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January 25, 2009 at 6:49 am #23900Anonymous
Usually I’d talk to my boyfriend about these things, but I feel like everyone would hate me if they knew this about me. I need to talk to someone.
I’ve lately felt like shaking my son hard so often. Of course I don’t and let myself calm down, but I’m scared that he’ll get hurt around me. I just feel like he’s too fragile for me to take care of and I’m too scared that I’ll hurt him. And I feel horrible and guilty about this, but I feel like I don’t really love him like I should. It doesn’t seem like he’s my son. I feel guilty when he’s with anyone but me, yet I don’t feel like taking care of him… I’m trying hard to control these emotions, but it’s getting really hard. And it’s not only him. With my boyfriend I have felt like he’s going to do something to hurt me and I feel like I can’t trust him anymore or that I don’t love him like I did. I don’t know. It’s so confusing about all of this. It just doesn’t feel real.
And the worst part is that I have had thoughts of taking my mom’s medication to see if it would hurt or kill me. I hate having those random thoughts pass me. They talked to me about the baby blues and said that it would pass when he’s 2 weeks but I just feel like I can’t handle these things much longer.January 25, 2009 at 9:16 am #23903Mommy2Kylie
You need to go and see a dr asap. it sounds like you are having PPD or post pardum depression. If you are feeling like that it would be a good idea to let someone know and try and have someone else twith you at all times. just in case things get unbearable. Your not a bad mom or anything so don’t think that, but you do need to get help. hope things gget better for you. Good luck.January 25, 2009 at 9:19 am #23904Meg11
What you are experiencing is POST PARTUM DEPRESSION and you need to tell your doctor ASAP…they will not judge you or treat you like you’re crazy, I cannot speak for your family members or your boyfriend but in the end it really doesn’t matter what they think about you, this is life or death for you and possibly others…how do I know? Well just a few months ago I was walking down the highway screaming at my husband (who by the way is the most wonderful and loving man in the world) telling him that if he didn’t quit following me that I was going to jump in front of a car…I walked out of the house and left my newborn daughter on the table in a bouncer seat and had just verbally torn down my niece and yelled at the other kids…why? Because of the something the school bus driver had said…ridiculous huh…I had no control over my thoughts or actions and I was miserable the thing is that this is the best my life has ever been and I have so many reasons to jump for joy but all I felt like doing was jumping off a cliff and taking all who made me feel that way with me….long story short I am now on Lexapro and vitamin D3 and I am sooooo happy that I made it this far without taking my life or someone elses….I was unable to cry, I mean physically get tears, PPD is the worst thing I have ever experienced besides my moms suicide…seriously honey you need to talk to your doctor they hear these things all the time, get a support team around you, set very simple priorities and say no to everyone who asks ANYTHING of you, this is the time for you to get back to normal after all the hormone changes that pregnancy and birth brings….PPD can hit up to like 2 years after your baby is born sometimes, it is a serious medical/hormonal issue, not so much mental….if you feel angry at your son do your best to hand him off and if no one else is with you make sure he is in a safe spot with a clean diaper and go in the other room or sit on the porch or something, it is ok for him to cry alone for 20 minutes if that is what saves the both of your lives…seriously…also you need to tell your mom when you are in a mellow state about the temptation you face with her medication and ask that she keeps them in a safe place where you cannot get to them so that if you get that urge you cannot access them…I do not keep anything in lethal amounts in my house, not even cold medicine…I am here anytime you need to talk or vent about this, I am there too, just currently medicated…hang in there and make an appt ASAP and if they cannot get you in soon enough and you feel like doing something harmful go tot he ER, emergency room…I mean it!!! This doesn’t mean you don’t love your son, this doesn’t mean you are a bad mom, it is just hormones and they are powerful ones…I am here…Love Meg, I will be praying for you sweetie…January 25, 2009 at 9:43 am #23905emeraldforestmyheartbro
Hi Autumn. it honestly sounds like you are suffering from post partum depression. Please, go talk to your family doctor asap. These things you feel are normal and you are not a bad mother, blame the horomones.
Please keep safe and if you ever feel like hurting yourself or someone else please tell your boyfriend or mom or someone you trust. Please stay safe. When i was 12 i went through a bad depression (im now 16 and on prozac) and i attempted suicide, and now I have to live with that choice. my arms, ankles, and shoulders are covered in disgusting scars. Whenever it is summer i am so ashamed to go to the beach or wear a tank top all because i had no one to talk to, so i ended up hurting myself. believe me when i say it is NOT WORTH IT you will regret it. Please get help soon, and take care. You can overcome this!
i am always here if you need to vent or talk my msn is firstname.lastname@example.org
-Enya <3January 25, 2009 at 10:27 pm #23908Anonymous
Thank you both. It just seems like I can’t have that. I don’t know why. I have my 2 week check-up tomorrow, but I don’t want to tell my doctor about it when my mom is in the room. And if I ask her to leave, what will she think? I mean I don’t know how to even tell my doctor this. Mostly these emotions hit at nighttime when no one is around me. I just start feeling so lonely and then get really angry at my son or boyfriend for it. I seem so normal in the daytime, I’m not even sure anyone would believe me. I don’t want people to think I’m just trying to get attention or something, but I don’t want to have to live with this because if it does get to a point that I can’t control myself, what am I capable of doing to my son? I hate feeling guilty. I’ve been sort of neglecting to do some things with my son like changing his diaper as often as I should, bathing him even twice a week, changing his clothes when they need to be changed, even feeding him has become a chore to me and I pull him off before he probably gets enough milk. That IS a bad mother…January 26, 2009 at 11:09 am #23911breathless
Hey girl, Yeah you have PPD, no biggy, I had the exact same scary feelings as you, it just happens to people sometime ok? Get a hold of your doctor and get into a PPD support group. I got through it and you will too, you’ll be ok sweetie.January 26, 2009 at 6:53 pm #23915liquidsunshine13
ok i honestly cant say i know how you feel because i havent had my baby yet, but my friends sister was the same..she was 18 when she had her baby and she said the night the baby was born she stood by a window holding the baby and wondered what would happen if she threw the baby out the window. Obviously she didnt do it and she loves her baby (who is now 2 or 3. But my point is you’re only young and its a huge responsibility and you’re only human to feel like its getting all on top of you.Just give yourself time to adjust and talk to your boyfriend, let him know how you feel, because maybe he feels the same? Even just talking to your mum or another relative may help, just so there aware of whats going on.. anyway i’m sorry i cant give any better advice than that..xxxxJanuary 26, 2009 at 9:48 pm #23916cesi
hey,dont feel bad about what u r feeling.but u do need to go to a doctor asap!cuz,u really dont want anything bad to happen like u might snap!and its never the babys fault.u just gotta be strong for ur self and ur baby its very good u r trying to find help an talk about what u r feeling.well i wish for the best for u an ur child.February 2, 2009 at 6:50 am #23960tracymom
Autumn this is post natal depression. Your mother has probably heard of it or knows about it. She will be concerned for you and your baby if you don’t get yourself treated. Just tell her BROOKE SHIELDS had it. She even wrote a book about it! check it up. You could hurt your son and you have to put him ahead of all your other feelings! PRAY! Have Faith. I have a feeling that pnd is related to the works of the devil. Don’t worry, you’re probablfeel like you’re crazy – I had a bit of it too! You’re not. Phone your doctor if you can’t tell him in person or go to another doctor. Or find a place on the net that could help you. You don’t have to explain how you feel or what your thoughts are, just say that you think you have post natal depression, okay. The doctor understands and has probably seen the condition before. Forget everything else, just get help for your babies sake and yours!February 13, 2009 at 11:44 pm #24138emeraldforestmyheartbro
Hey Autumn, how’re you doing? have you talked to your mom or doctor yet? Just know that we are all here for you on Stand Up Girl and we all wish the best for you. Keep us updated !!!
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