My name is Kara, I’m 18 and I had an abortion exactly a week ago. It was the worst decision of my life. I hammered it into my head that abortion was for the best, and that a baby would be too much of a hassle. I can’t even describe the pain I’m in which I’m sure some of you also feel. I would give anything to have my baby back…
It is like there’s an emptiness inside of me that can never be filled. My mom has tried talking to me and she’s been supportive but some people are good at talking and giving advice and some people kind of just say the same generic thing over and over using different words.
I’ve tried talking to my boyfriend and you said that I really just need to put it behind me, but that is really hard when you have a hole being eaten in your heart. I decided to look up information because I havn’t been sleeping and need something to do and I found a video on youtube that really made me cry which I guess it was my fault for looking but it was a video of an abortion through an ultrasound view. Almost none of the pictures were of a whole baby and it said that sometimes the baby’s heart is still beating when its being sucked through the tube…I’m sorry if this is to graphic but that made this so much more painful for me. I’m on the verge of being depressed i’ve given up on my friends the ones that I thought I could trust but it turns out I couldn’t because they told other people after I asked and asked them not to.
I am so ashamed and disgusted with myself it was just a little tiny innocent baby I was only 7 1/2 weeks pregnant but it still looked like a human and had a heart beat and was just learning to swim and kick infact i’ve come to learn that their really active…and I killed it. I will never have another baby like it it was unique I don’t even deserve to have a baby…I could never do this again no matter what if someone offered me 400 million dollars I wouldn’t do it…I just wish I would have had this same state of mind before…I would have been due february 19th I feel like maybe i’m being overdramatic but I just can’t ever seeing myself being over it….It was living inside of me! It was alive…was and I took its life it was counting on me to protect it from harm and I murdered it…I can’t even live with myself I just want to sleep for a really long time…I can’t even sleep for more than 2 hours.
I can’t look at pregnant women or watch baby comercials or movies about babies and if I hear a suction vaccum it tears me apart and I start hyperventilating…I just need someone to talk to…anyone actually honestly I need a hug from someone and for them to tell me things will get better you can’t take back what you’ve done but it will get better I promise…maybe thats just asking to much…and to add to this pressure my boyfriend is already starting to ask for sex and I decided today that maybe it won’t bother me…well I was wrong it felt horrible and I started crying hysterically…I don’t know what to do…someone please help me