As he grew older I told him more- to begin with, only when he asked me a question, but slowly I'd tell him things as I remembered them. I tell him the good things and the funny things that I can remember. And my family does the same. I tell him some of the "bad" things as well so he doesn't think the man is superhuman or something! I always think of my son's father, at least a little, around Christmas and on my Damien's birthday. Until Damien was about 7 years old, I did my level best not to think about his father at all. I had nightmares about him showing up and demanding to see my son- and for all that time I never spoke his name out loud. It was only when I found myself working with three men with his name that I realised I was incapable of saying it, he had always been "him" or "you-know-who" or "Damien's father" up till then. So I got help... not immediately, but I got help. At first I tried to fool myself into thinking Damien may need help with having no father- but the psych I was seeing told me Damien was very well adjusted and very healthy and didn't seem to have any problems with who he was and where he came from. I was the one who needed help dealing with it all. The one thing is that bugs me more than anything else- and on a regular basis- is that I cannot complete Damien's family tree in any photograph albums or in his baby book. And every year from grade one to seven he had to do one for school as well. I know his father's name, and I know his paternal grandparents names... but I just cannot seem to write them down and acknowledge them all as part of Damien's family. Is that strange? I figure that since he isn't on Damien's birth certificate or on his christening certificate- that until he meets him one day, he isn't part of this little family. I pray with all my heart that by some miracle Damien can have his Disney movie reunion with his biological father one day (he refers to him as his "dad"- I have never thought of him that way) and all will be right with his world- even if I don't have to speak to or see him.
- Written by angel_mom