girl on tracksMy name is Anna and I am 15 years old. My life has been a variety of ups and downs, more downs in the past and more ups in the present. When I was younger (that’s funny to say given the fact of how young I am right now) I experimented. A lot. But that all pretty much started when I went into foster care, before that it was all about booze and weed, that’s when I lived in a small town where that’s basically all there was, so when I moved into town, into a new home with new unexplored territory it pretty much took off from there.

First thing was first, when I was downtown one night I saw a girl I sort of new and she brought me to a guys house that SHE sort of new and we drank and did a bunch of coke and I lost my virginity a 13, I actually had sex twice that night with guys I really didn’t know, in the morning I found rigs (needles) scattered around and realizing what I had done, I left before anyone woke up. That was the day of my 14th birthday.

From then on I took things one step further, lots of E, Acid, Coke, Booze, Weed, MDA, MDMA, Ketamine…all the fun things…Then I met a girl who was involved with this really messed up family that got a kick out of getting young girls addicted to crystal meth, I went there once and tried it while on E, nevertheless I liked it. The house was welcoming and interesting, sweet techno music, cool clothes, artistic, amazing, everything a girl could want, it was glamorous.

The Dad was gay, the mom was gay the daughter was an escort and the brother was a psycho. How fun. nevertheless I got wrapped up in it, starting to do the drug not just at the house but everywhere else, the fun of not sleeping, or eating and being perfectly ok was a thrill. I could write better, think clearer and everything seemed to come togethor.

Suddenly one day I realized I had a full blown addiction on my hands. I turned my back on friends who wanted to help, ignoring there tears, my best friend was Meth, Jib, Ice, gak, whatever you want to call it, and the pretend best friend was Jenn. Together we looked great, we were a package all wrapped in one, we were Pixie Monsters. What goes with being attractive also comes guys finding you attractive, with that comes sex. Lots of it.

Thankfully I never contracted anything (Jenn I can’t say the same for) but nevertheless it was risky and dangerous…Until I met Neil.

Now I am not racist so don’t get that impression I’ve just never found myself attracted to anyone other than someone of my own race, Neil is full heltsuik native and I took my attraction to him as some sort of brought on sex drug craze that really, isn’t a surprise because half the guys I fell for were the result of that.On top of that he had a 3 year old daughter from a different relationship that for some reason I didn’t take as a turn off (I normally would’ve that is). Anyways, I quickly realized what I was feeling for him were different from the rest. Now let me make another thing clear, a reason why I chose to dive into this feel good drug was the fact that I lost a terribly close friend of mine in a sudden and tragic accident that brought his life to a close at the mere age of 14, which resulted in me throwing all caution to the wind.

 I’ve had some pretty big issues in my life, I dealt with self mutilation since I was 11 and some pretty big mental health issues, I’ve been on lots of medications to set me straight  but the doctors couldn’t figure me out. I even had a suicide attempt which left me with and impaired liver and a horrible stay at a psych ward. Anyways, what I’m also getting at is I used to be plagued with absolutely horrifying nightmares. Some that still haunt me and meth helped since I could stay up and eventually, black out without nothing entering my mind.

ANYWAYS, believe me this all ties in very soon. So when I met Neil I just got these stupid giddy feelings which again, was kinda of weird because I was this hot little tart and he was a homeless native guy with long hair and dressed in camo. When he spoke I could barely hear what he was saying which sucked because I was sure it was profound. Anyways, I started hanging around him more and more and began looking forward to seeing him. Then we started sleeping together, No, not having sex, simply…sleeping. That’s when I realized something really strange…I didn’t have nightmares. Now, these things have driven me mental for longer than I can remember and for them to simply vanish because I was cuddling with some buddy from downtown had to mean SOMETHING.

So yadda yadda, fast forward a bit and my Dad (who I was living with at the time) tweaked at me and kicked me out. So of course I go and find Neil who was reading a letter I had written him the night before and who looked genuinely surprised to see me appear out of no where. So from then on we were companions, he kept me safe, and he kept me warm. He helped me take better care of myself then when I wasn’t with him, which is funny because when I wasn’t I was in a home fully equipped with a bed, bath, food and water…Anyways, life on the streets is pretty crazy..and scary, I remember living in an abandoned house for about a month with who knows how many people, including the main drug dealer in Victoria, it really made things a little hectic. Anyways, fast forward to five months later, my Dad let me back home, with Neil this time but things sour quickly. You can’t blame him though because 3 people in a 1 bedroom apartment, 2 of them recovering from drugs is a big issue. We both went looking for jobs but while I got a part time job at a restaurant Neil came up empty handed, it was clear things were going nowhere.

So my Dad kicked us out (for our own good, believe me) and we ended up in sooke at my moms. This is where things get real nice. Here we are in a safe place, away from old friends and bad habits, a new start. Everything started getting really good, we all have lots of space and lots of things to do without worrying about running into a bad situation. Neil got enrolled in a great program called the pathway project and that helped him get lots of skills and training all the while paying him to do it. I got a job at Fields and worked my butt off there, even though the people weren’t so nice.

Then one day after I had gone for some X rays I went to my doctors to get the results. She said I had a hernia and was scheduling a surgery for me when I remembered me and Neil needed to get me a pregnancy test since my deprovera shot had run out 2 months ago. So before I left she quickly did that and when she came back she told me she had some bad news, she explained that yes, I was pregnant and put me up on the table so she could feel my belly. When she said holy sh*t  — I can honestly say I didn’t feel too comforted and when she said it was about 4 months I was even less at ease. She then made me an appointment for an Ultra sound the next day and gave me a pat on the back telling me we would get through this.

When I went to the car my mom wasn’t there waiting for me so I sat alone trying not too lose it. That’s when the baby kicked for the first time. I didn’t know what it was at first but when it happened again a moment later I figured it out pretty quickly, that’s when I completely lost and and cried harder than I had for a very, very long time.

When Neil got home from Pathways that day he found me curled up in the fetal position Stiiilll bawling my eyes out. When I mouthed the words “i’m pregnant” and held up four fingers he put his head down for a moment then held onto me real tight and told me not to cry, it’ll be ok. Later that night he had his hand resting on my belly and he felt the baby kick and that was his time too lose it, he held on to me so tight and just cried, me crying with him…so many scary emotions all at once.

The next day Mom took me to the Ultra sound and even though we hadn’t decided to keep the baby yet she couldn’t wipe the smile off her face. She wanted to come into the ultra sound with me and I said that was fine, but I didn’t want to see (Yes, now I completely regret it but at the time it was simply out of the question.) So I had to sit there, actually, lay there, silent tears sliding out of my eyes while the nurse pushed that thing into my belly and I swear she was going to crush the baby.

Mom didn’t help by gasping and smiling and asking me if I could feel it moving. Obviously she couldn’t grasp the absolute horror of the whole situation. The next day at the doctor she explained I was 5 months and 2 days and that I had a week to decide abortion, a horrible inhumane and disturbing 3 day long process that was already in my head out of the question…I had to know first though, was the baby healthy? Yes, perfectly. How could I possibly kill a perfectly healthy baby that was already alive inside me. It was simply too late.

So Then I could decide adoption or keeping the baby. Well, that was up to me and Neil. So when he got home I told him abortion was out of the question and adoption or keeping it was the last two. I already wanted to keep it but he decision mattered as much as mine. He looked thoughtful for a moment and then smiled at me “so we’re having a baby??” Things got a little silly after that but let’s not go there.

Let’s fast forward to the future, Neil graduated from pathways and got a job right away. I had to take a leave of absence from work under my doctors discretion due to too much stress on my body (I’m still on the break by the way) and so far we have food, clothes, wipes, changing table, toys, car seat and  stroller and over 1000 dollars in the savings fund and still three months more of saving.

I am now 6 months pregnant and due October 28th. I have some really great ups and some really bad downs but so far what I’ve heard these are normal…I’m happy to say I’m healthy and so is the baby. I have the full support of Neil, my family and the friends that have stuck by me and little by little things are coming together. Right now I am under the impression that everything is going to be ok. 🙂 We’ll just have to wait and see.