If I would have known the severity of what I was going to do to myself and my life 4 months ago, I would have stood up for us. If I would have been able to be alone for 5 minutes and really look at what was happening, I would have stood up for us. If I would have been able to see what my life is like without you, I swear I would have stood up for us.
“Waking up to a flat stomach every morning is killing me. “Coming across my period every month, is killing me. Popping another pill that keeps me farther and farther away from you everyday, is killing me. And seeing everyone else who was strong enough to say that they WILL be a mommy, is killing me.
The abortion back in November wasn’t my idea — it was my mom’s, and my dad’s, and my aunt’s, and my sister’s, and my boyfriend’s. Everyone else’s but MINE. I was so suffocated by everyone saying NO, I was so exhausted with trying to speak up and so defeated by being silenced, I just gave in.
It was the worst time to let myself fall, because now, I just keep falling.
I didnt expect this to go on the way it has, I knew it was going to be hard for a while, but I thought things would get better, and they don’t. It seems to always get worse.
As the time passes I miss you more, I wonder about you more, and I resent them all for being the hands pushing me to do what I did.
Everyday I wonder how things would have been now. I would have been 6 months pregnant I would know whether I’d be naming you Raymond or Aubrey, depending on whether you would have been a boy or girl. I’d still be at the same high school, I would just have a big belly that your godmother Mariah would never be able to take her hands off of.
I wouldn’t be so alone at night. I’d be eating healthy, and not doing the things I have been doing with my body and my life ever since I let them take you away. I would be complete, instead of the scattered mess I have become.
I miss you so much, I know I only had you for 6 weeks, but if only you could see how much not having you has changed my life. I wish for you eveyday. I hope you will come back soon. I am ready to stand up for us. I may be young, but I can be the best mommy in the world.
I just wish I knew that 4 months ago.