Ok. So I guess this is my first time ever publicly admitting to anyone other than just a handful of close, personal friends that in February of 2008, at the age of 29 years old, without hesitation I chose to have an abortion.
I say without hesitation, but I have to explain that that had been my immediate decision from the moment I discovered that I was indeed pregnant- pregnant by a man whom I had only met a month prior. This man had come into my life in the most unexpected and surreal fashion, and as crazy as I felt, and to this day still do feel for this guy, I knew in my heart that the “timing” of this pregnancy would never work out for anyone’s best interests…except maybe my own- a lesson learned the hard way that I shall now live with for the rest of my life. I had the abortion performed at only 4 weeks, a major reassurance to my conscience that it would be least devastating knowing that I would merely be removing what had been described to me as just a “blood clot” at this stage of pregnancy.
One dear friend of mine, an honest and sincere woman wise beyond her 28 years, confided in me after I shared my decision with her the fact that before any woman has an abortion she MUST realize that for every day thereafter she WILL question and ponder EVERY “what if” that popped into mind concerning the possibility of the path she did not choose to take. I heard her words. I thought about my life if I were to have the baby, and ultimately, my decision never waivered. Of course, the support of my new boyfriend- whom I must reveal at this time had two children at the age of 27- helped strengthen my faith in the idea that termination of this pregnancy was in everyone’s best interests. Yeah, I hadn’t the faintest clue as to what I was about to experience.
The day of the abortion was the most emotional day of my life to date. We were running a bit late, never out of the ordinary for either one of us, and low and behold just as we approached the red light where we were to turn left into the business complex of the doctor’s office, there stood a small yet dominating group of women holding giant posters of a digitally enlarged fetus at 4, 5, and 6 weeks old. My lover asked what I wanted him to do, should we just turn in there as planned? NO!! I told him as I became VERY emotional for the first time that morning to bust a U-turn and we’d enter the complex a little ways down. I felt the shame and guilt start to wash over me like a heavy downpour. By the time I had walked into the office, I was sobbing uncontrollably. The fact that he was still holding himself together, showing no signs of doubt as of yet, only made me feel so rejected and very unsure about my entire destiny.
After leaving him in the waiting room amongst all other fathers-to-be that were about to be “let off the hook” also, I was escorted to a room where I filled out about a dozen forms signing each one in a blur, then shocked as a nurse went ahead and handed me a handful of pills. One would be for nausea, another for anxiety, a couple for pain, and so on. There looked to be about 20-25 women there all together, slowly we were lined up along a wall that lead to the room of doom. As I sat and tried unsuccessfully to think of anything else, one by one I witnessed the pills take effect on almost every female, and I anticipated my drugs helping me to enter such a haze just as they were. I had no such luck. Girls had to be escorted down the hallway with a nurse on either side, helping each patient scuffle to the surgical area while I, surprisingly to the several nurses who watched me at this point, insisted that I could and would be able to manage walking without assistance.
A nurse I had come to be more open with had inquired about my tolerance to prescription medication, in which I had told her that my mind had always seemed stronger than my body and that I surely did not feel the effects as the women already snoozing in their chairs pre-procedure. This nurse told me she had a high tolerance herself, and was able to slip me two more pills that I quickly swallowed with the hopes that they’d hit me before the doctor did. As my turn approached, my sobbs had returned and I questioned what I was about to experience with every ounce of my soul. I wanted to ask the man whom created life with me for his final answer, and was told that was not able to happen this late in the process of it all. Apparently, it was told to me later, that upon getting on the operating table is when I totally lost all control of my tears and fears. I kept saying no, wait, but the anesthesiologist gave me the dose of twilight medicine that I’m positive had been the norm for each female before me.
A few minutes later, I was NOT in a twilight state whatsoever. The doctor, frustrated I’m sure at this set back in his busy workday, told me that if I continued to cry as I was, he would not be able to perform the procedure. I tried to stop, I think (?), but he resorted to looking at the anesthesiologist and asking her if I’d handle another dose in which she agreed I could and that was that. I awoke long enough to where I remember being escorted to the back door that lead outside where I was met by my handsome new lover who took over the role of my caretaker and helped me into his truck. I fell immediately back to sleep.
We rented a hotel room for the rest of that day and night, not wanting either one of our family members whom we still shared a roof with to know what we had just done. I layed down only to pass out again, he ran a few errands returning shortly after with food and a few other comforts from his house that helped us mindlessly occupy the next 24 hours. He was sweet and attentive. I was already harboring resentment that two women before me, probably without his questioning them, had conceived his child and probably never had the option in their mind to terminate such a miracle. Why did I have to be the one who made the hardest choice of all? To answer my own question, I conveniently told myself that I had gotten pregnant SO much sooner than the other two, and that neither of our families would have been able to handle such news from the both of us, therefore convincing myself yet again that I had made the correct decision for everyone.
Now, just to inform any female who may find herself in a similar situation, if you believe that you can have an abortion administered, and then proceed into life never thinking about your past ever again…you will be sorely disappointed and sadly mistaken. I still, almost one year later, think about what might have been on a daily basis. It is hard to look myself in the mirror and not still have regret and shame for what I have and have not done in my life, due to simple outcomes stemming from MY own actions.
It is a choice that I know will continue to haunt me for the rest of my life,leaving me no other choice but to move on and push those memories out of my brain.
So, after all this depressing, devastating, negative energy rambling, I MUST describe where I currently find myself to date. I am still in a relationship with the same gentleman as I was with before.
I had been a faithful consumer of birth control medication ever since the dreadful day in mention, and yet this past October I discovered that once again I was expecting a baby. (YES!! ATTN SPERM BANK: YOU WANT TO MEET MY BOYFRIEND!! HE MUST CONTAIN SOME POWERFUL SWIMMERS IN WHICH THE MOST INFERTILE FEMALE COULD PROB FERTILIZE HER EGG). This time I cannot admit in any way that I believe(d) I’m ready to be a mother, BUT I could conclude that I was NOT ready to ever live with the fact of having to make the same dreadful decision as I had made before.
It almost feels at times like this was meant to challenge me, to make me realize that there are unexpected events that occur in the most unconventional ways thus forcing us to change and adapt and to live a life that does not continue to allow ourselves to remain selfish and tunnel visioned to the idea that our lives unfold only how we allow them to be. God throws us curve balls, it’s up to us as mere humans to decide whether or not we’re gonna take a swing. I’m 20 weeks along almost, and scared as I am, I’m also excited to experience what I abruptly chose not to experience before. I hope and pray everyday that I will be a good mother, but at least I know one thing for certain…I’d be a bad woman to ever think that I could take the easy way out of major responsibilties that were created from the same actions that I repeatedly decided to continue doing, even after a horrible experience such as an abortion. If you don’t wish to have children, do not even consider having sexual relations with a man.
Otherwise, please prepare yourself for the unexpected. What goes around, comes around and you’ve just gotta live and learn for yourself.
I learn EVERYTHING the hard way. Thanks for reading this.