As many of you know I am pregnant with my third child, my first two pregnancies were not picture perfect in the beginning but towards the middle they evened out and I had a blast with my big belly and to say I was nesting was an understatement....This time around has not been so wonderful...My first appointment I was told that my baby had no heartbeat and that it was measuring two weeks behind in development also that my baby was implanted in between my tube and my uterus, could have been fatal to me, I was pretty freaked out and I was having horrid cramps and when I would go to the bathroom I would just brace myself to see blood...That however did not happen, I went in for a more detailed ultrasound to re check for a heartbeat and the baby had one, it was very faint but still there, also the baby was measuring accurately for how far along I was and had drastically moved position...I was now feeling better, I could get attached to my baby now and begin the next season of puking all day and never being without a headache, I went on a wonderful trip with my husband to celebrate our first wedding anniversary and when I got back and had a follow up appointment I was asked if I had traveled out of the country because I had a very rare and strange parasite in my urine...I began to freak out again and wonder if this would take my baby's life...they did further testing and could not find anything wrong...the parasite just went away and no I had not been outside of the country...so then we went on with the rest of the pregnancy symptoms, starting to show, HUGE changes in my upper body, I also started to feel subtle movements, then they stopped, I had not felt anything in like 3 weeks and all I did was cramp and have contractions all day long...in the meantime through all of this I had been asking for prayer from friends and things always turned out to be ok, I told of my concerns for the baby not moving at a bible study I go to and asked for prayer for the horrible dreams about delivering a dead baby into my hands, I just wanted to be relieved of these fears that have plagued me this whole pregnancy....the next day I was sitting here on the computer and the baby started pounding on my bladder...I got up and ran to my bed to lay down so I could concentrate on feeling more movement, I called my husband with tears in my eyes over how much relief I had and how my fears were just shot out the window...it was nice...Now I could get attached and be done with the fears and have nothing but nesting and ultrasounds to look forward to, the very next day I started spotting and having more contractions and cramps, I went to the hospital and had an ultrasound and the baby was fine and all looked well, Now I could rest, we saw our baby and my placenta was in a good spot, nothing else to go wrong...then they gave me an exam and told me that I was 50% effaced and a fingertip dilated...the doctor went over the percentages of carrying to term and the percentage of miscarriage, it was horrifying to be hearing all of this, I immediately shut back down and let go of the small amount of attachment I had at that point, I was put on bed rest and given medicine to make sure I didn't get an infection in case my doctor was going to stitch up my cervix, I went in for a follow up appointment with my doctor and my cervix was no longer thinning and I looked pretty good, I was not dilating from the inside out just slightly at the bottom and because I do not have a history of pre term labor my mind was set at ease once again and the emotional wall between me and baby was coming down again, I started feeling more movements, I would talk to the baby and call it funny names when it was wiggling, our ultrasound got closer and closer and I couldn't wait to see my baby again...we were good and did not peek, we want to be surprised (I am leaning more towards a girl now where the beginning I was thinking boy....totally confused...LOL)anyways the ultrasound looked great and although the radiologist is not the one to give diagnosis of anything he said all looked fine, Over the next two days I was glowing, feeling grand and pregnant and beginning to imagine meeting my baby at the ripe time of full term with no problems, smooth sailing from here on out, then I had my follow up with my doctor who informed me yesterday that the baby has a Choroid Plexus Cyst on its brain, it is one of the symptoms for Trisomy 18, an often fatal abnormality...there were no other outward signs like spinabifida or clubbed feet but there are many other deformations that may not be visible on an ultrasound...I just looked at my doctor and started laughing, I told him" what's new and what's next" I am not too freaked out at this point but I have to wait two months before another ultrasound to re check for the cyst, I guess no matter what happens I will be thankful but I am so tired of getting attached and then fearing attachment and bouncing back and forth, I guess I just wanted to share my heart with everyone, some people get abortions because the "baby has no heartbeat anyways..." We proved that wrong, some people have abortions because "the chances of carrying full term are slim", each day that passes we are proving that wrong, some people abort due to "risk to the mothers health", this baby could have killed me but moved and I am no longer at risk for rupturing how I would have had it not moved...some people abort because of "medical issues", I had an abnormal pap before I found out I was pregnant and there is a chance that I have cervical cancer and cannot do anything about it until the baby is born, some people abort because they get scary news from the blood work or ultrasound checking for abnormalities, my baby has a 1 in a 1000 chance that it will not live for more than a few minutes outside the womb, if it does live he/she is facing major heart problems, cleft in the face, other physical deformations and who knows what else, but my baby deserves a fighting chance and we have beaten the odds so far with all the rest of the stuff that has been thrown our way...At this point I would rather get attached and have my heart broken then to never know if the tests were wrong, I think they are and if not I have more than enough love to share with a baby who may be deformed or who might only live for two minutes, would you rather be held my your mommy for just a minute and die peacefully in her arms or be subjected to chemicals and or be torn limb from limb or have your neck punctured and your brain sucked out because you may not be "perfect"???? I am giving my baby a fighting chance and I hope that the hardship my family is enduring right now will encourage you all to do the same, I am struggling and hurting but still the doctors are not always right and if they are it doesn't make my baby less human....Meg

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