Please dont judge me! I have no one to talk to

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  • #26926
    AvatarSplash288

    🙁 I dont really know where to start. My heart is thudding in my chest as I type, because I am so worried at the replies I may recieve. I am not sure I can cope.

    I need to start this by opening up and briefly telling you who I am. I am a 25 year old lost female.
    I live my aunt who has brought me up since the age of 10. My mother was a drug addice and my step father didnt accept me as I was not his own blood. I do not remember a loving family home from my parents. EVER. And to this day I still struggle with that feeling of being unwanted. Rejected even. I live with that every single day.

    My aunts brought me up. They saved me from care homes. They took me in and really tried there best. They are both strict catholic and tried to install values and good in me. They always put me first.

    Since one of my aunts passed away I have felt the loss in my life a million times worse. I struggle day to day about her passing. The two aunts have only ever been the 2 people in my life who made me feel “worthwhile”. Half of my support is gone now and I have struggled with her death since 2004 when she left us.

    Anyways…. In my aunts memory I have tried to turn my life around and make her proud of me. I want to do good with my life and make her efforts and her sacrifices worth while.
    When she died I went off the rails and wanted to feel loved again, I got in tow with a nice lad and I just wanted him to love me. I fell pregnant, and decided that this was it. I would have someone to love me unconditionally. I was going to keep this baby. I told my family. No one was that happy about it. I was 21 with no prospects and living in a flat i could not afford to pay rent on. My partner was also struggling after being made redundent and my course I was attending became insignificant to me. I dropped out. My aunt was devestated at my stupidity and reminded me of the situation. I was pregnant and had nothing to support this child. She went as far as to say my dead aunt would be so disappointed in me and that I had no idea of what being a mother was, and most importantly I was letting history repeat iself. I thought about this and went into severe depression. I could not even face getting up in the morning and eventually with the support of my aunt I terminated the pregnancy. Vowing never to do this EVER again. AND that I would turn my life around.
    (Please dont judge me)
    So here i am 2010. I have just found out I am 7 weeks pregnant. I was on the pill and also took emergency contraception (I had a viral infection that I worried the medication could alter my pill so, the only time i had intercourse my doctor arranged the emerg contraceptive) I took it, no side effects. I thought everything was ok.
    I missed a period.
    I am 25 now. I am half way through my nursing degree at university. I still live with my aunt, who is sooooo proud of what i am doing with my life now and life was looking more positive. TILL THIS.

    I have been with this guy for 1 year and a half almost. He is 28. The relationship has not been exactly healthy and we fight and split up almost on a weekly basis.
    He came home from being away for 10 years in Ireland after he met me, and for one year was unemployed. This year saw him stay at home rent free. He had a lot of time on his hands and he made my life hell with paranoia and demands that i see him more. Even though I work part time and study full time. He hacked my email, phone, etc etc. He was very insecure and lost his temper alot. I was so unhappy but he always talked me round and quite honestly used emotional blackmail. He came home for me, and i was walking away etc.. I had ruined his life. I lost my sex drive with this guy, and to say once a month would not be an understatement. That is only after he throws a tantrum and it seems easier to give in.
    Recently he has joined the police force and he is away till June. He still stays at home at weekend and at 28 still does not pay any rent to his parents and is very tight even with me with cash. I am a student and he still expects me to half EVERYTHING from a drink to a meal. This sounds silly but with a child on the way I cant afford this.
    Anyways so here I am. With a man, that quite honestly I should not be with. I know this and I have tried on many occassions to get him out my life, but as usual he phones, texts, turns up at door, abuses me verbally till I agree to put in more effort. I know you will slate me for this, but I just want an easy life. He creates so much drama if I try to get out.
    Plus, hand on heart, I am so insecure in myself I sometimes feel i will take anything than be alone, I worry about who i am and why i am so difficult to love. My boyfriend pretty much reminds me of this fact when we fight.
    Well I am pregnant. I have no one to turn to. I cant tell my aunt. I will let her down again and she wont help support a baby. She quite rightly points out she brought me up. She wont do it again. I respect that. BUT I cant do this on my own. After digs and bills I have £170 to live on. I struggle so much, but I know I qualify soon.

    The father wants to keep the baby and tells me i am selfish and sick in the head and pretty much a killer if I dont go through with this. I AM AN IDIOT! I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE AND I DID TAKE CONTRACEPTION TO PREVENT THIS. TWICE. My worry is.
    I now know after this man grabbed me by the head and through me recently that if I keep this child I will be in his life forever. He has told me that if we do not live together and be a family he will take me to court. He will bring up all about my past and the fact my parents were abusive and that I have severe depression etc etc. He also said that he will point out after last termination I was in hospital for trying to end my life.
    Not the makings of a stable mother. I lost it and verbally and physically lashed out. I am so ashamed. He recorded the whole thing and is now blackmailing me. I am so scared. If he goes to my uni he will ruin my career.
    I have no one to turn to. I told 2 friends but i have not seen them since. I really know you will hate me, but I cant have this baby. I am not strong enough for the battle. I have let everyone down and this unborn child deserves better. Too many children are born into hell. I once was that child.
    I am so confused. i have no one to talk to.
    Sorry this is so long – I have started typing and I cant stop, I hate myself. But I dont want to have his child. Please help me

    #26929
    AvatarAnonymous

    I honestly don’t think any one here will hate you.. i think most of us have been through some type of hell in our life.

    and advice on you situation.. If i was you i would do what is best for yourself and the child.. and not give a care what the father thinks because in my opinion if he really card for you he wouldn’t be emotional or even physically abusing you.

    #26930
    Avatarcams2know

    ok! i know what’s your feeling., your story made me cry so much., i felt the pain that you were carrying., im sorry about that., btw i want to introduce myself first., i am Camille 17 years old., i know im younger than you and here i am trying to help you., ok! this is it.. first with your aunties please do not stuck in your mind that you were not loved.. that no one loves you.. of course there’s someone who truly loves you., and that’s our GOD! well personally i am not a religious kind of person.. you know what’s your wrong? for feeling not to be loved.. i can see that you do not love yourself.. you hate yourself so much., just think of this., how can others loves you?? if you yourself do not love yourself?? you have to love and give importance to yourself..in order for you to feel others love for you., and about the abortion thing., many women here had an abortion.. they were not judged by other girls here.. you have all our support., you have to forgive yourself.. on what you’ve done.. i know it’s hard but you have to move-on.. how can continue your life if you make yourself stuck about the abortion., i know you don’t like to that and you were just weak.. but now being pregnant again? and planning to have an abortion again? i think you’ve been weak for once and now you have to get-up girl., stand-up.. be strong.. for your yourself.. i don’t like you too have the pain of having an abortion again.. how can you forgive yourself if you will do it again?? girl do not put yourself in pain again., you deserved to be happy., and the baby has the rights to live.. please do not have an abortion again! about your boyfriend?! i think he was blackmailing you coz he loves you so much., and he cannot live without you., he is afraid to lost you. it was just you who cannot see it., i know that abusing you by him is not good., but did you ever thought about his part? did you ever understand him? (i didn’t mean to stay with him., even though you do not want to..) coz i can see that he wants to have family with you.. an almost perfect family! btw the way if you really do not want to live with him anymore then talk o your auntie you have to be honest with her., tell her what’s your problem.. im pretty she will understand you., maybe at first she will freak-out but i know she can understand what going through.. she can help you to be out in the relationship of yours and your boyfriend., just keep in mind that you will continue your dreams even though having a baby.. and no one can stop you from that., but i think give your boyfriend a second chance coz i can see that he really wants to have a family with you., please try to fix your relationship with him., he loves you and you were just being blind because of what he doing just to get your love.. i hope ‘d help you by this., please do not hesitate to wall me on my account., just search (cams2know) if there’s anything wrong or bothering you., always remember that im always here., willing to help you., whatever happens., i love you., so please do not your mind that no one loves you coz i am an example., 😉 lots of love CAMS2KNOW (camille)

    #26935
    AvatarAnonymous

    hello Splash, I feel for you, it is a tough situation. Maybe you can seek out some pro-life organizations to help you. In the US we have shelters in some cities for women who need a place to go for a short time. Maybe you can find a family who wants to adopt and will help pay for your care while you are pregnant. There is no judging here; all of us have made mistakes. I hope you are well. We care!

    #26936
    AvatarAmber

    There is not one person here on this site that is here to judge. Everyone makes me mistakes. We’re here to help. Girls on this site are teen moms, adult moms, teens struggling with the same thing you want to do…abortion. I think every woman has the right to choose weather she aborts her baby or not. I do not like the thought of it, but I, and no one else will ever judge you for your decision. I support you. You have legitimate reasons to go through with it. No one here hates you, and we don’t judge you. Sometimes you need to thing about what is the right decision for you. And if this is it, then do it. You have gone through a lot and we’re here for you

    #26937
    AvatarFaithfulgirl

    Hello,

    We are not hear to judge you, but to comfort, support, and help you. 😀
    I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this predicament.

    I think though, that you first need to understand that no one can make you have an abortion, they can pressure, but they cannot force you. And if you were to have had your first child you would not have been disappointing your Aunt, I am sure.

    What you need to look at right now is, what is the next right thing to do. So may times we try to take too many things in and end up making bad choices. The most importance thing for your right now, is to worry about keeping your baby safe. Your boyfriend might threaten you but that does not mean he will follow through with it. If you feel the need for safety and protection I would call someone you trust, maybe your aunt or you could talk to someone at a pregnancy help center. But it is most important that you do not allow your boyfriend to pressure and threaten you in a way that would make you want to make a bad decision.
    You said you had an abortion before, so, you must know what abortion does, both to you and the baby. Do not do it again. Do what is right no matter what.
    I would also suggest you pray. It does work. God is really there and he loves you no matter what you have done. He loves me and I have made my share of mistakes. He is there ready to care for you. Just ask and He will listen to you.

    I will be praying for you.
    I am here if you ever want to talk.

    #26938
    Avatartenassity

    Hey Splash,

    Firstly, I’d think twice before taking Cam2know’s advise as staying with him isn’t good for you or the baby (i believe it’s called inuterostress? which is basically when the baby is in the womb and the mother goes through a distressing situation and the child actually gains a memory of that stress that can later be triggered in life). This guy may love you but there is a difference between healthy and unhealthy love and his isn’t healthy it’s obsessive and distressing for you as I see from your post.
    I have been in a similar situation and staying isn’t the answer. Go and see a lawyer/solicitor and find out what your rights are when it comes to sole custody etc if you wish to follow though with the pregnancy. If he is going to try and strip you of this child then it would help to be prepared!
    If you wish to have another abortion make sure that you see someone afterwards to help you though this tough time and perhaps can give you some tools to help you make sense of it all.
    I get that it is hard to see through all the fog at the moment but if you find someone objective to talk to it should help. (google Rachel’s Vineyard, they are predominatly post-abortion service but they should be able to refer you on. if your not religious don’t stress they don’t push god onto you) But no matter what, whether you keep this child or not please don’t stay with him as it won’t get any better and there is a high he will just inflict his abuse and anger upon the child.
    Studies have shown that just because you where abused or neglected as a child doesn’t mean you will abuse or neglect your children. There is a book called “Escaping Daddy” by Maria Landon I beleive. Have a read, it is very sad in parts but she is a remarkable woman and perhaps she may give you some thing to think about when it comes to leaving a relationship like your current one as it is hard I have been there but it will take time and once you break away for good you will remember that you deserve so much better. I hope I haven’t come accross as too “pro life” as I am “pro whatever is best for you”
    Be strong,
    Love and Hugs
    Tennassity

    #27028
    Avatarmianinjakitty

    I can feel youre pain, its gonna be ok, i am 15 pregnant, i also come from a broken home, my mom a boozedhead and my dad walked out on me when i was 12, i live with my boyfriend and his family, i turned t sex for an escape, its hard to come from a broken home but youre get through it go to a womans shelter or anything this man sounds abusive

    #27035
    Avatar15yrslatr

    I feel for you and I must say that I think you are judging yourself more harshly than anyone else would. I think you are letting people and situations chose for you. It sounds like it you had the choice you would choose to have your baby. I was in your shoes when I was 18. I had a boyfriend who wanted to marry me and I didn’t want to be with him. I had no money and I was scared. But do you know what I did. I told him I didn’t want to be with him and I never saw him again. I told my family (who said I should have an abortion) that I was going to have my baby and that if I couldn’t find a way to support the baby and finish school I would give the baby up for adoption. I gave them the choice to either love me anyway or step out of the way. I told them my choice and then I let them help or not. They don’t have to but you don’t have to do what they want either, it’s your life. Now about school you can finish and still be pregnant. You can find a family if you want who will raise your child and pay for your prenatal care if your unable to do it. but I think you might want to take a deep breath now you are loved and love your child enough to not want to do what you did before, it hurt you. Be strong and people will not push you around. Contact me if you wanna talk. You are beautiful!!!!

    #27342
    Avatarxepphire

    No one will ever judge you for your decision or at least they shouldn’t. I don’t think you should have an abortion. If he tries to attack you again, call the police and file a restraining order, this will also build a case against him as being abusive. You need to think of your childs safety. I think you should think hard about what what you want to do with your life the child and your future then go to your aunt explain that you are pregnant and what you have decided to do and ask for her support. I would say also finnish your studies. When I was in second year my son was born and I took him to lectures with me for about a year and just put him in a routine where he would sleep at those times. Explain to your aunt how you will need support and help with the baby so you can finnish your degree and support your child. Taking control of your situation may show her how you are now ready to be a mom. I hope it works out for you. Good Luck!

    #27442
    Avatarjessiexx2

    God loves you so much. He will still love you no matter what your decision. You always can have the baby and give the baby a better life with a new family. If your not ready..there are so many couple that wants kids but can’t have them. No matter what you do always remember God is with you. I am praying for you

    #27551
    Avatarfuller

    hi my names michelle i have been in a relationship with my partner since we was 12 i am now 23 and we are still together and very very happy.
    when i was 16 i fell pregnant i had a misarriage and have had an empty hole ever since and questions that will never be answered expl: what colour eyes, hair ect.
    Since the miscarriage i have not been able to get pregnant so i am seeking the help of women who fall pregnant but cant see it in their hearts to have an abortion there is so many women who can not have children its absolutley heart breaking you could be the angel a couple desperatly needs and i hope i find my angel soon ty all for listening xxxxx if anyone needs to talk about anything at all feel free to messege me lotsoflovexx@ymail.com

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