolled over with his back to me and passed out. I could have screamed with the pain and loneliness then, but something inside me told me to keep it to myself, be strong, you can do this by yourself.
And so I went through the pain, and heavy bleeding, most of which happened the next day at work, but I never told him how I felt, how I wanted him to hold me and tell me it would be ok, and he...not knowing how to react around me, not knowing what to say to me, he kept quiet too, And being a woman, I took this completely the wrong way, I felt him pulling further away when i needed him most...but i still didn't say anything...just sunk deeper into depression. At my next check up I was told the the home abortion and not worked completely and that I would still have to go through the surgical procedure..then and there.
It was absolute agony, the pain was worse then I remembered and everything reminded me of the last time, all of a sudden I was that 17 year old girl again, that had no control of her life and just wanted sex all the time to make her feel good about herself somehow
That night he brought me flowers and chocolates, cooked dinner, did washing....all these wonderful things for me...but he didn't talk, didn't ask me how it went...kept his distance...could barely even touch me. I know know that he was just as confused as I was and terrified of touching me for fear he'd hurt me more and had no idea what to say to me to make it better. But stupid stupid me with my stupid emotions, I took it all the wrong way, I sunk into a depression deeper then I'd ever been, I was that confused teenager all over again, unloved unlovable dirty a slut only good enough for sex not love. The next day some random stranger on facebook tried to chat me up, and although I stated addamently I was head of heels for my boyfriend and would never ever cheat on him...i still carried on talking to him, gave him my personal email, told him things about myself I would never have told anyone in a normal state of mind, describing past lovers that I hadn't though about in ages, describing myself sexually, I was behaving like the slut I was then and not the women I am now and all the time the real me was in the back saying what are you doing? but i couldn't stop, the 17 year old was on the war path, a suicide mission to destroy myself. I still never agreed to meet this guy, and had no intention to ever meet him, there was enough of the real me there to know that, but the past me just kept on chatting even when he said if you dont want to fuck me then dont reply to this mail i still replied, still never agreeing to meeting but stringing this guy along anyway. In one way he represented my boyfriend when we first met, and I told the asshole everything I wished I'd told my boyfriend from the begining, the whole truth, no suger-coating lies, and in another way he represented all those other guys starting with the first...after one thing and i wanted to try and hurt him in someway, string him along then crush him at end when I tell him I was never interested in anything he had to offer. Near the end of our email conversations I was already getting more in control of myself and had already decided that that day was the last day I'd chat to this guy and in the morning I'd ignore him completely like I should have done from the first mail. Little did I know the damage was already done, that my hormonal freak out Schizophrenic personality during its short period of control over me...had caused more pain then I could ever imagine.
That night my guy took me for drinks "to celebrate" a great deal I done at work. He was distant and tired but now I was ready finally to talk, to tell him how I was feeling, how I needed him...everything, and he opened up to me, telling me how scared he'd been for me , how he didn't know what to say or do. My heart melted and I was just so happy to have him and glad that I hadn't let my other self take over enough to cheat on this wonderful man. We spoke a bit about our future, then all of a sudden he asked me about my past....about the part I lied about...and what could I do...I lied again...to his face..staring him straight in the eye.....and thats when he dropped the bomb....this online asshol had sent him every email conversation.
How do you explain this to someone, how do you explain how hormones and memories can change you into someone else completely...how can you expect them to believe you when you tell them you had no intention of going any further when you had already been so graphic with a stranger, opening up to him in a way it took your darling boyfriend ages to get out of you...and half of that lies. How can you expect him to believe you when you say I love you, when you lied about so much already.
Its over now, I lost the best thing to ever happen to me, the most wonderful man who trully loved me with everything he had
The worst part is how badly I hurt him, I broke his heart worse then I'd ever felt my heart break, I'd done this, all by myself, to the man I loved more then anything. I am not human after all, I am a monster, even if day to day I look and act normally...theres this rotten demon inside of me, eating away at the last remaining bits of human, ruining my life at the ones I love. Hurting him...so bad, oh god how could I have done this to him?????
I dont even know who I am anymore, I can't eat, can't sleep cant even look at myself in the mirror...the only thing I'm sure of is that....I really love him with everything I am still....and that I alone ruined that, I alone caused him more pain then a hundred abortions...I alone
Now I will forever be alone, even if in time someone else came along I could never let someone fall for me knowing I have the capasity in me to hurt them so bad.