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November 2, 2005 at 5:34 pm #9757Anonymous
Hello, My name is Jenni, and I’m 20 years old. I am 9 weeks pregnant, and my home life isnt going so well. I live with my boyfriend, and he’s an alcoholic that gets abusive quite frequently. We are going on one year, and he’s hit me most of that duration. Since I’ve been pregnant, he hasn’t stoped.
I live in California and I know there are lots of places I can go to, as far as shelters go, but how will I afford this baby financially? He supports me, and I work part time, and I dont have a vehical. I’m scared to death that if I leave, he will come after me to get custody of the baby, or kidnap her. I’m scared of him even getting visitation, because of his drinking.
So I have these questions….
Where can I go that dosnt cost anything?
I need financial planning of some sort…
How can I afford an attorney? things will get nasty….
I just need some help in figuring things out, and I have no one to go to.
I know I’ll be a good mother, but I dont know how to support the 2 of us…November 4, 2005 at 12:37 pm #9770nolals
Dear Jennie: Hi, I’m Nola. I’m 56 yrs. old (yeah, I know, old enough almost to be your grandma!) but………I was 19 once, ….and unmarried and pregnant. I was soooooo scared! I had left home right after graduation from high school, cuz my foster dad had just died, and my foster mom who had been abusive since I came there at 6 yrs old, was an alcoholic. I had been very controlled as a teen, by strict foster parents. So, when I left home at 18, I was ready to "strike it out on my own". I stayed with my older sister and got a job downtown at a bank. Then……….I met David. I "fell in love" and of course, had sex right off the bat. That was in October of 1967. By February the next year, I KNEW I didn’t want to be with that person, he was MEAN. Not hitting, like you’ve sufferd, but still made me feel small and dumb. I couldn’t see at the time, HE was the "dumb" one, as in……….HE still lived at home, went to Junior College, had support from his folks. Didn’t have to worry about money, and his folks paid for his car. I struggled paycheck to paycheck keeping my apartment and enough to eat. I broke up with him in Feb. of 1968, then, was getting sick the middle of April, found out I was pregnant. I was scared, to say the least. Back then, abortion wasn’t legal, so that wasn’t an option. I tried to keep it from David, telling my friends NOT to tell him. I just wanted to go on with my life, hoping God would help me through it. They didn’t even have pregnancy resource centers, or even Planned Parenthood, or I didn’t know about that, anyway! Long story short……David found ut. He DEMANDED I marry him, or he would find a way to take my baby away from me. I was scared of him. When we went to tell his folks, his mom asked why I didn’t want to marry him. I told her, and she asked him WHY would he want to marry someone who didn’t love him that way anymore? He said because it was "his" kid and he wasn’t going to ever let anyone else raise it.
Well, we got married that June and I suffered through 17 yers with a man I didn’t love like I had hoped to with a husband. We were good friends, but it just wasn’t the same as I saw with my friends who DID marry without all those problems, including an "instant" family. He ended up divorcing ME when his business went to the dogs, and the oldest two kids were teens, with a lot of pressure.
What I’m trying to get at is this: Somehow, someway things will work out for you, alone with your child. Please see that unless people really WANT to change, that they finally see how they’re hurting others with their abuse, they MUST. If we let them continue treating us as they do, we really, really, lose respect for ourselves. Not to mention putting our children in harm’s way.
Honey, It WILL WORK out!! That baby is a blessing………God WILL help you. Please look to HIM. Find a basic, bible-believing church, accept His Son Jesus as your Lord and Savior. Don’t worry about the "Yeah, but I can’t be perfect" stuff. HE takes us and leads us, slowly, into our lives here on earth and changes us from the inside-out. I will be praying for you! NolaNovember 4, 2005 at 4:53 pm #9777Anonymous
As I was reading your story I cried and cried. It is horrible that you were traped in a marrage with a man that you didn’t love. Marriage isn’t supposed to be a one person deal… The two need to love, and cherish one another.
I too, moved away from home when I was 18, and I was doing great for myself until I met him and he pretty much took everything from me. My independence, confidence, self esteem, happiness.. EVERYTHING. (he even caused me to total my car).
When I get upset about his drinking, he tells me that if I dont like it "The door’s right there". He dosnt care about my feelings, he dosnt care about me, he just cares about the alcohol. He told me that he will stop drinking when I start showing in a few months… Yeah Right.. Ever heard a drunk lie? It’s the funniest thing ever, they come up with the craziest storys…
Anyway, he knows that I have nowhere else to go, and no way to get there, so he can treat me as he wishes because he knows I wont leave. When I’m sleeping, he wakes me up telling me how he’s going to kill me, and how he wants to kill the baby inside me. He told me he will cut it out, or stomp on my tummy when I’m sleeping.
THIS IS NOT HOW I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE WITH MY BABY!
I ask God EVERY NIGHT what did I do to deserve this? And to please make it stop, I’m his child, He’s supposed to take care of me! He just watches and ignores my prayers.
Someday I will leave, and truely be happy with someone that loves me.
Nola, did you ever find your true love?
This is my baby at 9 weeks, taken saturday, oct. 30th. I saw the heartbeat, and it makes my heart melt. 🙂November 4, 2005 at 4:53 pm #9778Anonymous
k… It didnt go through…..November 5, 2005 at 8:17 am #9779Anonymous
i dont know much about HOW to go about this… but i do know there are shelters that offer pregnant women homes… there are also womens shelters, where they protect women who have been abused by their husbands, and i think they also include boyfriends… you might want to as a hospital, a church minister/priest, maybe a parent or someone else that you can trust and who would help you find a place to live.
if he kidnaps your child, he can get into A LOT of trouble. if he continues beating you while you are pregnant you run the risk of having a miscarriage. you NEED to get out ASAP.
i wish you the best of luck…November 5, 2005 at 10:48 am #9780Kit
If you are being physically abused by your boyfriend and he is threatening to kill you and/or your baby – you need to get out abd seek help ASAP for your sake and for the sake of your child!!!! You both deserve better and do not deserve to be hurt because of his abuse!!!
I would seek out a safe house or womens shelter for safety. Also I would seek help from a local crisis pregnancy center. They should be able to help you with emotional financial and possibly point you in the right direction to find legal support to obtain a protection order against your boyfriend. I don’t know the numbers specifically for California but if you go to http://www.pregnancycenters.org or call their help line at 800-395-HELP they may be able to direct you to someone that can help you.
You could always apply for medicaid and WIC to help out also. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here. Do not stay with your boyfriend. Even if you think that you love him. Get out – be safe!!! Good luck.
KateNovember 27, 2005 at 3:02 pm #9908Anonymous
Hi, I’m 16 and 5 months pregnant and I’m kindove in the same situation your in. I didn’t live with him I still live at home. I thought he was the love of my life. I know this sounds stupid since I’m only sixteen, what do I know. He was so sweet at first we were togeather for six months. He was 18 years old and he also had a problem. He was abusive verbally and once phisically.He not only drank he would get angry he would act crazy and scream and throw things. It got worse, it turned into a every day thing. I would claim I would leave him,but he would cry.I would go crawling back.He would come up with all these threats to harm me if I left him. I had to escape from all this I was miserable, that love I felt for him was gone. The last time i saw him I told him I don’t deserve this.Our baby doesn’t deserve this ,you will never change.This isn’t about me anymore I’m having a child and I don’t want this to be his life.This was four months ago,I still have that fear to that he is around that corner or waiting for the perfect time. I’ve changed my number and never tried to reach him. I tell myself I have to protect my baby from him, and I know I will do everything in my power to keep my baby safe.It is so hard to except that you will be alone, like I said ANYHTING IT TAKES.December 2, 2005 at 9:31 am #9933nolals
Dear Jenni: I would like to talk with you. The others who wrote to you gave you great advice!! What happened with me when my ex was divorcing me was that he STAYED……….as in the basement? And he would have the two youngest kids, ages 6 & 8, sleep downstairs with him……..telling them that mom was "mean" and wanted to kick him out!! I didn’t want to hurt them or put them through MORE emotional trauma, so I put up with it for 6 months. Again, he had total MENTAL control over me!!
He didn’t have to hit me……..his mental abuse was frightening enough…….and I think HE knew that if he ever DID hit me, I would go after him big time legally. He at least could control THAT about himself.
I’m hoping that by now, you’ve TAKEN ACTION!! I am hoping you and your unborn is safe right now!! I will pray for you.
ANOTHER THING!! NO, NO, God isn’t IGNORING you……..He will bring you through, but you must physically get up and leave, if you haven’t already. He will open door s for you, but you must step out in faith.
I was so beaten down emotionally, that by the time I finally mustered up the courage to get a restraining order against him, and have him thrown out, I had my girlfriend holding my hand on the sofa, to give me strength, while the Police stayed and monitored that he didn’t take anything out of the house that wasn’t HIS. It was embarrassing, my whole neighborhood was outside watching. I told him: "Even if I lose the house, even if I’m on the curb, begging with my kids, it will be BETTER than here with you abusing me!!" That broke the whole river of anger, resentment, and all. It kind of scared him, too. I had no education, no job, no nothing. NOW, I am an R.N., Have my own house for 17 yrs now. I’ll tell you more later, but God has blessed me, even though I made a couple more really dumb mistakes since that time. Bless yu honey! Nola
Post edited by: SweetTea, at: 2005/12/03 00:24December 13, 2005 at 3:16 am #9982Anonymous
Look I know what your going threw and I know you’ve probably got the answers by now but I had to respond to tell you that the next time he hits you, you must call the police and write a statement on him. The police will help you find shelter. Get a restraining on him and save as much money as possible. Having made a report the judge if you go to trial will not give the baby to a alcoholic abuser. Do you know what I mean? I’m 20 years old and will have my baby in 12 weeks. I’ve had the same boyfriend for 6 years and yes in the past he has been abusive, not the slap across the face a actual beating and because I was scared to report him and get away I am now having his child. He has not put his hands on me in about a year but that is no excuss I should of been gone long ago. I couldn’t emagine him hitting me while I’m pregnant. Your guy has problems that needs to be addressed. I told my guy I was gone if he didn’t go to counseling. He went. He had no drinking or drug problems, he was just extremely jealous. I couldn’t talk to any guys, now it’s alittle different. But do something because you will be the one feeling guilty if he hurts the baby.
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