25 June 2008...

i remember every single second as if it happened 5 minutes ago...it was a monday morning, the day i received my first ever full pay check as i started working in may...my boyfriend walked me to the atm to draw out R2000...my appointment was at 09:30...i hadnt slept since the previous friday...because i indulged in drugs to make me forget about what i was about to do...i told my boyfriend to go...i was gonna do this on my own...but honestly, i was scared out of mind...

holding onto the teddybear he bought me, i sat alone in a room, three tablets dissolving under my tongue...and i felt a connection so strong to the baby growing inside of me...i couldnt go through with it...this was my baby...but the nurses wouldnt let me leave...they told me it was normal to feel that way...and i believed them...i hate each and every nurse that was there that day...2 hours later, the anaethesists arrived...he asked me id done any sort of substance within the last six hours, because it would be dangerous if i did...and that was my last chance to save my babys life because i had taken a hit of meth just 3 hours earlier...but i sat there and shook my head..numb with fear and emotions...he injected my arm and lead me to the same room i had my scan done just three weeks earlier...

i remember the nurses asking me to remove my underwear from underneath the piece of cloth wrapped around me hips...and the last thing i remember was crying and saying i dont wanna do it anymore...but still i laid myself down on the bed...allowing them to spread my legs...

the next moment, i woke up in another room...the anaethesists explaining about the medication id have to take...and when he walked away, i reached down feeling for the lump on my stomach...but there was only a hot water bottle...i lied still for a few minutes, tears running down my cheeks...it was over...and i hated myself ever since that few moments...

I have a printout of the scan i did at that same hospital before the procedure...i stared at the black and white photo everyday studying every detail...and a day or two after the abortion, i noticed the age of my baby...on the 25 june my baby was exactly twelve weeks...which explained the urgency of the nurses, because after twelve weeks the procedure could not be done there...

but what hit the hardest...the reason i cant stand looking at myself in the mirror anymore...is that exactly 6 months after that day my baby was due to be born...on the 25 December...

CHRISTMAS DAY...i will never forgive myself...im so sorry...

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