Then when Damien was about two weeks old- he called the house. I’ll never forget it- I went completely cold when I heard his voice on the line. For a split second I thought maybe he wanted to see us and make something of his role as Damien’s biological father- but he didn’t even ask after him. Or me for that matter. All he could talk about was the motorcycle his parents had given him for Christmas. I was hurt and angry all over again, and I knew I had not been wrong about our future. I asked him to stay away from us, and I said that I would leave him alone and that he should leave us alone and we could all start over again. Simple? Yeah right. Well he agreed- and please understand me- I will ALWAYS be grateful to him and his family for sticking to that agreement. Many, MANY times I have considered tracking him down to talk to him- especially as Damien gets older and starts asking more and more questions and talking about his father more, but I never follow through with it. I never wanted to give him the impression that I wanted or needed him around. Tracking him down would be more for my own peace of mind than anything else- I have always told Damien that if he wants to, I’ll help him find his father when he’s 18 years old but not before. Contemplating contacting him is because I want to know what he’s going to say to Damien if he contacts him one day. What “could” happen is one of my greatest fears. Maybe he decides he’d rather not get to know Damien at all. Is he going to tell him that? Maybe he decides to tell him our story differently to what I’ve told him. I mean, I KNOW we won’t remember things the same way. I have told him a lot about what happened when we split- obviously not everything- but enough for him to understand a small inkling about why I broke off all contact with his paternal family. And he does want to meet his father one day. I half hoped… wished he wouldn’t want to- that I would be “enough” for him. You see, I resolved- before he was born- that I would not lie to him, that I would tell him as much of the truth as I thought he could handle. Like when he was in nursery school and the other kids asked him where his dad was- I just said he should tell them you’d gone to marry someone else. Little kids can sorta understand that.
- Written by angel_mom