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December 15, 2006 at 5:55 am #13947perfectJem
I started going out with my ex in april 2005, overall we had a great relationship. We had a few small tiffs like any couple, but nothing major until this year whenI made the huge mistake of breaking up with him in may. At the time I was worried that he was begining to go off me and I was so scared of getting hurt that I broke up with him (stupid I know). Shortly afterwards I received an email from him telling me how much he loved me and wante dme back. it was a beautiful letter. his email made me rethink things and soon after I began seeing him again just as a friend-not wishing to rush things and ruin them again. Everything seemed to be going well and it was obvious that he still wanted to be with me so about early July we got back together. For a time we were very happy apart from the fact that pre arranged events meant that we couldnt spend as much time together as we had wanted. Then while I was away for a week I found out that I was pregnant- this came as a big shock as when we went to the doctors they informed me that i was 3 months pregnant. Up until then my periods hadnt stopped and I hadnt had any other symptoms which is why I hadnt even suspected it. At first I considered an abortion as it was what my boyfriend wanted, but I couldnt go through with it. A week or so after I’d decided this he broke up with me. He was crying and telling me he loved me so much but he wasnt ready to be a father- mainly because he feels that he is too young (20) and just wanted me not the baby as well. He kept begging me to have an abortion and telling me that we could start over and that he’d be there for me, do anything to keep me.
We didnt see each other for about a month after this, but when we did see each other he told me that he didnt love me anymore. I know you may think I’m foolig myself here but I know it wasn’t true as he’d told a friend of his the nigth before that he still loved me ut didnt want the baby adn his friend told me this as he felt I deserved to know the truth. I’m not sure if he thought that saying it would make it easier for him to leave if I believed that he didn’t love me. After this we began seeing each other regularly again and soon ended up as a couple, but it wasn’t official. I was at his every weekend ad we started sleeping together again. He still maintained that he didnt love me anymore, but just by the way he was with me it felt like he was fooling himself- maybe because hes scared of commitment? I wondered if it was just about sex for him but soon realised that it wasnt: he was always hugging me and pulling me close to him-even in public and even rubbed moisturiser into the bump( which was quite big by then) without being asked. Then I went to spain with my family for a week, when I got back I was addmitted to hospital as i was bleeding and they were worried that there could be a problem- luckily there wasn’t and I was released the next day. I then phoned him to arrange our plans for the weekend and he told me that he didnt realise i was already out of the hospital and that he’d been planning to come to see me that afternoon( my mother had only phoned him that morning to let him know).
When I arrived at his house the next day we sat down to watch a film andwhen I went to sit down he pulled me close to him and told me repeatedly how much he’d missed me while he was away. Although he said he still wasnt happy about the baby he was lovely to me and genuinly seemed to love me as much as ever. Later that weekend he even iniciated a conversation about baby names with no encouragement. Unfortunately he had a few big arguments with his mother ( who hes always had a rocky relationship with) which upset him a lot and added even more stress to the situation. I was due to go home that night for a meal with friends and on the way back he asked me if it was ok to pick me up afterwards and for me to stay with him for another day, which I agreed to. i cant help but think if he didnt still love me and genuinly wanted nothing to do with me he wouldnt still want me around like this. The weekend after that while I was at his house he seemed to want to be with m,e more than ever: when i went to go to do something else he’d beg me to stay and spend time with him; and while i was checking my email on mymyspace account he pinted out that my profile said i was single in a light way but seemed quite hurt by this. When he took me home a few days later after yet another fight with his mum, he told me that he still didnt want to be with me and the baby, that he wishes i’d just had the abortion. I know how scared he is about being a father, could this fear possibly be blocking his true feelings? he seems so scared. He even admitted to his mum that when he first found out about the baby (before the fear and panic set in) he felt happy and excited. His parents only married because he was on the way and they eneded up having a very nasty divorce. I think he worrries that the same thing would happen to us if we stayed together but as I tried to explain to him, we’re different people and ar not going to rush into anything. He’s only ever seen the negative outcomes surrounding teenage/early twenties parents and cant seem to get past this fear.
He effectively finished hings with me before going to do his marines tests ( he has been planning to join then all year and the initial plan was for him to get posted to arbroath so we could still be together and eventually move in together). whn he returned from the tests he took me to a hospital appointment with me, but became angry afterwards because they did a scan and he said that he didnt want to see that. Is this because deep down he knows he doesnt want to lose me and the baby? surely if he just didnt want either of us, if he didnt care the scan wouldnt bother him either way.
I know we’re supposed to be together, it may seem silly, but ive known it since I first met him. We’d always talked about our future together, but i think because its happened out of the order we wished for this has frightened him and made him think it cant work. I know in my heart he still loves me, i’m very careful not to get hurt and I wouldnt put myself through this if i wasn’t sure he still loved me. His mother and friends believes he does, but is tryng to use it as an escape- a reason why he should leave.The baby is due in february. Do you think theres still hope for us? Will he come round when the babys born and he realises what he’s missing? Ive decide to give him some space and just not contact him to let him sort himself out, do you think thsi is a good idea?December 16, 2006 at 3:18 pm #13990Anonymous
Dear Perfect Jem,
Honey, I think you should go back and re-read your post about your boyfriend. Can you see the number of times your boyfriend has said he doesn’t want the baby and that he doesn’t love you? If a guy really loves a woman then he acts like he loves the woman and he tells her he loves her on a regular basis. That is true for just about every culture.
I am worried that you are making excuses for his behavior. If he wants to be a couple with you then he will tell you that and you will know it for sure. You won’t be wondering about it and you won’t "kinda" be together. It will be a very committed relationship for BOTH of you. He keeps telling you that he doesn’t want this baby, and he obviously doesn’t know if he wants to be with you. No matter what his parents were like and how they raised him, HE needs to be clear about what HE is going to do. Like it or not, he is a father NOW, because fatherhood doesn’t start the day of the birth. As my husband reminded me about an hour ago "Don’t read into what I say, I mean exactly what I said and nothing more". If he said it, then he meant it, no matter how much you (Prefect Jem) want the opposite to be true.
My greatest concern is that you are REALLY focused on this guy, who is NOT focused on you and the baby. Your primary thoughts, energy and time should be preparing for the birth of your baby. You MUST make decisions that are the best for the baby, and that means you MUST make decisions that are good for the baby’s mama (you)! You must be sure you have a plan for where you will live, how you will pay for baby expenses, who your baby’s doctor will be, who you will seek support from after the baby’s birth and the like. These decisions cannot be dependent on this guy, as he has showed himself to be unreliable the past four months. He MIGHT want to marry you and make a family with all three of you after the baby is born, but as he said "I’m not ready to be a father yet." and more likely based on his actions he will not want to be a part of your lives.
I know you will not like this reply, because it doesn’t support your hopes that your boyfriend will change his mind permanantly and become the husband and father you wish he would. I am so sorry honey, but that is just not what your post clearly points out. You must look at this situation clearly, without wishful thinking and make the best decisions for your baby, I know you will and I hope you have a wonderful birth. :cheer:December 19, 2006 at 7:28 am #14046Hermia2012
there are some things that IMAJACKSON that i agree with.. but well my first question is do you live in the USA.. and what part cause i know that where i live several guys say things that they dont mean… when they are scared and angry they will pop off and say things that are not true and that later that they dont believe that they really said.
but there are the guys that you can take for face value. and i dont want to judge your man but he might just be the scared and angry type or he might be the true kind. men can be really mean and confusing sometimes.
my other stance on this is that he might actually might have wanted you to get an abortion and when you didnt do it that made him feel like what he wants doesnt matter to you which could have set him off a little. which could explain the weird and confusing behavior.
and also it seems that everytime he gets in to a fight with his mother his attitude towards you changes. it almost seems that everytime you to get close to making up and getting back together him and his mother fight and she says something that may set him off and again…i dont really know.. but email me sometime that way we can talk..
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