I don't even know what I am feeling anymore. My story goes a little like this. I started dating this guy and he seemed to be everything I was looking for. He was respectful, genuine, smart, and kind. We started out slow and hung out a lot before we even started to date. I was his first girlfriend but he was like my fifth boyfriend. I was excited to finally meet a guy that had all of these qualitlies . So about one month into our relationship he was diganosed with a rare form of cancer. I was really scared and didn't really know what to do except to be there for him. The doctors did not really know what was going to happen. He could die or live. I did not understand why this was happening?? Why did the guy that I finally had true feelings for have to be put up against that. But I finally gave it up and gave it to God. I promised this guy that I would be there in tell the end and that I would be a supportive girlfriend to him. The chemotherapy was intence! Many nights and days in the hospital. I spent many nights sleeping on the floor of his hospital room to help him when he needed someone to talk to. I even rubbed his back at 3 in the morning when he was puking. Not only was this a big stress on me but also the
stress of my family was braking me down.
After a very long summer of this it was close to the end of his treatment. One night we sat and had a very in deapth conversation about sex. He expressed to me that he was very afried that he would not be able to experience it if he died.I loved him very much and never wanted him to experince something so awful. I also had my own morals to think about. We both decided that we wanted to have sex. So one night when he was home from the hospital we had sex. It was the most wonderul thing at the time. We said goodbye and he kissed my lips and said I love you for the first time! I was so giddy when I got into my car and drove home. The next morning I felt something awful and had a huge migraine. I stayed home from school. I called my boyfriend later in the afternoon to tell him that I was not feeling well. He sounded really sad and so I asked what was wrong. He said it was me. I was what was wrong with him. He said he didn't want to be with me anymore and that I was to needy. I bursted out in tears and could not control myself. I felt like I wanted to die! I went straight over to my best friends house and she finally calmed me down. I can not even write the feelings I was feeling though.
So we still talked even though we were broke up and reconized that we still both had feelings for eachother. One night a couple nights after we broke up we spent 4 hours crying in his room together. That next monday we decided that we still wanted to be together. I was so happy... but still had a lot of trust issues. About 3 weeks later he broke up with me again. I could not believe it. My heart was truly broke. I was not only emotionaly sick
but physicaly too. Every morning I was throwing up and had constant headaches. I didn't really think anything of it at the time and just thought it was stress. The amount of pain that I was feeling was so unbearable. I was talking to my friend and she asked me if it was possible that I was pregnant. I told her no.. we just had sex one time.. and then it hit me. Maybe I am pregnant. So many thoughts runnng though my mind. Not
the least that the doctor told my boyfriend that he should not have any children because of the chemo and the baby would most likly have some retardation issues. How could I take care of a baby especailly when it needed extra care? I could not even give up the baby for adoption. I could not believe what i had done. I took a pregancy test and it was postive.
I just cryed for days. Now you would think someone would notice me crying but since I lived with my grandma becuase my mom was abusive she was gone most of the time.
I had a choice to make. I didn't even tell anyone I was doing it. I got an abortion. I still have not fogivin myself. I don't know if I ever will. I went and got it done by myself and told no one. I think that was the worst part. I am always someone to share my thoughts and fears with my closest loved ones.. but not this time. I just assumed that everyone that I loved would look down on me. The only person that I told after I had it done was my ex-boyfriend (the one who got me pregnant) and he was so angry. Saying that it was my fault that I was pregnant in the first place and he wanted nothing to do with me or my emotional bagage. I could not understand. Sure I wanted it but didn't he want it too? Could he not take some responsibilty for his actions?
Just when I thought I was in the lowest of lows I went over to a friends house that I had not had contact with in months. We were just sitting on her bed talking and then all the sudden I started bawling. I could not contol my tears and I was so embarriesed. She held me and offered to listen if I needed to talk. I told her what I had done and she started crying. I was really shocked and asked why she was crying. She told me that she had had an abortion only to weeks before I did. I was so surprised. We just hugged and cryed together for hours. Just when I thought I had no one, one of my friends had gone through the exact same thing and I didn't even know it.
Now... that could be enough for a 17 year old girl to handle.. but then I had my home situation to deal with. My grandma decided to make me move back into my moms becuase I was staying home from school to much becuase I was sick..... (but she had no idea why I was getting sick). I moved back into my house and started going to school again. Once I got back to school all these rumors started.. I just could not take it anymore. I decided to just take two classes online to get my diploma.
So somehow my mom found out that I had an abortion and FREAKED out! She took away everything... including my books and just told me to stay in my room in tell I addmited to her that I was lying about having the abortion. She didn't believe me. She said I was a liar and she wanted proof that I had one. I have never been one to lie to my parents or go aganist them. I could not understand why she was so angry. She left for work so I grabbed my phone and just started walking. I took a bus to my friends house and I have not been home since. I don't think she really cares though. She knows where I am but still doesnt care. She told me I am not her daughter any more and she wants nothing to do with me. This hurts bad... real bad. But you know what I do have. I have my church and my best friends. My church is now looking for somewhere for me to stay and I am very gratful for them.
I still have a lot of emotional issues as well as physical. I am so dissapointed in society today. It seems like there is no room for mistakes anymore. People just expect everyone to be perfect. I don't know how it is at other schools but the girls at my school who get pregnant are labeled as the "sluts" That is so not fair!!! What about the people who are not sluts it just happened? I think every girl is a wonderful gift from God and I only wish every girl would see that, including me sometimes. I know that in my mind what I did was wrong.. but at the same time I know it was right. I still struggle to wake up every monring but the thought of me being a good wife and mother someday gets me up. The thought that I could have an impact on someone elses life also gets me up in the morning. I am so very gratful for my friends and small group for the amount of support I have gotten in the last couple of weeks. I can't imgine why I didn't tell these people in the beginning. I know I was scared and just wanted to make things right for myself. If anyone has any advice of something to say I would love to hear it.