blue rocky beachI’ve read people’s stories and cried myself to sleep, but that’s not the only reason I’ve cried myself to sleep for the past 8 days. My wish is that anyone who is thinking of doing what I did, read this and don’t go down the same road.

8 days ago on the 9th of October 2008, I went to hospital to terminate my pregnancy. I had mixed feelings about doing it but I’d played this day over and over again in my mind and I’d told myself so many times in my head that this was what I wanted and this was what was best for us, me, my baby and the father. I just started out at Uni, I’m a few weeks from writing my first year final exams and I fell pregnant. I’d saved my virginity for 18 years until now and before I knew the pleasures of sexual intercourse I fell pregnant. I told myself I love my baby so much I couldn’t bring him/her into this horrible place where I couldn’t do a thing for them. I didn’t want my child to be a charity case.

Not here, not now, not like this. I repeated these words daily, my life had just started being perfect and I talked to my boyfriend and we both decided to do the ‘deed’.  No one else knows until this day, except the two of us. We both agreed not here, not now and not like this. We had our lives ahead of us and when he marries me we will have many more. We convinced ourselves we weren’t being heartless and that God would forgive us, funny enough we prayed together that morning before I murdered my child. We loved our child so much we gave them a name, which means love in our mother tongue.

Well… the day came and I went to have my abortion.  Funny enough, I thought it would be relieving after  that but the truth is its not. After having taken those pills for hours, I felt my baby come out of me. I wept but it was too late now. They were dead. I’ll never know them now. I’ll never know their smile, their cry.  I never gave them the chance and now it cleared in my head, my mother would’ve never deserted me, my father wouldn’t have killed me.  People would’ve judged me, yes, but they’d soon find something else to gossip about.  It wasn’t about my little baby (Lerato) It was all about me. I was selfish and weak. I couldn’t bear to sleep on the bed that I made and so I took an easier route.  Or so I thought. I cry myself to sleep everyday now, I cried to my boyfrend the next day and he said it would be fine and that it was his fault as much as it was mine and that God still loves me and a lot of other things. It hasn’t made me cry any less or made me feel any better about myself…. I murdered my baby and now I shall die slowly every day.

I’ve accepted that but I’m done with my life.  I’m not suicidal no, but I pray everyday that I die. That I crash or something of the sort. I hate myself so much, I don’t know how I will go back home and face my family even though they don’t know yet. I can’t bear anymore of this. My baby should be the one here not me…. So to anyone thinking about it…. This might not change your mind because nothing changed mine but know that this could be you….I never though it would be me, I used to write encouraging poems but now this is one of the only things I can get to writing.

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I’m sorry my child, I’m sorry I took your life so as to continue with mine

I’m sorry you couldn’t fit in into the little world of perfection that I lived with pride

I’m sorry I didn’t give you a chance

I’m sorry you had to be one of those who were never given a chance

I’m sorry you had to have a horrible person as your mother

I’m sorry I was your mother by name but failed you in everyway by action

I’m sorry for being the person that I am

I’m sorry this world contaminated me

Or maybe I’ve always been contaminated, the world exposed it.

I’m sorry you had to be mine, I’m sorry it had to be now.

But most of all I’m sorry for having taken your life

Before it even begun

* *

If one day I could have the chance to see you, I would like to say I’m sorry

And if you ever want to tell me how selfish and heartless I am

How much you hate me and wished you weren’t conceived of me

I’ll accept it all because I hate me too

I hate me because now I know who I am rather than who I proclaim

I hate me for loving self so much I couldn’t let God

I hate me for everything

But mostly right here and right now,

I hate the fact that I can walk this world proudly and all you can ever do is be the memory at the back of my head

My little, what if

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hope it at least makes u think