The day I 'felt' I was pregnant was the happiest day of my life! I knew I was pregnant way before I took a test or before I missed my period. I felt my body changing and I loved it, even the morning sickness! And it was bad, for the short time I was pregnant. I felt a growing closeness to my baby. And then I told my boyfriend I was pregnant...he started smiling , a big bright smile and I was so relieved because I thought, everything's going to be ok, we both want this baby. And then reality kicked in. He wasn't ready for the responsibility. Neither was I. I'm still not but I felt that I could learn to be. My baby needed me. He told me that he was not ready but if I wanted to keep the baby I should. He would support me either way. I started having doubts, I had just started a job and he was unemployed. How were we going to give a baby the life it deserves? We both come from broken families and we had promised that one day we wouldn't let our children be raised like that. My heart was breaking. He was going about life as though this wasn't happening. I was the one feeling everything. I never thought things through I just made a booking to have an abortion and told him about it and he just said ok! OK??? I wanted more than that, I wanted him to stop me.
The day of the abortion, March 8, I was a nervous wreck! I was shaking all the time. We got to the clinic and there were other girls as well. We all had to go through a process first. My boyfriend sat there and all he could do was complain about how long it was taking...As if he couldn't wait for the baby to be gone. It was then that I realised that I was alone in this and he would never understand what I was feeling. I was told to get undressed. They gave me pill to put in my mouth that would dissolve. It was a pill to make me start bleeding and to soften/widen the opening of the vagina. I started getting cold shivers and felt extremely drowsy. After a hour it was my turn. I started panicking and wanted to run away. They had closed all the doors and I felt trapped. I was told to get on the bed and to put my legs in the straps to spread them apart. I was terrified. I started crying. Someone held my legs and the other lady put something cold in me. It was some sort of a clamp, we were shown the device before we went it. She turned it and it opened up my vagina. That I never felt. What happened next was the most painfull and traumatic experience of my life and I will never forget it. My baby was sucked out of my womb! I felt my baby being sucked out of me and I screamed, I wanted them to stop, I didn't want to do it anymore! They continued to suck until I was numb and couldn't feel anything anymore. While my baby and I were being taken away from each other the nurses were talking about what they were going to make for supper that night! I lied there in disbelief! My whole world was torn apart and they were talking about food??? I had to get off the bed and go into another room where all the other girls went afterwards. I just wanted to be alone. I was bleeding and the pain that came back was excruciating. I didn't want to be there with all of them. Feeling their pain, hearing them cry. Later that day, I was at my boyfriend's house, lying bed, instead of him being there for me, holding my hand, crying with me, he went to go drink with his cousin! I have never felt so alone in my entire life! I had blocked out everything about that day until recently I began having sleeping problems. I get flashbacks and panic attacks. I see that room, I smell it, I hear everything and I want to run away because they want to take my baby from me. I have started thinking about killing myself. I have disappointed my child. I never had the guts to stand up for my unborn child, who needed me! Everyday is hard, the nights even more so...I just want my baby back.