When i was 19, i had just broken up with my partner of 3 years and trying to find a way to curb the hurt and lonleyness went home with a complete stranger from the local club. What was to be a one night stand turned out to be so much more. i fell head over heals for this boy and he the same for me. things moved fast but everything felt right i had never felt this strongly about anyone even tho we had only been together a couple of months. but only a month after that things were changing, he was becoming distant on occasions and not the Sean i knew so well. i was in his bedroom one night whilst he sleep. his phone kept ringing and he didnt wake to answer it, but keeping my nose out of his business i didnt answer it. what came next was such a shock, his x turned up and claimed him and her had never broken up. a million things ran through my head. i left the room and waited outside so they could talk and what seemed like years passed. she finally came out and said he was in the shower. he followed about 10 minutes later and anounced they were back together and he was going to town. he left me on his driveway with no transport in the middle of the night completely distraught.

 i found out a week later that i was pregnant with his child, i arranged a time to speak to him about everything. it didnt go well he denied it was his and told me he was infertile. i left that day feeling so alone i couldn't tell my mum she wouldnt understand. my friends were not supportive bar 1. i was so lost so confused the only thing that kept me going was knowing that i had a child i could love growing inside me. Sean contacted me again and accused me of making up that i was pregnant to keep him he told me i was childish and it wasnt going to work and for him to believe me i needed proof. this was easier said than done. i asked my doctor who just looked at me oddly. i brought sean my appt card for an ultrasound scheduled for the next day. and to my shock he turned up.

Everything changed once he saw the scan, once he knew i was telling the truth. he held me for so long whilst i cried and cried, i stayed at his house the next few days and ran through our options. he was so supportive he promised to be there for me whatever i decided to do. finally things seemed to be getting easier. i deciced straight away i couldnt abort this baby, it ment more to me than anything else in my life at that time. But sadly the reaction sean had when i told him wasnt quite what i had expected, i had never seen him so mad. i yelled back to defend myself but really achieving nothing. it only got worse from there he threatened to take me to court to prove that i would be an unfit mother he told me he would make my life hell and that i was making a huge mistake. but once again he came round and calmed down. i told my mother christmas day probably not the best of days i know, and she wanted me to abort as well. it really felt like the whole world was my enemy.

between mum and Sean i was forced into an abortion. i told the counceler the whole story and how it wasnt what i wanted i wanted to let my baby live. she wouldnt allow the abortion and i was so releived, but it didnt take long before i was forced to attend another appt and told i had to lie to get that abortion. i wanted to run away to leave for a different country and never look back but i didnt have the resources i was stuck in a black hole. i had to go to the 2nd appt and lie to the counceler. once everything was approved sean promised to stay by my side and be there for me through everything. i didnt sleep for days prior and was made to stay at seans the night before so he could take me in the morning. i refused to get out of hte car and grabbed hold of anything i could like a stubborn child but i was dragged crying into the clinic. it was cold in there, there was no love in the air everyone and everything was silent. there was no turning back and nothing i could do, i told the nurse i didnt want to go through with it and she said your just scared. i was trapped with no way out i didnt know what to do with myself. i was given a tablet to start the process and that was the end. the pain was indescribable mentally and physically it was all over very quickly and my memory is hazy. but sean dropped me off home where my mother greeted me with all done!! i was mortified and ran to my room. sean promised to come back after work and see how i was but he didnt turn up i rang him and he was at a party with his new girlfriend. i shoud have known he was only promising to be there until he got what he wanted.

i stayed in my room for weekd literally i felt so alone, i lost 20 kilos and was skin and bone, i wanted my life to end, i felt i didnt deserve to live i had taken the life of my baby why should i deserve to be on this earth.

its been 2 and a half years now, and i still dont forgive myself. i still dont forgive him but moreso myself because im sure if i was stronger i could have found support and changed what happened. having the abortion took such a toll on my life and it still does in so many ways. i dont talk about my story even my best friends dont know what happened and i dont think i will ever tell them. this is the first time ive written about it.

i wish for anyone who is in to a similiar situation to what i was to follow there hearts and dont be pressred into something you dont want to do.

learn from my mistakes :)

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