pregnancy test 4When I was 19, I had just broken up with my partner of 3 years and trying to find a way to curb the hurt and loneliness went home with a complete stranger from the local club. What was to be a one night stand turned out to be so much more. I fell head over heals for this boy and he the same for me. things moved fast but everything felt right i had never felt this strongly about anyone even though we had only been together a couple of months. but only a month after that things were changing, he was becoming distant on occasions and not the Sean i knew so well.

I was in his bedroom one night whilst he sleep. his phone kept ringing and he didn’t wake to answer it, but keeping my nose out of his business I didn’t answer it. what came next was such a shock, his ex turned up and claimed him and her had never broken up. a million things ran through my head. I left the room and waited outside so they could talk and what seemed like years passed. she finally came out and said he was in the shower. he followed about 10 minutes later and announced they were back together and he was going to town. he left me on his driveway with no transport in the middle of the night completely distraught.  

 i found out a week later that I was pregnant with his child, I arranged a time to speak to him about everything. it didn’t go well he denied it was his and told me he was infertile. i left that day feeling so alone I couldn’t tell my mum she wouldn’t understand. my friends were not supportive bar 1. I was so lost so confused the only thing that kept me going was knowing that i had a child I could love growing inside me. Sean contacted me again and accused me of making up that I was pregnant to keep him he told me I was childish and it wasn’t going to work and for him to believe me I needed proof. this was easier said than done. I asked my doctor who just looked at me oddly. I brought Sean my appt card for an ultrasound scheduled for the next day. and to my shock he turned up.

Everything changed once he saw the scan, once he knew i was telling the truth. he held me for so long whilst I cried and cried, I stayed at his house the next few days and ran through our options. he was so supportive he promised to be there for me whatever I decided to do. finally things seemed to be getting easier. I decided straight away I couldn’t abort this baby, it meant more to me than anything else in my life at that time. But sadly the reaction Sean had when i told him wasn’t quite what I had expected, I had never seen him so mad. I yelled back to defend myself but really achieving nothing. it only got worse from there he threatened to take me to court to prove that I would be an unfit mother he told me he would make my life hell and that i was making a huge mistake. but once again he came round and calmed down. I told my mother Christmas day probably not the best of days I know, and she wanted me to abort as well. it really felt like the whole world was my enemy.

between mum and Sean i was forced into an abortion. I told the counselor the whole story and how it wasn’t what i wanted i wanted to let my baby live. she wouldn’t allow the abortion and i was so relieved, but it didn’t take long before I was forced to attend another appt and told i had to lie to get that abortion. I wanted to run away to leave for a different country and never look back but i didn’t have the resources I was stuck in a black hole. I had to go to the 2nd appt and lie to the counselor. once everything was approved Sean promised to stay by my side and be there for me through everything. i didn’t sleep for days prior and was made to stay at Sean’s the night before so he could take me in the morning. I refused to get out of the car and grabbed hold of anything I could like a stubborn child but I was dragged crying into the clinic. it was cold in there, there was no love in the air everyone and everything was silent. there was no turning back and nothing i could do, I told the nurse I didn’t want to go through with it and she said your just scared. I was trapped with no way out i didn’t know what to do with myself. I was given a tablet to start the process and that was the end. the pain was indescribable mentally and physically it was all over very quickly and my memory is hazy. but Sean dropped me off home where my mother greeted me with all done!! I was mortified and ran to my room. Sean promised to come back after work and see how i was but he didn’t turn up i rang him and he was at a party with his new girlfriend. I should have known he was only promising to be there until he got what he wanted.

i stayed in my room for weeks literally I felt so alone, I lost 20 kilos and was skin and bone, I wanted my life to end, i felt i didn’t deserve to live i had taken the life of my baby why should i deserve to be on this earth.

its been 2 and a half years now, and I still don’t forgive myself. I still don’t forgive him but more so myself because I’m sure if i was stronger I could have found support and changed what happened. having the abortion took such a toll on my life and it still does in so many ways. I don’t talk about my story even my best friends don’t know what happened and I don’t think I will ever tell them. this is the first time I’ve written about it.

i wish for anyone who is in to a similar situation to what i was to follow there hearts and don’t be pressured into something you don’t want to do.

learn from my mistakes 🙂