pink shirt against wallI look back on that day and really think of how much of a fool I was.  To think that I would just forget about it and move on with my life was just a dream. It is still and will always be there.  I aborted my unborn child, and no one close to me knows.

I went to the clinic by myself.   I drove the 45 minutes there and back.  I walked past the protesters that walked up to my car to tell me I was a murderer.  I walked the walk of shame opening the doors to my reality.  The whole time not shedding a tear.  Just staring at the other girls feeling worse for them then myself.  I talked to a girl that was 15 weeks along.  She was already showing.  I was “lucky” because I was only 6 weeks.

I found out I was pregnant on a Monday and was in the clinic that Wednesday.  I wanted to just get it over with.  And that’s what I did.  I laid back on the bed and stared at the butterflies and flowers on the ceiling.  Waiting for everything to just be over.  The doctor commented on my not making any sounds and I just closed my eyes waiting to get off of the horrible table.  I walked down the hallway to the recovery room where other girls were sobbing and doubled over in pain.  I didn’t want the juice or crackers that the nurses offered me.  I just wanted to leave.  She told me I could go after changing and I wanted to run out of there.  As I was leaving that girl that I had talked to had her blanket up to her nose sobbing her heart out.  As I walked past her I reached for her hand and squeezed it.   We looked at each other with the look that we had made the biggest decision of our lives and it was never going to be the same again.  And it never has been.  I still think about all of those girls that were in the clinic with me that day.  How are they dealing with it all now?  Does it go away or stay with you forever?  Do they wonder what life would be with our children?  I know I do.  I wonder if he/she would have looked like me or the father.  I look in his eyes every morning and see our child.  A child that I’ll never meet.  A child that I’ll never hold.  A child I’ll never kiss.  But it is a child that I will always love with all my heart and I wish I could bring you back to me.  I’m sorry I was weak and selfish.  I’ll never forgive myself and will always miss you.