i am 17 and four months pregnant and i have not yet been to the doctors. For the last four months i have been contemplating on having an abortion. I wanted an abortion because i was afraid of what other people might think. It is my senior year and i didn't want to go to prom and graduation looking like a blow up balloon.I was afraid that i wouldn't be able to support the baby and that my mom and dad would hate me. To make the situation worst i live with guardians and not my real parents. Everytihng that i do wrong their solution is to send me away.
I was pregnant once before when i was reaped by a guy on my job. I didn't tell anyone but my boyfriend that i was raped and might be wit child. I had been raped several times before then and had never said anything about it. But being with child i had no choice. When i told them they tried to force me into getting an abortion and decided ater the school year was over i would go live with my real Dad.
I decided that i wasn't going to have an abortion because regardless of how the baby got there it was a gift from GOD. I had planned to give it up for adoption because i didn't want to see the face of my rappest when i looked at my child. Even though adoption was going to be hard for me i had to do something.
When i was two going on three months i had a misscarrige. It was the worst thing that could have ever happened. I cried for weeks on end about it. My boyfriend was there every step of the way. He promised me that when i had a child that it would be special. Having his own child already at the age of 18 i believed him. HIs son is his pride and joy.
This time i am pregnant by him and i didn't feel as if it was special at all. before i was with child him and i got into an argument that ended our relationship. He got with someone eles shortly after and she was 24. When we were togeather he told that she was his "cousin". Later on i found out that she wasn't really his cousin but his cousins best friend. it broke my heart when i found out that she was staying the night at his house and that they took pics togeather.
to make a long story short him and i got back togeather at the end of december. By the end of january i knew that i was pregnant and i was happy.
One day i was going to my business class and i heard a guy yelling to a girl out of a car "go head sexy with ya bad self". When i turned to look it was him my suppost to be boyfriend. He had dropped this girl off. when he seen me he had on the dumb face. I smiled and continued to walk and could only think about my unborn child. I didn't want to deal with him anymore. I was hurt and decided that i wanted to have an abortion. I told him that i was with child and was having an abortion and that was the end of the conversation.
In my mind i knew that i shouldn't punish my unborm child. So for months i contemplated on what i was going to. I didn't have the money for an abortion. So i started hitting myself in the stomach. I also would drop weights on it and other dumb things.
One day during school my babies father told me that he wanted me and the child to stay and that he was sorry for all that he had done.
I stopped hitting myself but i still haden't gone to the doctors. afraid that they might tell me about all the damage that i had done. Also afraid that my guardians would find out.
Just the other day i found out that along with me the "cousin" that he was dating only for three months was also pregnant. My heart was crushed, the first thing i did was hit myself in the stomach. I didn't want my child to be his third child and be treated like sloppy seconds. I didn't want anyone to know that i was pregnant by such a jerk. all i could do was cry.
Now being almost four months abortion was no longer an option. Even though he wants i t and is willing to take care of it i wanted a family. This just wasn't what i exspected. What was he thinking?  how many months was she? Had he just found out about this or had he known the whole time? why was she a 24 year old having sex with an 18 year old anyway? My life is in ruins. most of all How is he an 18 year old going to take care of 3 children with no job?  
ALL these questions began to run through my head. I felt sorry for me and my child. I thought by hitting myself i would end the childs pain and mine. I didn't want to deal with the situation that set before me. The man that i loved and planned to marry had screwed me over once again. the girl he screwed me over with is now about five months pregnant with his child.
Currently i am still four months but i have decided that i want my child. I am scared that it might already be dead or that it will come out with defects. I have been so stupid and selfish. I might have ruined the onlything that i live for. I have always wanted a child and i might have killed it with my own hands. My heart is shattered. I can't stop crying.
I started looking for a job abd a house. I go to the doctors sometime this week for the first time. I can only hope that my child is ok and that the damage i have done can be undone. If anyone out there is going through the same thing please i encourage you to not do what i have done. I regret it everyday, hopefully GOD will give me another chance to make this right with or without my childs father. I PRAY THAT NO ONE MAKE THIS MISTAKE EVER AGAIN.
 Love unforgiveable