white shirt on beachSo this is my story:

I met my boyfriend April 2, 2005 one day at a public ice skating session. I fell in love with him the moment I layed eyes on him. We started dating April 24th, 2005. I was still a virgin when I met him and never planned on losing it too quickly. He felt the same way. We were both waiting for that “one” person we believed was right for us. Well…it was him.

I found out I was pregnant in early September. I had no idea what was happening to my body, just that I felt terribly sick. Every morning would be a new sickening feeling I couldn’t begin to describe. I never experienced anything like it…I believe now I would be able to tell if I was pregnant right away if I ever had to endure that feeling again.

I was puking every morning. Broccoli made me sick along with so many other smells. I slept constantly and had mood swings on a daily basis. “I’m pregnant”, wasn’t even a thought. Now I realize it should have been.

I admit it, my boyfriend and I were not smart at all. One day I sat my boyfriend down and told him, “I think I’m pregnant.” I remember his face as if it was yesterday. Pure shock and disbelief. We held each other and cried for a good couple hours.

My boyfriend and I who never cheated on each other, never fought, was extremely happy and everything…we believed we didn’t deserve it. Not compared to the teenagers nowadays that have sex with fifteen different partners in a year. Anyways, I went to the store and got a test. Fifteen bucks to determine whether or not you were carrying another life in you. I waited one morning at home before school and took the test. My hands were shaking so bad when I saw the strip — I was pregnant. I had to grip the bathroom sink to stop myself from falling over. I called my boyfriend and told him the news.

The decision.

Well, we sat and talked about it. We both agreed we didn’t want anyone knowing that didn’t need to. I had always been against abortion before this. Always thought it was heartless and murder. But at that particular point in time, I was for it.

He didn’t want to have it. He never told me I couldn’t but… I didn’t want to ruin his life or at least feel like I would have ruined his life and mine. So we agreed, abortion. Now how to go about it?

My mom had no idea, so finally one day when she asked me why I was missing so much school I broke down and started crying. The night before I had talked to my grandma and she told me to tell her because she went through the exact same thing and would understand. So thats exactly what I did. I cried my eyes out, told her how stupid I was and that I was pregnant.

She held me and cried too. I felt like I let everyone down — myself, my boyfriend, and my mom. I thought I would be fine having the abortion I felt like it was the right thing to do and the only choice.

The day came. I went to the clinic. Not a comforting sight walking in there. I talked to my boyfriend up til I passed out from the pills they gave me. “The tube inserted, the clenching feeling, and it was over in minutes. In minutes, I wasn’t pregnant anymore. In minutes, I had just killed a life.”In minutes, I was considered a murder to thousands. But at that particular time, I was fine.

Doctors gave advice to seek therapy, but I was much stronger than that. So I said, “no” and went on with my life like as if it didn’t happen.

Well now, almost a year and some odd months later, I can honestly say I hate myself. I see a baby and I have to clench my fists and bite my tongue to keep myself from crying and breaking down into a million peices. It completely ruined my life.

Everyone told me having it would have been to difficult but right now the way my life has ended up so far, it hasn’t been much of the picnic they described without it.

I ended up ditching friends, becoming extremely emotional, depressed. I fought all the time with my boyfriend and we ended up breaking up.  I quit my sports and grades slipped and in the end almost killed myself.

“Before the abortion, I was the happiest girl alive.”

Yet, my boyfriend doesn’t seem to believe me. He says I use it as an excuse for my behavior. It hurts so much that he doesn’t know what I went through for us. For us — so we could both go to college without having to worry about whose babysitting. So we could just be normal teenagers and stuff. He says he understands but its so hard to believe him because it doesn’t seem to phase him at all.

I cry and cry for hours, every once in a while, because I feel like I can’t cope with it anymore. People say I just need to deal with it. But how can they say that not knowing what I went through?

The best thing my boyfriend said was — I know people that had abortions and they got over it in a month. Like as if I was insane for still feeling depressed a year later for ending what could have been my child’s life. Or, I guess as he sees it, a bunch of cells.

I feel so lost sometimes and as if I have no one to talk to about it because either the person has heard the story from me or just doesn’t want to hear it. I just dont know anymore.

I guess the best advice I can give anyone is — don’t have an abortion. I made a mistake.