red shirt flowersI honestly feel that I just need to write everything I’ve been through these past 9 months.  I know I’ve been going through all the other girls’ blogs, reading them, taking it in, I can only hope someone will stop and read my story, just so they know they’re not alone.

Ten very long months ago, I met a boy who I fell head-over-heels in love with.  It seemed that we couldn’t find anything we didn’t have in common, we were two puzzle pieces that fit together perfectly.  We decided to express our love in certain ways, and why not? What did we have to lose?

The harder we fell in love, the more selfish he became of me, I admit, it actually felt good to me that he didn’t want me hanging out with friends, or talking to other guys, or going out without him period.  I felt really wanted and really protected, even if it got annoying sometimes.

So December came, and I realized something wasn’t right.  I was pregnant.  The first thought in my mind was this was a joke, but it wasn’t.  I had a little baby growing in my stomach. My boyfriend and I stole his mom’s pregnancy test to make double sure, it said it would take 3 minutes to give a result and in less than 60 seconds the big, awful dreaded word PREGNANT appeared on the stick.  I was devastated, but at the same time, I didn’t cry, I just hugged my boyfriend and he told me everything was going to be okay.

I knew what I had to do. We both knew.  We were young, we couldn’t have a baby.  I had a great music career going for me, I was going to be great! I wasn’t going to let some little… fetus ruin that for me.  My boyfriend agreed, having this baby would tear us apart and ruin our lives, maybe if we were older, but now wasn’t the time.  So we told my best friend and asked if she would help in punching me until the baby was gone.  She said yes, but backed out and actually told people what we were planning, she was officially off my friend list.

Throughout December and January, I was vomiting randomly and dozing off at any chance I got.  My boyfriend and I both did our homework and looked up abortion clinics.  Unfortunately for me, Nebraska didn’t have any abortion clinics that would perform without parental consent.  We looked at Kansas, Iowa, etc. but still no luck… One night I snuck over to his house and we spent the whole night talking about the situation.  We talked about what we would name the baby, I talked about how I had a feeling it was a boy, and what our lives would be if we did keep him.  For the first time throughout my whole pregnancy, I wanted to keep him.  I broke out into tears and asked why this happened to me, my boyfriend held me and told me it’d be okay…

Eventually it got to the point where it was March and we needed to do something quick.  My boyfriend, who loved me very much, said he would punch me if that’s what it took to get rid of the baby.  I agreed, but it was half-heartedly.  As each day went by he’d push me to go out drinking and get hammered or something or we’d talk about me smoking as many cigarettes as I can and when the time came for me to do it, for some reason I backed out.  I was too tired, I wasn’t ready, it can wait until next week.  I always had an excuse.  Something kept me from following through with those decisions.

Not even my boyfriend knew that every night I’d cry about not being able to keep my baby.  I go to a catholic school, so I was very pro-life but when I became pregnant I gave myself enough reason and enough denial to make the excuse to abort or intentionally miscarry.  What the problem was, was in 7th grade, my religion teacher would spend hours and hours talking about how bad abortion is.  He showed our little 12 year old eyes pictures of aborted babies and he’d yell at the top of his lungs in class how wrong it is to kill an innocent life.  Every time I thought about my baby, it was that teacher that popped up into my head.  It was as if he knew 4 years from then, I was going to think about aborting my baby.  I finally realized, I couldn’t go through with it.  I would keep it a secret from my school and family as long as I could.

So I spent the last 2 months of school fighting with my boyfriend and constantly worrying about someone finding out.  I still did normal things, like play tennis, etc. and I got through school without anyone actually knowing.  Until the last 3 days of school.  I was called into the office by the school nurse, she wanted to talk, and I hadn’t seen her in a long time so I figured it was about my physical.  She told me her friend saw me at State Tennis wondering how far along I was.  No matter how many times I denied I was pregnant, she rolled her eyes and said, “You need to tell me the truth”.  Eventually I cracked (30 minutes later), and she said that we’d have to tell my parents, for the baby’s sake, and I agreed, as long as my parish priest would be there. So the 2nd to last day of school, I told them, and it was probably the worst moment of my life.  To watch the strongest man on earth, my father, who could endure anything, react the way he did was devastating to me.  I saw his heart break through his two blue eyes, and I was just so embarrassed to be his daughter.  I felt like such a disgrace.  My parents took it as any protective Catholic parent would.  No more boyfriend, no going out.  I was to stay out of the public eye at all times because they didn’t want me to deal with the judgemental people of our town.  I resented them for it at first, but now I guess I’m grateful.

For the past 4 months I’ve been praying that my baby’s father would be there when I had him.  He told me he would, and that everything’d be okay.  So I was happy to know he was there still.  Halfway through, he broke.  He started smoking pot, lied to me about it, cheated on me, lied to me about that too, and I honestly don’t know what else, and honestly i’m scared to find out.  My heart broke into a million pieces.  This is the one guy that I had been fighting to keep in my life, and to know while I was stuck suffering by myself while he was out partying with other girls and not giving one second’s thought to me, crushed me.  I resented the fact that my baby was going to have his eyes and dimples.  I was so mad for letting myself get in this mess.  I just wanted to kill myself.

I realize now that my boyfriend wasn’t there for me at all through this.  He was willing to sacrifice a lot for “us” but I didn’t realize he was actually sacrificing ME.  I realized that this isn’t who my baby’s going to look up to as a father, and that I can do all the things by myself.

I think there’s a reason why women are the ones who get pregnant, and not men.  Simply because men aren’t strong enough to handle it.  I think women have the power to take over the world, our only set back is that we think with our hearts and not our heads.  Men think with their heads, just not the right one!!!

I’m ready to do this by myself.  I’m excited to be the mommy of a little boy.  It took me NINE MONTHS to realize who was there for me and who wasn’t.  It took me NINE MONTHS to realize that this little boy who doesn’t even have the concept of right or wrong or morals or any of that was the one who stuck with me through it all.  He fought to stay, and i’m glad I didn’t take away his choice to life.  I always thought it was me and my boyfriend’s story, but really, all along, it was me and my baby’s.