Ok so I went to a NA meeting tonight and it helped me come to some revelations. We were talking about recovery and what we're most greatful for in it. When it was my turn to speak I still chose to say, I'm just listening thanks but this time it wasn't cause I didn't have anything to say, it was just because I wasn't ready to say it. So I guess I'll say it here, here in a place where it is the least likely to be cared about or appreciated, ever.
One of the things I am so greatful about in my recovery is the fact that I can say "I don't want that shit in my life" and that's that. Not that horrible part that always follows it, the desperation, fear, addiction and obsession.
The "I don't want that shit in my life, but I'm too scared, But I can't stop, But I don't know how, But I'm in over my head." No more ifs ands or buts about it, I can simply say "I don't want that shit in my life" and that's that.
I don't want it in my life and so it isn't. It feels good to be clean and serene. I'm so happy Neil and I are clean, we can be clean for our child, we can offer him a safe and loving, supportive home.
Free of abuse and fear. He can trust his parents. I promise to myself to live the best I can and treat myself the way I deserve to be treated, to keep a stable state of mind, to take things as they come, so in return I can offer my child a safe home, with a Mother who is in a stable state of mind, supportive and loving all the way.
I fear sometimes, it's not all fucking peachy keen, there is still some scary shit out there, I won't lie, what's the point? I'm only lying to myself if I do that...I am fearful, fearful of the unknown, fearful of failure.
I believe in myself though, I believe in my future. Sometimes it wavers, but I'm regaining confidence in myself and I believe I will be ok. I know I will.