I know that they are relatively unrelated to my brain, but my breasts hurt so bad right now I can not concentrate on anything else.

Perhaps lets start with an introduction to more than just my breasts. I am 30 years old. 15 years ago I had an abortion, and 5 years ago I gave birth to my first son and 16 months later my second son came into the world. But then, well then the marriage fell apart and their father and I separated. Shortly after, I found someone incredible, that was 18 months ago. He was the one. I honestly said to myself, this is the man I want to spend the rest of my days and nights with. About 13 months ago (during what must now be called, "Breakup of the Ages, part I"), I sat up in bed, suddenly in the middle of the night and I said to myself: "omigod - I am going to have his baby girl!" I didn't mean then, I knew I wasn't pregnant. It was just some sort of weird knowingness. We got back together. We laughed, we loved...

We broke up again a few weeks ago - he isn't ready to commit to a girl with two kids, doesn't really want to take the leap to moving into his new house with us. I tried to understand. Hell, I am still trying. But I became broken. I had to work really hard to get through the days so my kids would not see and feel all that was going on around them. I vowed off any future relationships, stopped taking the pill and worryingly, just couldn't keep food down if I could get myself to eat at all.

Two weeks ago he came over after a dinner party and hardly capable of speech. I was mostly asleep, yet happy to see him. And then the inevitable. Its a fluke and a half that I know I am pregnant now. I went to the doctor to discuss birth control options I don't have to think about now that I am hardly thinking about sex. The blood test revealed that birth control is really not necessary at this point, though the urine test didn't reveal it yet. Early days, early days.

2 weeks in (or is it 4 weeks?) and yes, I can feel it - and as I said, mainly in my breasts. I am also sleeping 10 hours a night and yawning 45 minutes after I wake up. I am constipated and cranky. Oh yes the joys...

But he is not ready to commit to me, let alone a baby. I can not do this without him. I don't earn enough (and kicker, I am living in a foreign country and do not qualify for social welfare). My existing childcare revolves around my boys' father. I have no family here and even though I have some lovely friends, no one is really in a position to step up to the plate and help me out in the way that I need them to. I don't feel it is right to ask him to give up his future for a reality I am already in (though I know there will be a million contenders to that). Early days. I have time to make a decision, but if I keep this baby it will be on my own - even if he helps me financially. He has said he is not ready (who ever is? and am I for that matter?) and I said I wasn't asking him to be. I thought termination was the option for both of us when I told him. And anyhow, it is early days...

But now? Now I sit at my desk and I struggle with myself. I argue and I fight. And my body is fighting me back (thank you for the lovely physical pain to go with the mental anguish). As cloudy as my brain is, I found myself picking up a pregnancy magazine along with milk and bread last night. I thought about baby fingers and baby toes. I thought about that little girl I thought I was going to have. And inbetween the burbing and the nausea, I really think I want this baby. But I am alone and lost and confused and afraid. And I thought I was past all of this... I never thought I would be here right now... And the fact that it is early days is of no consolation to me right now...

Comments (0)

There are no comments posted here yet

Need Help?

standupgirl contact becky

Search Real Stories

Share your story on StandUpGirl

Get 24 hour live support!
Optionline chat

StandUpGuy Story by Kyle

standupgirl app

Translate Our Page

enes

StandUpGirl Login

Welcome to StandUpGirl