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April 14, 2007 at 9:14 pm #16853FrancesBeanMommy
I need some help….
My son’s father is kind of in the picture again. Well, we talk frequently and he says that he wants to come visit and all this stuff. And he is so super nice to me, like flirting w/ me and calling me all these terms of endearment that he used to call me when we were together. And I don’t know if he’s just messing w/ my head, or what, but I really still want to make things work and to be a family. But I’m afraid to say anything to him, because he’s not one to let anyone in on what he’s feeling. And I’m afraid that maybe he IS just screwing w/ me, and I’m going to be hurt all over again…..but I can’t just keep waiting on him forever. I think I’m afraid that the moment I move on and let go, that then he’ll want to make things right, and I won’t be able to make them work w/ him anymore. but oh gosh, I miss us so much.April 15, 2007 at 2:36 am #16857ericklirios
You’re in a very tricky situation and it really is quite difficult to determine why he’s doing what he’s doing. Honestly, when I got the chance years ago to flirt with my son’s mom so I could get free sex, I would. It felt quite good being in control and the freely given sex wasn’t so bad either. Fortunately for both of us though, we now find ourselves in our present situation — we are together trying to raise our family of one 12-year old boy and two young girls.
How can you tell? There’s no hard and fast way of doing this but you can try to invite him over to help you with the baby. Do this often and let him work like a dad and/or a husband should. Will he rather watch the tube or do the dishes? Will he take out the trash or mix formula? Will he leave diaper duties to you?
Oh, even if you really, really want to and your hormones seem to demand it, say no to sex. You know by now that sex muddled up your relationship before. It will again if you don’t know how to say "no". See how he reacts when you constantly refuse. Please do not use your body to reel him in. That never works. All it does is to make you an easy lay. Sorry to be harsh.
Have a look at how he reacts when your baby is acting up. Try to invite him over when you know he’ll be tired and see how he acts with all of you.
In my country’s history, a suitor was once expected to render labor to a woman’s family if he wanted to marry her. That was for one year and only then would the woman’s family determine if he really should be given a chance. That practice is all but gone now but it sometimes seems to make sense especially with more and more guys (I seldom use the word "men") showing themselves to be nothing more than big mama’s boys.
What we really need to find out here is if he really wants to be a father, husband or whatever and we need to know what that whatever is. You cannot allow yourself to be used in any way — physically, emotionally, psychologically, etc.
If he starts showing that he wants to share this experience with you and be responsible, then it may be a good idea to give him a chance but let him earn his place in not only your life but your baby’s life. All guys have a hard time being a father. I did. But as long as he shows the desire and, more importantly, the tenacity and faithfulness in this new role he seems to want to play, then he’s allowed a few mistakes. Even the best of the best basketball platers started with fumbling the ball.
Give him the benefit of the doubt because you and your baby deserve a chance at a life together. The question you need to answer now though is whether you will be sharing a life together.
Don’t fall prey to just wanting to have him back but don’t be too scared to welcome him back if he deserves it.
Whatever you decide though, always base your decision on what’s good for you and your baby.
Please take care of yourself and your baby and keep all of us here posted.
ErickApril 15, 2007 at 5:47 am #16862goodluckyall
This is probably going to be very hard to do, but my best advice would be to take it extremely slowly. When you first started out with him, was it a whirlwind thing? Did you really get to know each other? If it was fast and furious, as a lot of relationships are, maybe use this opportunity to get to know each other better, enjoy the flirtation, and solidify his commitment to your child as well. Even if you don’t get back together, you’ll at least be learning more about your child’s father. Keep in mind that moving on doesn’t necessarily mean getting involved with someone else immediately. So, why not take the time to "wait for him" a little longer, especially if you really miss your relationship? I hope things work out great, whether that means with him or on your own. If it doesn’t work out, take time to grow spiritually and emotionally before entering another relationship. You’re worth it!April 15, 2007 at 4:28 pm #16877Meg11
Well all I have to say is put him to the test…I got back together with my daughters dad when she was 3 weeks old (I even had a restraining order on him) I know exactly how you feel right now…with a new baby it feels like the two of you will have a fresh start and with all the distance you have had it is easy to forget what went wrong and it is easy to feel passionate and even tingly inside…well put him to the test….make him wait…DONT HAVE SEX WITH HIM… you could end up pregnant…and also it is easier to stand your ground if you are not in a vulnerable position (being emotionally attached during sex) if you dont have sex with him and he starts flaking out it will be easier to let him go….if he really wants to stay around for you and Kian then he will wait until you are married to have sex again…if he wont marry you and wait until then to have you in that way…then what does he REALLY want….I will be praying for you..stand strong and think of your baby boy…not having a dad around is better than having a bad influence and an unhealthy lifestyle in your home….for now let him be a dad but not a boyfriend…if he cant respect the fact that you need time (after all he did walk out for most if not all of your pregnancy) and he cant understand why he cant come and go as he pleases then he has alot more growing up to do before he would meet your maturity level and even come close to being worthy of your hand….let us all know if anything changes…Love and Prayers…Meg
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