I dont know what to title this yet, I guess I will do that at the end, being I have no clue as to what  I am even going to write about.  Its certrainly not that i dont have anything to say, rather, probably too much to say and dont even know where to begin. 

I am so sick and tired, literally, in every sense of the phrase.  I have never in my life been so sick, I am sure its a combonation of my heart condition and being pregnant, but I cant take this much longer.  My ex husband went out of town this week, and it is my kids first week of school, and my son has football practice, which thankfully they cut to three days a week rather than 5.  On top of that, it was supposed to be my second week of school, and I havent gone to one class yet,  Its not that I havent wanted to, but,  last week I was in the hospital and this week my ex went out of town and there is no after care at school being its the first week, so I have to make sure I am at the school right on time.  Of course I dont mind going to get my kids from school, actually,  I am happy i get the week to myself with them, but of  course he is being a jerk, for who knows what reason this week. 

Anyhow, I guess thats neither here nor there, and am getting off track.  My point is, I am so sick.  Not one of my other pregnancies have ever gotten me this sick.  I get up and am literally spinning, feeling faint, throwing up, and am exhausted even after 12 hours sleep.  I am losing weight, which I am sure I will make up for at some point, but  cant seem to keep anything down.  This morning I was trying to make lunch for the kids, and the sandwich meat made me puke. 

My b/f went away to a family reunion in texas this past weekend.  He called me everyday, "to make sure i was ok".  What in the world am i supposed to tell him, "oh i am feeling just fantastic and all the wonderfull things you say really make me feel just great too?"  No!  I dont think so, I am absolutely, probably the most miserable person alive right now, I feel like crap, and unless your drunk you say the most stupid crap to me.  I am sick and tired of that too (guess i found my title).

Memorial Day he calls me, in the day, and he asked how I was, I told him the truth followed by saying that I really wish I wasn't pregnant, cuz I have never been so sick.  He has the nerve to say to me "your not the only one who wishes you weren't pregnant, there's a few people who wish you werent".  UGHHHHHHHHHHHH I swear its a good thing he wasnt here.  I quickly ended the conversation shortly there after a few more things were said, but did so with grace considering the situation, being careful not to add fuel to the fire. 

He then calls me at night, sweet as can be.... there has to be something up, of course, he's dunk.  Not completely wasted where to I cant understand a word he is saying, but enough that I can tell, and enough so that he tells me.  I dont really have a problem with it, I am not there, and maybe this will relieve some stress for him and he can take this time away, drinking or not, to think.  He always used to call me "baby girl" which he did that night, but caught himslef, so it was follwed by, well you are my baby's girl.  Whatever, lol.  I dont get why he has to pretend to be something he is not.  Why he has to be so angry, and have this wall up around him.  But I didnt say anything about it, and wont.  I find the more I keep my mouth shut, well at least about anything bad, the better he is.  If I let him know its ok to be experiencing mixed emotions and to feel scared, confused, whatever,  the better things become between him and I, he is nicer, and opens up more.  He's opened up a bit, and  has been calling me a lot and seems really concerned about me now.  I am very happy for that. 

 Today he is going to come over, I am sure nothing extraordinary will happen, but it will be nice to see him.  I am looking forward to that.  I love him.  He is very sepcial to me, and I wish he could see that in himself.  That he is a good person with a lot to give the world around him, especially me and his baby.  I know he is fearful that he will screw up this kids life, but as a mother, I will not let that happen.  But besides me not letting him, he wont, not if he can just see what i see in him.  Maybe that will never happen, I dont know, no one knows, i am sure, not even him.  This has all been a battle, but one worth fighting, for him, me and our baby, and certainly one I will not give up on. 

Well, before I puke all over myself for the, literally 5th time today. , I better go.....   All I can do is keep fighting, keep taking it day by day, and keep going.  Even though I feel lke my world is coming to an end at times, and I feel like just giving up and that my ife is over, I have to realize it is not, rather it is just the begining, of a whole new world, and that world is going to contain what I make of it, and for that alone, I  refuse to give up.......

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